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By David Carter

Donald Trump lost two celebrity chefs in his new flagship luxury D.C. hotel due to his inflammatory statements about, well, people, places, and things. It is hard to have a professional relationship with a pile of bigoted mad-libs in an orange dumpster fire. Here are 10 of my ideas of replacement chefs.

Guy Fieri

Of course, right? I don’t understand his popularity, but you can’t deny it. Just like Trump. Plus, it is a well know chef’s secret that Trump is nothing but a sentient skin balloon of Guy Fieri’s famous Donkey Sauce, a slop named after an ass. Think of the branding!

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Paula Dean

This butter buffoon butter be ready to butter up to D.C. elites with her southern charm. Haha Did I say southern charm? I meant racism. Paula and Trump can spend days on end just agreeing with each other how they feel about minorities. While black employees were reportedly removed from the floor of one of Trump’s casinos whenever he visited, Paula wanted a slavery themed wedding. So they will have to compromise on staffing, butter I’m sure they can! Hate perversely perseveres and the south will rise again if you add baking soda. “But David, Donald Trump hates women!” I know, but Paula Deen is a grandmother that will get grandfathered in because she’s too old to be bleeding out of her whatever.

No Chef, No Restaurant, Just a Bottle Service Only Lounge That Only Serves One Type of Vodka

No Chef or Restaurant or Bar, Trump Doesn’t Drink So They’re Just Serving Water

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No Chef or Restaurant or Lounge or Water, Just Vending Machines with Trump Steaks

11 Million Undocumented Workers

Listen, they have to go somewhere, right? The facts have spoken. There is no possible way that Trump can deport 11 million people. America doesn’t have the means or way, only a committee by the same name. So where can Trump put them? To work! Then they will no longer be undocumented. They will pay taxes, be able to provide for their families, give back to their communities, and grow our middle class! We can make America great again with a path to citizenship! …wait, I think I just described amnesty. Nah. He’d never go for that. What would Ronald Reagan say? Never mind.

Papa Johns

Because, fuck it.

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KFC

Someone Great, Just Tremendous

This guy is just the best. Everyone says it. Everyone! You’re going to love him. Trust me. It’s what I heard. This guy, and you know I know the best guys, the greatest. What he is gonna do, and believe me, it’s gonna be huge. Bring him in. Ya bring him in, and this is great, you’re gonna love it. He is best that’s ever been and you’re gonna be tired of how great he is. You’ll be eating and thanking me. And you should. Everyone says so. And I know. He is great, just tremendous.

Donald Trump

Who doesn’t like taco salad?

David Carter is a comedian and actor, a D.C. native, but now lives in Chicago. He performs regularly at the Laugh Factory and sketch shows at Second City. You can follow him on Twitter at @_DavidCarter_, Instagram @davidcartercomedy, or find him on Facebook.

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