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Congrats are in order to Prince Harry and former layperson Meghan Markle who announced their engagement. I’m SUPER happy for them. Not bitter at all. I mean, I’m happily married with a beautiful child. I live in a really great 700 square foot apartment. Who needs a palace? I’m really bad at cleaning anyway. I have a dog that sheds. Imagine how hard it would be to get fur out of all those Victorian era drapes. Forget that Will and Kate’s dog Lupo would get along really well with my dog. She’s also great with kids so she’d be a huge hit with George and Charlotte. She also respects boundaries so she wouldn’t be jumping on the Queen – because obviously if I was Princess, the Queen couldn’t resist inviting me to Christmas. Even though I’m Jewish.

Irregardless, I was so darn close to being Meghan Markle. I may look similar to pre-makeover Anne Hathaway before she got plucked and hair straightened to become Princess of Genovia, but I was really like an honorable mention to becoming Princess. Will Meghan Markle be Princess? Isn’t Harry like King Understudy? I should probably figure out how royalty works before I claim Meghan runner up status.
Let me break it down for you so you understand how close I came to being Princess by Engagement (working title for my royal title):

Meghan’s mom got her masters in social work and so did mine. Her dad was a lighting designer for television and Meghan spent a lot of time on the Married… With Children set and I was not allowed to watch Married… With Children because it was “rude” (my mother’s words not mine). Already my upbringing is much more royal-ready.

Meghan and I both attended Northwestern University at the same time and both studied theatre. She was in Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority. I once ate lunch at Kappa and rehearsed a Chekhov scene in the living room. Don’t ask me what Chekhov scene; all I know is my character was cold, bitter, and complaining about losing my home – take your pick of Chekhov plays. Also Meghan was quoted to having gained the freshman fifteen because of the 24 hour Burger King. Maybe she mentioned this because the restaurant has King in the title, but no matter her grasping for royalty, because I LIVED next to that Burger King. I once threw a mouse on a trap out my window using oven mitts and it landed in the BK parking lot and stayed there for a month – THAT’S how close I lived to the Burger Kingdom. By the way, Meghan graduated in 2003 and is two years older that me. She may have two inches on my height and be stunning and a humanitarian but I graduated FIRST. Even the Queen of England can’t take that from me.

Image result for burger king gif

Meghan lived in Los Angeles and worked as a actress and model. I too lived in LA after graduation. I completely gave up my acting ambition because I needed health insurance. Meghan worked as a calligrapher and I too have excellent handwriting, even though I smudge but that’s because I’m a lefty. Meghan also was a briefcase girl in Deal or No Deal. She then had several roles on various television shows until her starring role in the show Suits. Maybe my bohemian lifestyle of never holding a job that required a briefcase or wearing a suit that kept me from the throne.

Meghan drew Harry to her through her humanitarian efforts. I too, in my single days, attracted many a ginger gentleman. Could that be called a humanitarian effort in itself?

Oh, also I once went to London when I was seventeen to study theatre. I met and befriended a redhead there. It just wasn’t a prince. But he made me REALLY good mix CDs.

So you see how I was really in such a dead heat to become princess? I mean I’m even named Diana. My parents claim it’s after a character in a book… but maybe they just didn’t want to pressure me with their hopes for my royal future.

But again, SUPER happy for Harry and Meghan. They make a great couple. If they have a girl, I hope they’ll name her Diana. They may say it’s for his late mother, but we’ll all know the truth.