No more worrying about the future ever. I am Ultimate Soothsayer and, via True Blood, can answer all your burning questions. It hasn’t been good for years now….so I figure they’ve been saving the “good” for these here astrological answers?
Aries
Q: My ex boyfriend is an idiot and I want to burn him GOOD. Anything I should avoid saying, due to his being an idiot and not understanding very little re: the world, a woman’s needs, etc.?
A:
Taurus
Q: Anything cuter than a teacup pig? Anything at all?
A:
Gemini
Q: How should I go about boosting my confidence before going out?
A:
Cancer
Q: I’m a man and I’d like to understand better some of the prejudice women experience. Where do I start?
A:
Leo
Q: One-liners. Any good ones?
A:
Virgo
Q: My neighbor is a little fucker. How do I get him to stop fucking with me?
A:
Libra
Q: Sexy things I can do to a hand?
A:
Scorpio
Q: How do I tell my boyfriend that I REALLY love him?
A:
Sagittarius
Q: How do I express just how saucy I feel something is? (When something is saucy, of course.)
A:
Capricorn
Q: I’m in a big fight with the gf. Any questions you think I could ask my girlfriend that may distract her from what she’s actually mad at me about?
A:
Aquarius
Q: I want to sound smart in my philosophy lecture. Anything insightful you can suggest I say?
A:
Pisces
Q: True Blood? Really? This is the worst.
A:
TOOTH-GAP TO YOU, PISCES.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
