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All words by Keli and Deb

If you were a pregnant dancer, you’d puke too. BYT sent resident BYGays Keli and Deb to check out the movie all the boys on 17th Street have been raving about. Although not professional or even amateur film critics, we felt they were best equipped to review the gayest of movie of 2010. Take it away.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, your drag queen fantasy came true: Cher and Christina Aguilera are starring in the newly released Burlesque, a sparkly romp long enough to capture your attention, lose it and then reel it back in again. Kind of like that ex you just can’t let go.

Overall, Burlesque had a little something for everyone, particularly if you were a gay (glitter guns!), a lesbian or dude (hot girls in nylons!), or a straight girl who likes pretty costumes (and smokin’ bartenders!).

Here’s where we agreed:

The spectacle of Burlesque is captivating. The music, choreography, theatrics and singing were all top notch. The plot, on the other hand, was a wee bit recycled. It was akin to watching Showgirls, Coyote Ugly and Moulin Rouge go drinking, come home, and throw up together in a bathtub. It was your typical “small town girl with big dreams and a lot of talent goes to the big city to make it, hits a couple snags, falls in love, and eventually comes out on top” storyline with all the accompanying cliche scenes that you have come to expect from Hollywood (girl falls in love with a musician/bartender, girl gets her apartment broken into, club owner is just so badass that you know somehow, some way the bar won’t get sold, etc.).

The audience seemed to agree, judging by the well-timed moans and laughter at points that were not intended for comic relief. That being said, the audience also lapped it up. We all loved seeing the high kicks, low blows and over-the-top camp. Christina played Ali, a small town girl with big city pipes, shining in musical numbers that built on the old jazz and soul sounds of her 2006 album Back to Basics. And Cher, when she wasn’t singing, was pretty great as the regal yet tough club owner Tess. Stanley Tucci was a crowd favorite as Tess’ witty gay BFF and hottie Cam Gigandet won over the house with his charming portrayal of Jack, Ali’s eyelineriffic bartender fantasy.  The supporting cast was rounded out by McSteamy himself (Eric Dane) and gay fave Alan Cumming as well as Kristen Bell (aka Veronica Mars).

However, as a gay and a lezzie viewing the same campy picture, we did have some differing opinions. Namely:

The title
Deb: There was ONE scene of actual burlesque. Beyond that it was some fancy Broadway numbers in skimpy outfits. Where’s the artform? Where are the pasties?
Keli: I’ve never seen a burlesque show.

Ali’s small town background
Deb: Nice. Boots.
Keli: I had sexy midwestern hair too, once.

Cher’s solo
Keli: I cried.
Deb: I got bored and drew a pony.

Christina’s chest
Deb: I reiterate – there need to be more pasties! What kind of burlesque doesn’t have any boob in it?!

The outfits
Deb: ::drools::
Keli: A lace onsie? This is supposed to be sexy?

The staging
Deb: I always want girls to descend from a curtain of diamonds and pearls.
Keli: SO MUCH GLITTER. Nothing will ever appear as shiny in comparison.

The soon-to-be-infamous-puking-scene
Deb: Aw man… another girl with an eating disorder.
Keli: Does she have an eating disorder? Nah, girl is preggers.

When Tess smashes a car window
Keli: Get it gurl! Get it!
Deb: I can’t believe she’s letting that girl drive drunk…

On Jack
Deb: He is secretly a lesbian. He wears a vest. He drinks his coffee black. And he and didn’t even try to sleep with Christina when she crashed at his pad. Plus he let her move in after ONE DAY!
Keli: ::drools::

Final Thoughts

  • Cher can put our makeup on any day. She’s an artist. The face is her canvas.
  • A move we’d like to steal: Can we please have someone wearing a ship captain’s hat take nudie pictures of us the morning after we hook up?
  • Oh and this: