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No more worrying about the future ever. I am Ultimate Soothsayer and, via Game of Thrones, can answer all your burning questions. Your TV addiction is good for one thing and that thing is…astrology.

Aries

Q: Guys never seem to notice me at parties. People are always telling me to “make the first move” but I think I’m doing it wrong. How can I finally get some attention when I’m first meeting people?

A:

giphy

Taurus

Q: I’ve been incredibly stressed out as of late. How should I calm down at the end of the day?

A:

Gemini

Q: I’m ready to break up with my boyfriend. He’s cheated, he’s lied—he sucks. How do I go about this?

A:

Cancer

Q: I never seem to have any luck with the ladies. Any idea what could be turning them off? What am I doing wrong?

A:

Leo

Q: Need. My. Dragons. NOW. HOW?!

A:

Virgo

Q: I lost my job and my girlfriend broke up with me. Meaning: I’m now jobless as well as homeless. Basically, I need to ask my rents for assistance but I REALLY don’t want to. Advice as to how to start this terrible/inevitable conversation?

A:

Libra

Q: I’ve been modeling and everyone continues to tell me I need to “work on my eyes.” I don’t know what this means. Can you point me in the right direction?

A:

Scorpio

Q: I don’t get “throwing shade.” I’d like to throw some shade, though. Can you help me get started?

A:

Sagittarius

Q: I spilled my drink on the floor like just now. What do I do?

A:

 

Capricorn

Q: HBO GO keeps on crashing. What the hell do I do?

A:

Aquarius

Q: My sister has been pissing me off and, at this point, I need some space. How do I tell her this?

A:

Pisces 

Q: I still think this is complete idiocy.

A:

PISCES! YOU BALL BUSTER, YOU.

See you all next week!

 

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