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No more worrying about the future ever. I am Ultimate Soothsayer and, via True Blood, can answer all your burning questions. It hasn’t been good for years now….so I figure they’ve been saving the “good” for these here astrological answers?

Aries

Q: My ex boyfriend is an idiot and I want to burn him GOOD. Anything I should avoid saying, due to his being an idiot and not understanding very little re: the world, a woman’s needs, etc.?

A:

Taurus

Q: Anything cuter than a teacup pig? Anything at all?

A:

Gemini

Q: How should I go about boosting my confidence before going out?

A:

Cancer

Q: I’m a man and I’d like to understand better some of the prejudice women experience. Where do I start?

A:

Leo

Q: One-liners. Any good ones?

A:

Virgo

Q: My neighbor is a little fucker. How do I get him to stop fucking with me?

A:

Libra

Q: Sexy things I can do to a hand?

A:

Scorpio

Q: How do I tell my boyfriend that I REALLY love him?

A:

Sagittarius

Q: How do I express just how saucy I feel something is? (When something is saucy, of course.)

A:

Capricorn

Q: I’m in a big fight with the gf. Any questions you think I could ask my girlfriend that may distract her from what she’s actually mad at me about?

A:

Aquarius

Q: I want to sound smart in my philosophy lecture. Anything insightful you can suggest I say?

A:

Pisces 

Q: True Blood? Really? This is the worst.

A:

TOOTH-GAP TO YOU, PISCES.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

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