No more worrying about the future ever. I am Ultimate Soothsayer and, via Oprah, can answer all your burning questions. She makes chai tea for Starbucks now, so clearly she knows all.
Q: I think my boyfriend has been cheating, but I don’t want to ask him outright because I’m not 100% sure. How can I pry without seeming to accuse?
Q: My friend comes to me with problems I cannot relate to. I want to be supportive, but there’s not really much I can say. How can I show her I care, even if I can’t help?
Q: How do I make sure a low class trifling bitch “takes that?”
Q: Well. Okay. But what if that low class trifling bitch is….in my house?
Q: I work SO much. I’ve tried all sorts of different things to decompress: meditation, yoga, reading. Nothing works. What will finally calm me down after the daily grind?
Q: How can I make Lindsey Lohan feel better about herself?
Q: I would like to “get down” this weekend. How exactly do I go about “getting down?”
Q: I feel like people are all over me recently. It’s overwhelming, and I need everyone to BACK THE FUCK OFF. How do I get them to do this?
Q: Any weight loss advice?
Q: I think my roommate may be on drugs. How can I tell? I really don’t want to confront her about it until I know definitively that she does indeed have a problem.
Q: Will this mess me up?
Q: This is so dumb, you guys.
Oh, Pisces. You never change!
See you next week!