BYT asked four adult performers for relationship advice on Valentine’s Day. The performer that stood out is Draven Star. So we asked Draven, who happens to be engaged to be married, to answer some more questions. Since an adult performer may be too intimidating to some adults, we also had an adult married man answer some questions. He is not an adult performer.
DISCLAIMER: Neither of these people are therapists or social workers or guidance counselors or doctors or anything that requires an advanced degree in counseling or medicine. Obviously.
My friend’s relationship is fairly new. I think they started dating in November or December. She recently asked me how she goes about pooping at her boyfriends house and at what time the relationship reaches a point where you can mention those things. I have no idea how to answer this one.
Draven Star: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Okay, sorry. Seriously. If she doesn’t want her man to know shes dropping the ol’ number 2, have her just tell him she wants to take a shower. Run the water, do your business. If shes got time, jump in and rinse off real quick, if not…splash some water on herself and go with it. Ta-daaaa.
Brandon Wetherbee: All bodily functions are disgusting and should be the basis for all of your shame. That being said, there’s a book about just this and it features a cartoon horse and it’ll make your friend feel better.
I have never ‘pooped.’
Also, same friend with the pooping question had a problem before they got together. She said he slept over at her place after nights out about four times. Those four times he slept in her bed but barely kissed her. Reasons for a guy doing this?
Draven Star: Oh haaayyy. I mean, was this a one time thing, or is that still how he rolls? Some dudes just aren’t really into kissing like that. Is he attentive otherwise? Does she feel loved otherwise? OR does he have a weird germ thing…and that’s why shes real scared to poop at his house? This is just all too open ended.
Brandon Wetherbee: Just kissed? Slept over four times and had great, not-poop-related-intercourse and only kissed four times or did not have any sort of interaction, pooping or otherwise, other than the kissing? Either way, he doesn’t like her in a romantic way. I blame her disgusting feces.
A lot of my friends have issues with being with someone who doesn’t like to go out as much as them. Are there any ways to balance this issue or do things at home with said significant other that would make each partner happy?
Draven Star: It’s all about compromise and communication. Maybe you and your homegirls go out every other week? Or maybe have one crazy weekend a month? Then, the other weekends, your friends can stay home with their dudes or everyone goes out to dinner together..not a club or they can do whatever they need to do. Relationships are weird, man. Each one is different, but everyone can usually find some kind of happy medium.
Brandon Wetherbee: Doesn’t like to go out as much is different than doesn’t like to go out. If one partner likes to stay home five nights a week but is willing to do whatever the other person wants the other two, you’re in a great place. If both people always wanted to go out, there’s a big problem. Sounds like one person likes partying a little more than the other and that will most likely change. This is totally normal and great and it’s why couples go from appearing in multiple friends’ Facebook feeds to binge watching Friday Night Lights on Friday and Saturday night.
What do you buy for someone that hates petty material objects (i.e clothing)? This is a problem. My boyfriend is a minimalist.
Draven Star: Gift certificates for blowjobs. A star with the National Star Registry. Gift certificates for anal. Sponsor a tree in the rainforest. Gift certificates for hand jobs. Donate money in his name to a charity or cause he’s really into. Make a video of you doing stuff to yourself and give it to him. Go camping. Make him dinner wearing nothing but like, an apron, pearls and heels. Yeah? Yeah.
Brandon Wetherbee: Be grateful that your boyfriend doesn’t care about stuff that costs money. As long as he doesn’t refer to himself as a minimalist, you’re in a great position. If he does, break up now. People that refer to themselves as minimalists are assholes. But if you need to buy the minimalist dream anything, here are few occasion based suggestions.
Anniversary: Take him out for a nice dinner. Somewhere that requires reservations but not anywhere with a dress code. Minimalists need to eat.
Birthday: All of the sex stuff Draven recommended. Except camping. Unless you two like camping. Or the hand job thing. Don’t do that.
America’s Birthday: Birthday cake! Celebrate the U.S.A.’s 69th birthday every year!
Any get together involving his family: A nice, hardcover book that he’s been interested in reading or loves from his childhood. It shows effort, care and your intellectual prowess. Doesn’t matter if he’s a minimalist, books are never bad gifts.
A super useful for not romantic in any way gift: Amazon Prime subscription. Every time he needs to buy anything (minimalists tend to have cats and litter is heavy and you can get great deals on cat litter without having to carry 20 lbs of feline toilet dirt up apartment stairs) or watches anything (the Amazon Prime selection is on par with Netflix), he’ll think of you. A super helpful gift that will remind him that you are super helpful. Not romantic at all. Minimalists hate romance.
Common problem: What is the correct thing for girls in a relationship to say when rejecting a guy? I used to say “I have a boyfriend.” My boyfriend said that this insinuates that I’m reluctant about rejecting the guy and I should say “I’m not interested in you.” I think that’s too harsh. What’s the right response?
Draven Star: He’s right. Girls REALLY need to stop saying “I have a boyfriend.” Along with what your boyfriend says, I’m not a fan of the implication that you’re someone else’s property without the autonomy to make your own decisions. It’s all about tone and how you say things. If you’re all short and like, ‘Um..no.’ it can be a little harsh. A polite, ‘No, thank you. I’m not interested,’ is totally fine. “No, thank you,” is fine too, along with the ever famous “I’m just not that into you.”.
Brandon Wetherbee: I’m a big fan of my friend’s that laugh in the face of potential suitors. Laughter is the best medicine and if they can’t pick up on obvious social cues, feel free to laugh loudly in their face. This may lead to another participant in the Men’s Rights movement but that’s perfectly fine. Or tell him that he has a weird dick. This will definitely lead to another leaders in the Men’s Rights movement. Or just say no. Rejection is only harsh if someone is socially inept. Sadly, lots of people are socially inept. Good luck!
My recently boyfriendless friend is always sending me snap chats of different bras that she’s debating buying, asking “do boys find leopard print sexy?” and the like. I’ve advised her that men don’t give a fuck and that even my enduring patience as a female friend has a limit. Thoughts?
Draven Star: Oh, honey. She’s just feeling insecure. I do understand a friends actions driving one up the wall, though. Have you guys gone out together much since her breakup? Like, old school style, where you go to her house, get ready together and then do the diner after and all that? Maybe she just needs to feel appreciated and pretty again.
Brandon Wetherbee: Boys find people not asking if something is sexy sexy. Confidence is sexy. Watch Drag Race together. If she doesn’t learn anything, she may be a lost cause.
My best friend’s boyfriend always brings his friends around when my friend and I are hanging out. One of them is creepily into me–he once got violent when he saw me with another guy and never fails to complain to my friend’s BF about how I’m not interested. How am I supposed to act around him when he’s consistently insulted me but still remains close to the rest of our friends?
Draven Star: This dude clearly has an issue, and I promise, it isn’t you. You need to have a real conversation with your friend and her man and let them know what’s going on. They shouldn’t bring him around and you don’t need to be around him. Don’t act like anything around if you’re around him. Don’t let him get to you and continue to just do you.
Brandon Wetherbee: This sucks and no matter what it’s going to suck. In order for it to suck less, you’re going to need to tell your friend the status of this unfortunate set of circumstances. She and her boyfriend will have to choose with whom they socialize and hopefully it’s you. Draven is right, this is obviously not your fault. Not all relationships can be salvaged. That’s OK.
One of my friends recently came to me asking for advice. She said that for the last few months whenever she has sex with her long-term boyfriend, it really hurts. Changing positions doesn’t help, they’re both clean as of their last STD tests, and she’s infection-free according to her doctor. Any idea what’s going on?
Draven Star: Hm. If shes feeling somehow uneasy about being with her man, or she’s stressed about it, it could be a subconscious reaction of sorts. If not, she may need to visit her lady doctor to get herself checked out. Other things can happen to vaginas besides STDs!! Vaginas are very complicated, pretty things.
Brandon Wetherbee: “The last few months?” Before the last few months everything was fine? This appears to be a hand-holding, time to be a good friend, trip to the doctor.
One of my friends recently got out of an abusive relationship. He was very mean to her, they fought everyday, and he would often grab her arms hard enough to leave bruises. He justified this by saying, “I’m not hitting her.” All of her friends, including me, were so relieved when they broke up, but she’s still completely in love with him. We want to help her realize that she’s better off without him and prevent them from getting back together until she regains her senses. Any advice?
Draven Star: Oh goodness. At least she was able to get out of it. Abuse is abuse is abuse and none of it is justifiable or okay in any way, shape or form. You need to be there for her, all of you, all the time. Abusers tend to make their victims feel helpless, and as if they cannot survive without them, that they are worthless without them. You need to be supportive of her, and encourage her rediscover herself, and celebrate the things that she enjoys and is good at. At the end of the day, you cant MAKE her do anything, but you can try to show her how beautiful she is, inside and out, without that kind of negativity. If you or her need any kind of support, please visit or call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
Brandon Wetherbee: This is a really rough and sadly common problem. Once again, Draven is right, reiterate how this ending is for the best. It will not get through to her right away. It will take a lot of time. I can not stress this enough. Tell her that it’s not her fault. All the time. Assume that only one out of every ten positive things you say is getting through.
This is can become a lifelong problem. You’re both most likely young enough to be able to grow out of this pattern. That being said, you can not prevent anyone from getting back together.
Like attracts like. If your friend views herself as someone that doesn’t deserve abusive behavior, she will most likely re-enter this relationship or another that features abuse. You are most likely not a therapist and can not and should not be her therapist. But she should see a therapist. We should all see therapists. The issue of affording a therapist will arise. Doesn’t matter. It’s worth it. If she’s got insurance, great. If her insurance sucks, so what? She needs to find a professional. You can help her find that therapist. You can give her positive reinforcement. That’s about it.
Follow Draven Star on Twitter at @thedoomdoll and visit her at thedoomdoll.com. She’ll be in Chicago July 11-13 for the Exxotica Expo. Brandon Wetherbee will be in Chicago July 13 for The Comedy Exposition of 2014. These are separate events.
Banner photo by Joseph Rosetti, feature photo by courtesy of Burning Angel.