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In honor of National Pet Day we’re publishing some of our favorite animal anecdotes. Wishing you and your hairy friend a happy holiday.

I adopted Lorraine Baines McFly 4 years ago. Honestly I wasn’t really looking for a dog. I was a cat person, whatever that means (I’m a witch!). One day for no apparent reason at all I popped onto the Washington Humane Society’s website and immediately saw her. At the time she was mostly ears. We bonded immediately. I’m the kind of person who probably loves too much. Lorraine is the kind of dog who needs constant attention. It was the perfect fit.

Because we are so connected to each other I rarely have people over to my house. I also don’t like people. However I’m a single gal who enjoys the occasional company of a gentleman caller.

About two years ago I brought a man home to my apartment where I live by myself (BRAG). Lorraine barked but eventually settled down. We undressed in the living room and went into the bedroom. Lorraine stayed on the couch because only creeps and weirdos are cool with their dogs being in the same room with them while they bone.

Once we were done he went into the living room to get dressed and walked back into my room with his pants on. They were wet.

“I think your dog pee’d on my pants,” he said. To which I replied, “Sounds about right.”

He left and I wandered out to the couch to congratulate Lorraine for being hilarious. I then noticed something sticking out from the cushions of the couch. I reached in and pulled out a large piece of brisket.

I do not cook brisket. I do not cook, period. Evidently on top of urinating on this dude’s clothes (I’ve never been more proud) Lorraine also rooted around in his pockets and pulled out a hunk of meat intended for his own dog. They say revenge is a dish best served cold but I now see it’s a pair of pee pants and a stolen piece of meat.

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