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Welcome to A Pumpkin A Day, our new series highlighting the finest in fake pumpkin flavors! Beginning mid-September and running through whenever grocery stores and cafes stop selling pumpkin flavored seasonal treats, we’ll highlight one pointlessly pumpkin product per day.

I’m almost positive I’m the only person in the office who drinks tea on a regular basis, so today I’m trying Stash’s Pumpkin Spice Decaf Tea. Just from looking at the packaging, I can tell right away this isn’t going to taste like pumpkin at all. It’s probably just going to taste like cinnamon. I totally get that Stash is trying to hit the market of people who don’t drink coffee, and therefor can’t (or refuse to) drink Pumpkin Spice Lattes, but I doubt this is going to be good.

Just tearing the packaging open a little bit I can immediately smell that cinnamon I was talking about. The ingredients lists black tea, cinnamon, ginger root, pumpkin spice flavor, clove and nutmeg. I’m definitely picking out that cinnamon, clove and nutmeg, but no ginger root or “pumpkin spice flavor”. Is pumpkin spice flavor just another code word for extra cinnamon, clove, and nutmeg?

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Okay, so I just pulled the tea bag out and the smell was so strong I was assaulted with that goddamn cinnamon. The area around my desk smells like I just lit a terrible holiday candle. I kind of want to sneeze. Everything is the worst.

It’s brewing. The teabag is one of those cheap Lipton kinds, so I’m not particularly excited about the flavor of this. The color is rather light, but I’m going to give it a little more time to steep. At least dunking it in hot water has stopped my desk from smelling like a Hallmark candle store.

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Finally it’s a good dark color… and it barely tastes like anything. I get a little baby taste of cinnamon, but absolutely nothing else. To be honest, cinnamon doesn’t even remind me of fall, it reminds me of Christmas. You know Pinnacle Vodka? The brand that makes all of those wacky flavors? They have an Atomic Hot flavored vodka that my Aunt sent me one year when I was in college. This tastes like a less boozy version of that. As a side note, Atomic Hot flavored vodka tastes pretty good with coke. I wish I was drinking that instead.

Ratings

Pumpkin essence – 0. I taste no pumpkin at all.

Mouthfeel- 10. It’s watery! Just like tea is meant to be.

Diabetes factor – 0. It’s just tea you guys. We’re all going to be fine.

Right to exist – 5. It makes sense. People who don’t drink coffee might want to get in on the Pumpkin Spice Latte magic. It was just executed poorly.

Feel of fall – 0. Maybe this is a personal thing, but this is really reminding me of Christmas. Or Hallmark candle stores. One of those two.

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