Disclaimer: my opinions are my own and also that of all women.
The Great War approaches, and as it rears nigh women everywhere must stop to ask themselves, “am I willing to die with a militia of women armed in the woods?”
This has been an historic election for many reasons. A woman was a major party candidate for the first time in the United States. Rosie O’Donnell was brought up in a presidential debate. Truth as a “thing” became irrelevant. But also, for me, it was historic in that it was the first election where I have found myself continuously wondering, “am I going to have to quit my life’s work in order to join some sort of underground guerrilla rebellion group while the government hunts me and my friends?”
I’ll be honest when I say I never thought my life would come to this. I read about these moments in books and thought, “honestly fighting a dictator seems annoying and scary.” I want to learn guitar. And I don’t want to die in a war of consciousness.
Sometimes a part of me feels like it could be fun to die with a militia of women in the woods, like a violent slumber party filled with gossip and deep connections. We would giggle about boys as we shave our heads and hide in the trees covered head to toe in camo. But then the realistic part of me remembers that I don’t like camping. And I simply can’t function without my alone time.
Men, I want you to know it’s not your fault. So many of you are women and yet so few of you are, which I think has always been the saddest part to me. But, unfortunately we will soon be taking away your freedom of speech and the right to gather in large groups. I’m sorry, my hands are tied.
Not all men are bad of course. That’s not what our movement is about. In fact, I want to be clear that I absolutely see some men as nearly equal to women. However, some men find it funny to incite women about things that affect us daily. And some women find it funny to mace strangers … my point is, we are all the same you and I.
I believe men need to be banned from most public areas and careers, and that many are unfit to lead. If that sounds sexist – trust me, it’s not. I have a very close male friend and he agrees with me and all the things I say. His name is Alexander and if you’re reading this and getting mad, you should consider being more like him.
Feminism means different things to different people. For some, it is about equality, for others like myself, it is about revenge. But I think I truly speak for all women when I say that across all of the lines that divide us, we ought to unite and fight for a world where girls can walk the streets free of fear, and where men can hide underground in bunkers. If that makes me “radical,” then I guess nearly every woman I know is “radical,” and so be it.
Women, it is time to act. They are not going to let us take it easily. Small acts amount to big change. So, if you see a man eating or trying to consume water, slap it out of his hand and throw it as far away as possible. He has been given too many privileges. Call your cousins, brothers, uncles – tell them you never loved them. And that war is near.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “not all women are going to agree with you.” First of all, that’s not true. Men say that. And I guarantee that you are a man. Are you? Because women agree with me. Period.
But let’s suppose for a moment that were true. To those women I say this: I have successfully invented a sound that only we can hear. And once it’s completed and I can speak to you privately… I guarantee you I can change your mind. I will take care of it.
A coup is the only way. And sure there may be some “problems” with a matriarchal system, but A) no there won’t be and B) let’s just try it. Please. This isn’t about Hillary. This is about a new world order where speaking is illegal unless you are approved of by a board of women and a series of tests.
It may sound dramatic, but it’s not. I loathe drama and dramatic people. But unfortunately, we must take to the streets in blood.
As we prepare and consider what we must sacrifice, for now we have to continue to live in the moment and attempt to keep life as normal as possible. For example, I count approximately 6 men and 20 women on this train car, so should it be necessary, we could take them all. And it is small comforts like that which keep me going.
We are the final wave of feminism.
And when you get down, remember. Jesus was a woman. And her pantsuits would have blown your feeble fucking minds.