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Since those fools at CERN have recklessly ruined life as we know it, my thoughts turn to what I’ll be missing: my aunt’s delicious Thanksgiving stuffing, the third season of Dexter, and (perhaps more importantly) the upcoming Academy Award season! If you’re anything like me and waste countless hours watching movie trailers, you’ll know that that this fall/winter have a few apocalyptic features in store. Here’s a rundown of upcoming end-of-the-world movies:

The Road. Since No Country for Old Men won Best Picture last spring, Cormac McCarthy adaptations have become increasingly popular. In fact, Todd “Little Children” Field is working on an adaptation of Blood Meridian, a book which many regard as unfilmable. But I digress – John Hillcoat is currently putting the finishing touches on his vision of The Road. An unknown force has destroyed the planet. Few remain, and resources are scarce. Amidst this madness, a man (Viggo Mortensen) and a boy (Kodi Smit-McPhee) trek through the grim landscape. Along the way, they fight off starvation, desperation, and cannibals. I’ve only seen production photos, but The Road looks depressing as hell. Maybe LHC is a blessing in disguise: I won’t be subjected to this haunting movie that’ll no doubt ruin my weekend.

Suggested Alternative: Watch John Hillcoat’s last movie, The Proposition. Sure, the world is ending, but at least you aren’t stuck on a sun-drenched Australian desert.

The Day the Earth Stood Still. Famous for its huge fucking robot, The Day the Earth Still is a corny sci-fi movie from the early 1950s. Now it’s being remade with Keanu Reeves as the alien visitor who warns humanity of its potential destruction. Whoa. Reeves is the right choice for the role – with his blank stare and hollow delivery, he has a gift for playing otherworldly characters. I have misgivings about this one (director Scott Derrickson has made so-so remakes before). But since the movie also features Jennifer Connelly and Jon “Mr. Draper” Hamm, I’ll probably see it anyway.

Suggested Alternative: Watch the 1951 version. In the afterlife, you can make the claim that, “The original was so much better!”

Blindness. A man is driving down the road and goes blind. Instead of seeing all black, he sees only a milky-white. Soon others are going blind – a plague spreads over the city, and the infected are put into quarantine. Only the doctor’s wife (Julianne Moore) still has the ability to see. That’s the premise for Fernando “City of God” Meirelles’ adaptation of the Jose Saramago novel. The book is one of my favorites – it’s unnerving to read how infrastructure breaks down and ordinary people lose their humanity. The movie had a tepid response at the Cannes Film festival, but reports from the Toronto International Film Festival say that the new cut is a vast improvement. It’s a shame everyone will be missing this.

Suggested Alternative: Read the Saramago novel. Even if black holes will soon rip our atoms to shreds, it’s never too late to curl up with a good book.

That’s it for my fall doomsday preview! Remember that once they turn LHC on, it’s not like anyone will be around to miss you!

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