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Christopher Abbott is leaving Girls, meaning that unless Lena Dunham can find a Christopher Abbott impersonator and/or evil twin, Charlie is going to have to be written off. First, I would like to say that I’m a little offended that Christopher didn’t even consult me before making this life-changing decision; as a person who just became emotionally invested in the re-blossoming of Marlie (a television couple name that I may have just invented, I’m not entirely sure), I am not really sure how to bounce back from this.

Last sentence. (LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY GOT HER GODDAMN WISH…)

STOP IT, CHARLIE. WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. ALWAYS.

I mean, who are we left with now? Ray? The junkie from downstairs? ADAM?! Ugh. In spite of my inner turmoil after learning all of this horrible news, though, I will try to help Lena Dunham out in a pinch with these ideas for how to write Charlie off the show:

  1. In a surprise twist, it turns out that creepy Adam was wearing a Charlie suit the entire time; his double life will be revealed in the first episode of the third season, and Marnie and Hannah (while initially struggling to come to terms with all of this) will bond as a result.
  2. In a surprise twist, Charlie finally receives a belated invitation to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and, unable to pass up such an amazing opportunity, packs up his life and moves to the UK to hone the wizard skills he never even knew he had. (Marnie continues to muggle it up in America.)
  3. In a surprise twist, Marnie wears a pair of ridiculous heels and falls, hitting her head and waking with amnesia. She remembers everyone except for Charlie, and, unable to handle the emotional strain, he separates himself from the group FOREVER.
  4. In a surprise twist, the girl that Charlie works with who is always making Marnie jealous is actually a cult leader, and she tricks Charlie into joining her cult FOREVER.
  5. In a surprise twist, Charlie gets severe food poisoning from a trendy new food truck at Smorgasburg (probably a rogue popsicle or bowl of ramen) and dies FOREVER.
  6. In a surprise twist, Brian Williams makes a cameo on the show as Marnie’s overprotective father, and in some scare tactics gone awry, he accidentally strangles Charlie to death. #OOPS
  7. In a surprise twist, Charlie accidentally walks into a time machine while thrifting with Marnie in Williamsburg, and is transported back to Downton Abbey where he and Lady Mary fall madly in love. (Because Matthew is dead now, and that can happen.)

And in an UNsurprising twist, we will all miss Charlie FOREVER. How would YOU write him off the show? Leave your ideas in the comments and/or on Twitter, and then maybe Lena Dunham will have the same ideas as you! In the meantime:

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