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In anticipation of this Friday’s “Romane and Lettuce Presents: Pure Columbian 3: The Final Chapter” at the Wonderland Ballroom, BYT allowed me to speak to the adorable Stavros Halkias. Stavros Halkias is a prolific young comedian representing BALTIMORE ALL DAY LORD. Stavros is hilarious and also doesn’t mind getting jerked off. Anytime anyplace. We met up yesterday and ate wings. This is what was said.

Jame Johnson: Stavros, I’m very excited to have you on my program “Romane and Lettuce Presents.” It’s been long overdue. We can never do it because you run Super Comedy on 3rd Friday of the month as well in Baltimore.

Stavros Halkias: Oh yea, that’s right. I forgot about that. Glad you switched your dates up. I’m looking forward to it.

Will you be doing a music thing or just stand-up?

Uhh, I think I’m gonna try stand-up out. Maybe I’ll bust out “The King of Crowd Work”, my character. You know, I make comedy like jazz when I do it. Actually, don’t print that. That’s terrible. And not even true. I don’t know why I said it.

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Nah, I’m printing everything.

Here’s how much of a professional I am: I didn’t even consider the musical aspect of the program until this second just now.

I don’t think I’ve been doing a good job as a person running a show. People don’t know what the show is so they don’t come. And I don’t want them to know, but I want them to come so I think I have to tell them.

Yeah, you haven’t.

Super Comedy is good. How the fuck do you get people to come to a thing?

What’s my strategy? I have a hard stance on this. I have a partner Umar Kahn and he does all the work. I can still get some friends out.

I feel like I burned all my friend tokens in 2011.

I know what you mean because when you first start everybody comes out because it’s a novelty. Then they all realize you’re shitty and stop coming out. Then you can only drag your closest friends out. But I feel like the tokens recharge the longer you’re in comedy.

How you feel when people hit you up like “Hey, you still doing that comedy thing?”

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Oh yeah, that’s the worst. I think everyone’s just expecting me to get a real job. Like that’s what I get from my dad. I told him I was thinking about moving to New York and he said “but there’s jobs here” and I was like “Dad that’s not why I’m out in shitty bars every night.”

Also you should know I don’t have any musical talent. I tried to play guitar in 10th grade. A classic white teenager move. Never got good, though. Stubby fingers, you know? I learned a few AC/DC power chords and just like that beginning part of “Stairway to Heaven”. You know that one part? Never learned a full song, though.

You should’ve done band.

Did you?

Yeah. Played bass clarinet for 6 years.

Ooo shit, so you’ve got a little skill. What was your favorite piece?

“Sleigh Ride” is my favorite thing to play. It’s timeless.

I think all I did was play the recorder. You ever see that video of the dude playing a shitty version of the Titanic theme on recorder? I love it. I blast that shit out of my car.

What’s your favorite Christmas song?

“Christmas in Harlem.” I did used to get paid to sing Greek carols as a child. Big paper.

Yo, I’m a Souvlaki champion now.

Dog, I will make you the best fuckin’ pork souvlaki. It’s my specialty, I’d say.

Word? You get the tenderloins going?

Yo, tenderloin is a fuckboy cut of meat. Put this on record: if it ain’t pork shoulder, don’t even fuck with me.

Back to music. Who are you listening to now?

I’m just fucking with some St. Vincent. She’s good. Literally just listened to “Little Red Corvette.” Prince is weird because Prince gets played in like dentist’s offices now, but he also has a song called “Head” about getting head from a bride on her wedding day. That really resonates with me personally because I love getting head. I’m going through a big “pussy” phase right now.

I always say the bottom of music is way cooler than the bottom of comedy, but it’s easier to move forward as a comedian. Would you agree?

Yeah, but it’s also easier for an unknown band to go out on the road for themselves than a comic. I’m also envious of how much cooler it is to be in a band. If you’re trying to be “cool”, you’re not good at comedy. There’s no comedy groupies.

Everybody love’s karaoke. That’s how you know music is better. Just imagine if you went to a comedy open mic and everyone was jacking jokes.

Exactly. Also, a band can always play their hits. Nas just played Illmatic live and it sold out. Louis CK can’t ever do Chewed Up again.

See Jamel and Stavros this Friday at Pure Columbian Part 3 at the Wonderland Ballroom.

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