Welcome to “Another Movie Guy?”! I normally review recent new releases, and then mention similar movies worth checking out. For DC residents, however, next week is anything but normal. The inauguration is omnipresent, and there is little else worth discussing. With that in mind, I’m going to focus this post on movie Presidents. There have been many, both virtuous and sinister, who have graced the big screen in past years. Rather than simply discuss the movies themselves, I intend to answer the seemingly impossible question, “Could a fictional candidate defeat Barack Obama?”
Candidate: Jack Stanton
Featured In: Primary Colors
Strengths: Manipulative empathy. Like any good politician, Stanton can distort the truth and get the tears flowing. Even hardened political operatives believe his shameless lies.
Weaknesses: Women. An obvious amalgamation of President Clinton, Stanton cannot keep his dick in his pants. This is especially true when Stanton encounters women who are uneducated and barely legal.
Could he defeat Barack Obama?: Probably not. They are both democrats, and Stanton won the primary by threatening to tarnish the reputation of another candidate. Unlike Stanton’s opponent, Obama never tried to hide his youthful indiscretions. Besides, for all intents and purposes, the President-Elect already trounced Stanton’s wife.
Candidate: Thomas J. Whitmore
Featured In: Independence Day (aka ID4)
Strengths: He helped save the world from total annihilation. And his wife died. Voters love that sappy shit.
Weaknesses: Under his watch, millions of Americans lost their lives. Given that the aliens targeted major cities, my guess is that only Red States remain. Also, his administration was part of a massive Area 51 cover-up – a fact which would certainly anger the liberal blogosphere.
Could he defeat Barack Obama?: Hell yes. Whitmore hopped into a jet and fired nukes at a flying saucer! Talk about Mission fucking Accomplished. Plus, that impromptu “Today is our INDEPENDENCE DAY!” speech is so much more badass than “Yes we can!” Say what you will about the merits of Michelle Obama, but nothing beats a dead First Lady.
Candidate: Mays Gilliam
Featured In: Head of State
Strengths: He’s Chris Rock. Not only is he hilarious and observant, but his sharp mind serves him well at the debate podium. Oh, and he’s (also) black.
Weaknesses: Inexperience. When the party selects Gilliam, he is merely an Alderman for DC. There is little evidence that he understands the inner workings of government, and he definitely didn’t graduate from Harvard Law.
Could he defeat Barack Obama? Nope. Both candidates excel at talking earnestly about American life, but Obama has the wonkish policy knowledge that his opponent lacks. Obama is a smart cookie, and would ably dodge Gilliam’s zingers. That being said, I would vote Gilliam over Obama in a primary. The idea of Chris Rock engaging in diplomacy with Vladimir Putin is too good an opportunity to pass up.
Candidate: James Marshall
Featured In: Air Force One
Strengths: He defended his airplane from crazed terrorists. Both his wife and daughter were taken hostage, and Marshall managed to save their lives. Glenn Close is his Vice President, which might play well since it’d be refreshing to see a legitimately bright female VP candidate.
Weaknesses: Hawkish foreign policy. After two spectacularly mismanaged wars, our nation may not be ready for Marshall’s dire warnings. The simple fact that terrorists hijacked Air Force One might speak to the incompetence of the administration. At least Whitmore has an excuse – no one ever suspects space aliens.
Could he defeat Barack Obama? Marshall would lose, but just barely. Before the hijacking, Marshall states, “Never again will I allow our political self-interest to deter us from doing what we know to be morally right. Atrocity and terror are not political weapons. And to those who would use them, your day is over. We will never negotiate.” This just doesn’t ring true nowadays. Coupled with the relatively less spectacular heroics, I foresee a narrow Obama victory. After all, if a President tells a terrorist to GET OFF HIS PLANE and no one is around to hear it, does he make a sound?
Candidate: Dave Kovic aka Bill Mitchell
Featured In: Dave
Strengths: Folksiness. If you recall, Dave is an impersonator who fills in for an ailing Bill Mitchell. He’s not a BELTWAY INSIDER, so his warmth and humility is genuine, a fact which would play well with voters. Also, with Charles Grodin as his secret weapon, Dave balances the budget (surely a comforting thought in our trying economic times).
Weaknesses: He’s an impostor! Should the snoopy press find out Dave’s little secret, his entire candidacy would crumble. And let’s not forget that Dave’s naïveté might also fall victim to the high functioning Obama political machine.
Could he defeat Barack Obama? Dave wouldn’t stand a chance. Let’s suppose for a moment that Davegate weren’t exposed by either team Obama or the media. You’d have a likable-but-bland candidate up against Obama, a top-notch politician with a steel trap mind. Sure, Obama is likable, but in the battle of nice guy politicians, Obama’s other strengths would ultimately prevail. It is also likely that Dave’s secret would public, so he would resign in disgrace and likely face criminal prosecution. Don’t worry – Obama would pardon Dave’s fraudulent ass.
Candidate: Andrew Shepherd
Featured In: The American President
Strengths: Aaron Sorkin. Shepherd is a creation of the much-lauded West Wing scribe. Sorkin creates nothing but impossibly smart characters that love talking about how qualified they are. It follows that the Shepherd White House is a veritable meritocracy of know-it-alls, the likes of which cannot be replicated in any real-world environment. Also, Shepherd’s wife is dead, and as his press secretary callously notes, “There’s never been any problem trotting [Shepherd] as the lonely widow.” Cynical, yes, but also canny.
Weaknesses: Sydney Ellen Wade. Sure, the President is an adult who should have the freedom to choose the company he keeps. But let’s face it, if the single Commander in Chief got a lobbyist girlfriend, Fox News would be all over her like a cheap suit.
Could he defeat Obama? No, but he’d get close. If Shepherd remained single, the race would be one for the ages. Who knows? A single Shepherd might have stood a chance. With a firebrand girlfriend, however, the ensuing gossip and slander would create too much political damage (no matter how unfair it may be). On an unrelated note, the Obama daughters are far more adorable than Shepherd’s daughter, who plays the trombone terribly.
Candidate: President Comancho
Featured In: Idiocracy
Strengths: Rhetoric. Comancho’s knows his audience well, and certainly rivals Ronald Reagan as our nation’s Great Communicator. Hell, if Obama came out in front of the Capitol Building and began his inaugural address with “I know shit’s bad right now,” he would enrapture the vast majority of the electorate. Comancho’s professional wrestling background would also be an asset – nothing gets a town hall meeting going like a suplex of one’s opponent.
Weaknesses: Uninspired Policy. Comancho is a victim of his time. More specifically, he lives in a dumbed-down American future – the kind of place where proper grammar is systemic of faggotry. His entire platform rests on the brilliance of Luke Wilson, a man who can’t even be trusted to helm a Wes Anderson movie.
Could he beat defeat Obama? Fuck yeah, dude. The debates (or, should I say CAGE MATCHES) between Obama and Comancho would run $75 a pop on pay per view, so all those Prius-driving libtards would skip the chance to see Obama snap like a twig. Furthermore, there is no way Mr. Harvard Elite could come back from, “You talk like a fag, and your shit’s all retarded.” Can you smmmmeeeeeeeellllllllllllll what the Comancho is cooking?
So there you have it, folks! For the most part, Hollywood’s A-game has nothing on our President-Elect. It would take nothing short of saving the world or time travel to defeat Barack Obama. Conservative politicos, take heed! I’ve just outlined your newest platform. Comancho/Whitmore 2012! It’s time to take the “fiction” out of “science fiction.”
That’s for this special edition of “Another Movie Guy?”! Tune in next time when I join the Israeli Defense Force.