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Jeff Goldblum is marrying a woman 30 years his junior. Love is love! At the end of the day who wouldn’t marry Jeff Goldblum? The man gave us Earth Girls Are Easy, The Fly, motherfuckin’ Jurassic Park and the laugh heard round the world.

For some reason a large age difference between two people in a relationship is still the stuff of gossip. When a younger woman dates an older man she is seen as a gold digger, or in this case a Goldblum digger, even if there is no gold for the digging. When an older woman dates a younger man she is called a cougar, on the prowl for that fresh, young meat. In both cases men are congratulated for their conquests but THAT’S NOT WHY WE’RE HERE TODAY. This is a fun post. In my world age has no color. I would absolutely date someone Jeff Goldblum’s age. In fact I would date any one of the following older folks. How adorable will we look on the red carpet? Me in a stunning Dior gown pushing them down the aisle in a wheelchair, oxygen tank grasped firmly in my bejeweled hand?

Robert Redford

I am not a huge baseball fan but I have no problem saying that The Natural is one of my favorite baseball movies, followed by Field of Dreams (PEOPLE WILL COME). This is where I first fell in love with him. He was 48. Some would consider that to be nearly past a person’s prime but he was glorious! Beyond his physical appearance and his accomplishments as an actor the man started the Sundance Film Festival, is an acclaimed director and spent 106 minutes in a movie by himself last year in All Is Lost. He was 76. Robert Redford genuinely seems like a nice goddamn fellow. I imagine our marriage would be spent splitting time between Utah and Los Angeles while I made countless jokes about plastic surgery and how I’m hardly The Natural anymore.

Bonus Track: The Pygmalion rip-off that was Up Close and Personal with Michelle Pfeiffer

Bruce Willis

The only Christmas movie you need to concern yourself with is Die Hard. Get out of my goddamn face with A Christmas Story. That movie is shit. Bruce Willis is the stereotypical action hero every movie has tried to duplicate, tried and failed. Before he was John McClane he was David Addison of Moonlighting fame. Maybe it was inappropriate for a 5 year-old to watch a sexy TV show about two detectives solving crime but I was already knee-deep in alluring mystery shows in the form of Murder, She Wrote so this wasn’t much of a jump. Bruce Willis brought far more to John McClane than mere fire power. He brought comedy and it was comedy that kept me there. Yes he played a compelling ‘didn’t know he was dead’ guy who killed Donnie Wahlberg (RIP NKOTB) in The Sixth Sense but it’s that sassy comedic timing that’s going to keep this marriage alive! We’ll spend most of our time dodging phone calls from his 3 children while we attempt to start an entirely new family of our own but the bulk of our precious marriage will center around laughter! And of course my nearly nightly request of “Just put on the tank top one more time and say it…come on…”

Bonus Track: Hudson Hawk because yes.

Dolph Lundgren

Two words: Ivan Drago. OH GOD IT BURNS. He looks like a Viking God from the icy north but there is a shit ton of brains behind all of this brawn. Lundgren has a degree in chemistry, a degree in chemical engineering and a Master’s Degree in Chemical Engineering. Shame on us for thinking all of this height and blonde couldn’t boast such an impressive educational background. He’s originally from Sweden so our marriage would be one of world travel and education. There will be no museum left unturned. He will carry me around in his arms as if I am a wee babe (gross but you get it).

Bonus Track: He was the Master of the Universe once…that’s right….HE-MAN.

Ed Begley Jr.

Ed Bagley Jr. stars with Jeff Goldlbum in the never really spoken about but is mentioned in a Milli Vanilli song,  Transylvania 6-5000. Try not to get overwhelmed by the fact that Ed Begley Jr., Jeff Goldblum and Milli Vanilli all have something in common. Ed Begley Jr. is that slightly nerdy-looking funny guy whose sense of humor lends itself to your attraction to him and the next thing you know you want to make beautiful slightly cross-eyed babies with him. My favorite part about Begley Jr.’s career is, like Goldblum, he has gotten to a point where he is totally not afraid to be really goddamn silly. Look at what he’s done with Tim and Eric.

He is also in one of the best episodes of the now defunct Tales from the Crypt in which he plays a corrupt door-to-door salesman trapped in a house with a deranged salesman-killing family all played by Tim Curry. I don’t think I’m making myself clear her, to attempt escape Ed Begley Jr. has to bone a VERY hideous lady version of Tim Curry. It’s masterful. I am sure Ed Begley Jr. and I would live out the rest of our days in solitude in our mountain retreat home, filming sketches for our new YouTube channel Begley’s Can’t Be Choosers.

Bonus Track: She-Devil starring Roseanne. You like revenge films? Okay then.

Tim Curry

Speaking of Tim Curry, Tim Curry. Not only would I marry Tim Curry the man but I would also marry Tim Curry…

The Devil from Legend

The first thing you might be saying to yourself is “THAT WAS TIM CURRY?” Yup, that’s Tim Curry. Have you ever seen his body in Legend? It’s bangin’. Yes he is Darkkness. He absolutely wants to get rid of all the light in the world so evil can take over….but did you check out those abs? BRB, going over to the dark side. NEVER COMING BACK.

Snooty Concierge from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

Oh he’s an asshole for sure but we will always eat at the best restaurants and we can probably stay in his hotel for free. Plus neither of us likes Macaulay Culkin and I have NO problem basing our marriage on a mutual dislike for someone in a Velvet Underground cover band called Pizza Underground.

Dr. Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Every night he sings me to sleep while we share lingerie and makeup tips. Heaven.

The Butler from Clue

I would never want anyone to actually wait on me hand and foot but if my husband happens to be someone who professionally waits on both hands and feet? Well then…plus he’s a crackerjack at solving murders which means if I ever get murdered he’ll bring my killer to justice in the most amusing way possible. Fingers crossed it’s in the bedroom with a PEACEFULLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

The Grand Wizard from The Worst Witch

Tim Curry is in this movie for exactly 5 minutes but it’s the greatest 5 minutes of his career. First of all you’re married to a flying wizard but wait…there’s more. He is possibly the best lyricist of all times with little gems like HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY TAMBOURINE??? This nonsensical marriage will span several lifetimes (movies) I am sure of it.

 

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