If you’re like most American’s, you’ve spent the last couple days with your eyes glued to the television. Watching as athlete after athlete, in the prime of their lives, compete for the ultimate gold medal. You’ve seen Michael Phelps casually nab his 20th gold medal. You’ve seen Simone Biles jump higher than you thought it was possible. And you’ve seen Katie Ledecky absolutely murder the freestyle. Despite the Zika infected skies and bacteria infested waters, the Olympics have been good to us… And what better way to celebrate this ultimate display of athleticism than by cramming yourself with the most unhealthy breakfast food imaginable? Or as we like to call it, the American Way.
Heavy Seas Wake N’ Bacon Brunch
We love beer. We love bacon. But unless you’re Anthony Bourdain’s Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu blue belt wife, there is no way this shit is healthy for you. Which is why, this brunch is right up our alley. A celebration of beer and bacon, Heavy Seas will have four breakfast themed beers on cask made with Chesapeake Bay Roasting Company coffee and the Pieces of Eight food truck will be around to fill you with all the artery clogging bacon your heart desires.
Kangaroo Boxing Club
Sure, KBC has a lot of not so bad options on their menu. You could order the Big House salad or the smoked salmon, but you’re a true red blooded American, which means there’s really only one option, The Four Horseman of the Aporkalypse. Pilled high with smoked pulled pork, ground pork, ham, bacon, and egg, this is a monstrosity of a breakfast sandwich. If you planned on doing anything after brunch, cancel those plans, because the only thing you’ll be physically capable of is napping.
Of course, there are plenty of ways to have an unhealthy brunch that don’t involved eating meat. French toast (which is a carb bomb if there ever was one) in its natural state is pretty unhealthy, but Founding Farmers takes it to a whole different level with there three different stuffed french toasts. From the classic (maple cinnamon syrup) to the just plain dessert options (bananas foster) this is a sure fire way for vegetarians to get in on the fun. And by fun, I mean feeling like you’re going to die from cardiac arrest any minute. Oh and did I mention the come with vanilla pastry cream? Because they do.
Birch & Barley
You could easily come to Birch & Barley and just have 10 beers for breakfast. That would definitely be enough to put you solidly in the unhealthy category, but Birch & Barley isn’t willing to stop there. They’re not satisfied with pumping you full of good beer and pushing you out the door, which is why they offer their delectable fried chicken and waffles. Paired with buttered pecans and a maple-chicken jus for dipping, the calorie count must be insane. Grab a fresh donut to go along with it, and you’ve essentially destroyed the possibility of a healthy breakfast. Good for you.
Buffalo & Bergen
There are a million ways to start your day off the wrong way at Union Market. I like to grab a frozen cocktail from Suburbia and wander around eating all of the things I know aren’t good for me. But if you’re dedicated to filling your stomach with Bad Things, look no further than Buffalo & Bergen’s Lox’d & Loaded. It’s a classic spicy Bloody Mary that also happens to be garnished with an everything bagel filled with lox, cream cheese, capers, and red onion. What a way to start the day.