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Anthony Bourdain is in DC today. According to his promotional material, “Everyone’s favorite bad-boy chef blah blah blah.” If you’ve ever seen No Reservations on the Travel Channel, you know he doesn’t fuck around. He’s the executive chef at Les Halles in New York City, but on his show, he travels to remote locales to get a taste of foreign food and culture (think headcheese) all the while trying not to get sick. In his words, “I do have reservations about bleeding out on the crapper.” He’s tall and lanky and wears a leather jacket and one earring in his (left) ear and I think he’s great.


But I won’t be at any of Bourdain’s appearances today because I work 9-5 and not close enough to Olsson’s to slip away at lunchtime, and his evening gig was sold out, and my BYT press pass fell through (cough). Thankfully, a friend of mine with whom I recently weathered a night of leftover Halloween candy and a No Reservations marathon on Tivo – research, if you will – and who happens to be a damn fine cook was understanding enough to fake the following interview with me by impersonating him not very well. Here goes.

Abby: So, you’re Not Anthony Bourdain. Why should we care what you have to say?

Not Anthony Bourdain: I don’t have a stupid single hoop earring in my stupid earlobe, and because I have Tivo.

A: Right. Imagine you did wear hoops and you were Anthony Bourdain. Which would you rather do:
a) eat the unclean asshole out of a recently dead Namibian boar; or
b) endure near sexual assault at the hands of a speedo-clad masseuse in an Uzbekh bathhouse?

NAB: Aren’t those just two ways of saying the same thing?

A: You’re glib, Tony, you’re glib. It was a trick question, you’ve done both.
What is the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten? Subquestion: ever cooked?

NAB: (Are you actually going to post these answers? I’m going to sound like an idiot.) Most delicious thing ever eaten… roast chicken full of butter, garlic, and apples, torn limb from limb on the counter and never even getting to the plate. Other things are fancier, but none better.

A: (We’ll see. I won’t make you sound stupid if you don’t say stupid shit.)
If I’m not mistaken, you hate vegetables like I hate people who don’t like Point Break. What can’t you add bacon to?

NAB: Well, you’re mistaken: I love vegetables because they’re such good vehicles for bacon. So far I haven’t tried ball bearings or old tires, but every other substance on earth makes for a happy friend to the world’s most important renewable resource.
(THAT you can take to the press.)

A: So if, as the pretty-eared executive chef of a hip NYC bistro, you had a show where you got to travel all over the world, eating food and taking names, where would you go, what would you eat, and what presents would you bring me?

NAB: I would go to Morocco. I’d skeletonize a lamb and drink mint tea until I passed out. And I’d bring you (stupid shit removed).

There you have it. Real talk. Plus, a video of him eating something heinous:


Anthony Bourdain, No Reservations: Around the World on an Empty Stomach

Olsson’s, Penn Quarter
12:00pm noon

Lisner Auditorium, GWU