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No more worrying about the future ever. I am Ultimate Soothsayer and, via children, can answer all your burning questions. Because they’ve got that tabula rosa thing going on, and I feel like that’s helpful when it comes to matters of the horoscope.

Aries

Q: This guy I work with is relentlessly trying to date me. Recently, his advances have become more and more forward…and he has been unresponsive to my many hints to back off. How do I tell him he needs to back off?

A:

Taurus

Q: I’m in desperate need of a small loan. How do I ask my parents?

A:

Gemini

Q: My relationship is in shambles and I’m really torn up. Is there anything we can do together to try and salvage it?

A:

Cancer

Q: I really want my roommate to move out. How do I kick her to the curb FOR GOOD?

A:

Leo

Q: I just moved to a new city and I want to impress everyone. Suggestions?

A:

Virgo

Q: I got a corporate job, a mortgage, and am in a serious relationship. How do I keep the “rock and roll spirit” upon which I’ve subsisted ALIVE?

A:

Libra

Q: I want to throw my BFF a birthday party. Does that sound like a good idea?

A:

Scorpio

Q: My sister is eternally butting her head into my life. How do I get her to…like….stop.

A:

Sagittarius

Q: I’ve been really anxious. Should I stop drinking coffee? Would that help?

A:

Capricorn

Q: So bored on a Wednesday afternoon. Any ideas to liven things up?

A:

Aquarius

Q: I’ve been consistently unhappy. It feels like things are being waved in my face and I want none of it. What will finally bring me true pleasure?

A:

Pisces 

Q: Again with this? This is dumb.

A:

You’ll never learn, Pisces.

See you all next week!

 

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