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No more worrying about the future ever. I am Ultimate Soothsayer and, via Oprah, can answer all your burning questions. She makes chai tea for Starbucks now, so clearly she knows all.

Aries

Q: I think my boyfriend has been cheating, but I don’t want to ask him outright because I’m not 100% sure. How can I pry without seeming to accuse?

A:

Taurus

Q: My friend comes to me with problems I cannot relate to. I want to be supportive, but there’s not really much I can say. How can I show her I care, even if I can’t help?

A:

Gemini

Q: How do I make sure a low class trifling bitch “takes that?”

A:

Cancer

Q: Well. Okay. But what if that low class trifling bitch is….in my house?

A:

Leo

Q: I work SO much. I’ve tried all sorts of different things to decompress: meditation, yoga, reading. Nothing works. What will finally calm me down after the daily grind?

A:

Virgo

Q: How can I make Lindsey Lohan feel better about herself?

A:

Libra

Q: I would like to “get down” this weekend. How exactly do I go about “getting down?”

A:

Scorpio

Q: I feel like people are all over me recently. It’s overwhelming, and I need everyone to BACK THE FUCK OFF. How do I get them to do this?

A:

Sagittarius

Q: Any weight loss advice?

A:

Capricorn

Q: I think my roommate may be on drugs. How can I tell? I really don’t want to confront her about it until I know definitively that she does indeed have a problem.

A:

Aquarius

Q: Will this mess me up?

A:

Pisces 

Q: This is so dumb, you guys.

A:

Oh, Pisces. You never change!

See you next week!

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