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Natural means nothing. Words no longer have meaning. Everything ever is natural if you can dream it. The grocery store is more Willy Wonka’s candy factory/children’s nightmare than a store to buy food.

How is this all natural? It smells like pumpkin spice was doused in sugar and shot in your nostrils. This can not be natural. But whatever, fuck it, I’m the one buying pumpkin pie ice cream at the end of September. This is neither the product nor time to care about health.


The taste isn’t as powerful as the smell. It’s easy to scoff at this product as an abomination to ice cream. Whatever. Stop pretending certain ice creams are better than others. It’s all branding and marketing spin. Ben & Jerry are not better than your local grocery store ice cream. Ben & Jerry are self-righteous hippies that try to make it seem like they’re saving the world but they’re just helping aid obesity. Also, Jimmy Fallon isn’t funny and anyone who eats ice cream endorsed by the dude has bad taste. And Ben & Jerry’s co-founder Ben Cohen won’t endorse Hillary because he still loves Bernie and get over it. How does this relate to ice cream? Harris Teeter is smart enough to sell this stuff as all natural and didn’t politicize the frozen deserts aisle with support for certain candidates.

We should get to the taste. The ice cream is too sweet but the pumpkin pie pieces, some taste like pumpkin pie and some taste like cookie dough, are very pleasing.


I’ve enjoyed this ice cream slightly more with each passing day. It’s not a libertarian or socialist or democratic or republican ice cream. It’s America at its best: too sweet, advertises lies, causes weight problems and reminds you of fights you’ll have with your family at Thanksgiving.