Where Jason watches the #1 movie in America every week so you don’t have to.
See fatty fall down.
I have to confess something to all of you: I stayed home for the inauguration. Do not misunderstand me, I enjoy hope. I like change. I particularly love the fresh air of YesWeCanIsm that’s been blowing over the land lately*. But I don’t much like people. Well, that’s not specifically the truth, I don’t like the SMELL of people. Believe you me, having my personal area invaded by randos that smell like spicy farts and unfulfilled dreams is not my idea of a good time.
This is essentially the same reason I don’t attend live sporting matches or go to church**. Crowds bother me. Plus I have a nice TV at home. Why go out and experience life when I can sit on the couch in my boxer-briefs, eat Cinnamon Toast crunch straight out of the box with my hands, and enjoy history being made from the warmth and safety of my own home***? Some of you might be saying that I should want to “live the moment” and “share a monumental experience” with my “fellow travelers on this, the Third rock from the sun.” I say move back to Denver, go eat some Kaschi, and take a bath you fucking hippy. Besides I could either try to peer around the swollen noggin’ of some dude in a gigantic red-white-and-blue Obamaniac! cowboy hat to see the proceedings outdoors on a giant screen in the freezing cold, or I could comfortably see everything on a giant screen in my house. Don’t call me anti-american because I chose the latter. In fact, I would say I’m MORE American because I chose the easy, lazy way to do it. So eff all y’all.
And, as much as I hate crowds, I would rather sit in a broken elevator for 3 hours with the current cast of The View and discuss their yeast infections than watch Paul Blart again****.
Paul Blart:Mall Cop is for one type of person: the kind of person who thinks that a fat guy riding on a Segueway and falling down for 90 minutes is inherently funny. Now, well I DO agree that a fat guy on a Segueway is funny, 90 minutes of it is a bit much. It’s a bit like eating bacon, 5 or six strips is good, but eating 4 pounds of it will leave a ball of porkfat the size of a bocce ball in your tum tum.
The scintillating and twist-filled story comes from the great minds***** of star Kevin James and Nick Bakay. Nick Bakay is mostly known to me from his duties hosting hilarious football blooper footage on ESPN and the NFL network. And Paul Blart is pretty much football follies minus the football, plus a different uniform: the uniform of a mall cop.
As I went to see this movie IN A MALL, I wondered how the security would feel that the place they worked in was showing a movie that actively made fun of them. It must be similar to watching Doubt in a Catholic Church or Bride Wars in a room full of people with an IQ over 70.
But no matter that! It’s rated PG! Which means it’s an unfunny movie you can take the whole family to. Want your filthy 10 year old to shut up for a solid 90 minutes? Then plop him down in front of this shit-fest******.
What you say, I haven’t mentioned the plot yet? Well imagine Die Hard. Then imagine it in a mall. Instead of awesome thieves you have a bunch of C-list extreme sports stars BMXing, skating, and engaging in Parkour******** ; generally looking like they were made by a focus group of over-protective mothers. Then imagine a fat load trying to thwart them. And instead of the Bruce Willis Snark, we have the Kevin James Meh. I can’t think of any comedian who has made a more successful career out of being mediocre than KayJay*********.
So if you, like most of America, really like things that aren’t going to give you too many laughs or too many thrills, go see PaulBlart. Either that or stay home and eat plain oatmeal and listen to Norah Jones. It’s pretty much the same thing.
My reaction: blecch (1.5 out of 5)
Next week: The Uninvited, or Taken, or New in Town! Who knows? Who cares? I don’t! Til then, I’ll be putting asterisks on everything**********! Stay hypoglycemic, kids!
*It’s has the strong odor of clean motor oil and powdered sugar. This is familiar to me, because that’s the way my Uncle always smelled.
**Other than the fact I don’t want to give Lil’ Danny Snyder or Jesus any of my sweaty money.
***”History being made” could refer to the inauguration or a new episode of the Rock of Love Bus. O Brittany Star, gone so soon! Who will be left to steal sweaty socks now?
****At least I then I might learn something. If you didn’t know, Whoopi is the world’s foremost expert on vaginal discharge. Her and Fox 5’s Will Thomas. He’s always getting them, dontcha know. ZING!
*****for those of you who can’t read sarcasm this means: not scintillating, not twist-filled and not great minds. I had to clarify, as I don’t know who to trust anymore.
******not the german porno of the same title. Don’t show your ten-year old that, unless you want your kid to be the next Uncle Ed*******.
*******Uncle Ed: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncle_Ed
********The French art of jumping around like an idiot. Parkour was probably invented by someone who was REALLY into Ninja Gaiden. I mean, I was into it too, but I was also into Super Mario Bros, and you don’t see me stomping on turtles every chance I get. I’m very secretive about that.
*********With the possible exception of the Belush, Jim Belushi. But I don’t count him as a comedian because I think of him more as a serious actor.
**********You assholes asked for it, you have to fucking deal with reading it.