Even with NFL viewership down a considerable amount this season, I assume that you – like most of us – caved in and watched the Super Bowl. Either out of tradition, boredom, or just because your sense of activism does not extend as far as not wanting to see Trump supporter Tom Brady lose and pout, a lot of people still watched the game (even if less than in 2017). Therefore, I’m sure a great deal of you also saw whatever the hell Justin Timberlake was doing out on that field.

There’s no doubt that Timberlake is a talented performer and musician. There’s also no doubt that most Super Bowl Halftime Shows are generally kind of whack and out of touch. Below is our alternative set-list, given the freedom to pick whatever artist or song I would rather have heard.

“Filthy”

Almost anything but this song, but if we’re sticking to the theme of being unclean, how about “Dirrty” by Christina Aguilera? It also shares in that post-apocalyptic club vibe Justin seems to be going for with this album.

“Rock Your Body”

Honestly this track and “Señorita” were the two highlights of JT’s performance. I can’t really take issue with this Off The Wall era Michael Jackson tribute act – it holds up surprisingly well.

“Señorita”

In hindsight, we shouldn’t have been surprised to hear Pharrell sing in Spanish with J. Balvin. One of the benefits of being an ageless vampire is the knowledge that all trends eventually come back around.

“Sexy Back”

“Back That Ass Up” by Juvenile. I want you to find ANY song that will turn a party up faster than the seminal Cash Money anthem, and I wonder how they could ever try to make a PG-rated choreography out of it.

“My Love”

“Int’l Players Anthem” by UGK ft. Outkast – because that’s the truest, most joyful expression of love and faithfulness I’ve ever encountered in popular music. I’m not married, but you best believe my hypothetical bride best be cool to this song playing on repeat at the wedding afterparty.

“Cry Me A River”

You think I’d put together this list without recognizing #JanetJacksonAppreciationDay? Justin Timberlake might want to heed Ms. Jackson’s words as his career begins to circle to plummet on the back of all the terrible reviews for Man of The Woods – you don’t know what you got ’til its gone.

“Suit and Tie”

This isn’t a bad song, but it makes me think of children playing dress up. As such, “Kids” by MGMT.

“Until The End of Time”

By this point I was half asleep and mainly worried about just how long this halftime show was going to actually run for. “Boredom” by Tyler; The Creator it is.

“I Would Die 4 U”

Prince was an angel and we shouldn’t have done him dirty like this.

“Mirrors”

I know this is supposed to be a song about finding your soulmate, but we’ve covered that theme earlier in this list with UGK. Instead I would throw in “Someday” by The Strokes for a healthy dose of nostalgia and romance for our misspent youths.

“Can’t Stop The Feeling”

The performance left me feeling empty, numb, and sad that we were subjected to Justin Timberlake in Duck Dynasty cosplay. Aptly, I would have closed out the show with “Can’t Feel my Face” by The Weeknd.

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