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No more worrying about the future ever. I am Ultimate Soothsayer and, via Jay Z, can answer all your burning questions. As we all know he now has 100 problems…what’s a few more?

Aries

Q: My roommate walked in on me masturbating the other day. We have yet to discuss the incident but things are palpably awk. What should I do?

A:

Taurus

Q: My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up. What can I get her that will really “wow?”

A:

Gemini

Q: I want to teach my grandma to use Skype. Will this be a fruitless effort?

A:

Cancer

Q: I recently got into a fight with my sister-in-law, but she my wife and I all need to attend an event together tomorrow. How should we go about acting “normal” while everything gets sorted out?

A:

Leo

Q: My friend is a successful musician…but he owes a lot of that success to me. And yet, he is so reluctant to acknowledge how much I’ve helped him out. How do I call him out?

A:

Virgo

Q: How can I class up my apartment? Would like to seem cultured and etc.

A:

Libra

Q: First day of grad school coming up. How should I prepare?

A:

Scorpio

Q: Trying to start praying, but it’s such a foreign thing to me I don’t even know how to get started. Any suggestions?

A:

Sagittarius

Q: I’ve recently come into quite a bit of money. This is really the first time I’ve had disposable income in my life, and I don’t know exactly what to with it. What do you think I should start with?

A:

Capricorn

Q: I HATE my best friend’s new boyfriend. How do I discredit him completely, leading her to break up with him? I really want to discredit him completely and lead her to break up with him.

A:

Aquarius

Q: I need to work on my “humble brag.” HOW?

A:

Pisces 

Q: This is the dumbest.

A:

B Y E, Pisces.

See you all next time!

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