A password will be e-mailed to you.

I guess “he” feels the same way about “You” that I feel about this movie

Oh Hollywood! You’re doing so well these days in light of the upcoming financial Armageddon. You’re like a great inventor coming up with new and wonderful ways to divert our attention from things we really should be thinking about*. And with this film, you’ve stumbled upon a brand new genre of film: The film that’s based on a catchphrase from a sitcom!

Look for the following upcoming films:

– Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That – The touching and laugh-filled story of a gay couple who learn that their Broadway musical loving, Bravo watching, interior decorator son isn’t gay, but only pretends to be in order to get more clients! Featuring Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman as the loving couple and Dane Cook in a hilarious turn as the son.

– Don’t Have A Cow, Man! – In Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first role post-governating, he reunites with Danny Devito in a goofball farce about a pair of farming brothers who raise a one-of-a-kind prize-winning calf, Taffy. They have to take her cross country to save her from an evil beef magnate played by Powers Boothe, who wants to perform scientific experiments in order to figure out what makes that meat so good! The twist? Taffy can talk! Taffy voiced by Dane Cook.

– Whatchoo Talkin’ Bout? – Chris Tucker plays a rap mogul who, during a business trip to London, gets picked up by a confused limo driver. Tired after the long flight, Tucker falls asleep in the back seat. The limo driver, played with a hilarious British accent by Dane Cook, accidentally takes him to Wales! Tucker can’t understand a word anyone’s saying, but eventually he learns a lot about life & love when he unearths the undiscovered hip-hop talent of a Welsh girl, played by Lady Sovereign in her big-screen debut.

– D’oh! – Michael Douglas plays a reality TV producer who needs a new to find a new hit show after his current one, Wheelchair Dance-Off!, is cancelled. He discovers the talents of a pizza delivery boy, played by Dane Cook, who can take more shots to the nuts than anyone in existence, and bases an entire show around him! In the end, they both learn a lot about life & love, and wind up opening a pizza stand called Meatballs.

So many ideas Hollywood, but you chose to go with the simple ensemble romantic comedy.

He’s Just Not That Into You is based on a phrase from a Sex and the City episode, which was then turned into a book, and then finally squeezed out of the Hollywood Rom-Com playdoh factory. The story follows an interweaving group of characters and their love lives. The four main stories involve women at various crossroads in their romantic lives. Gigi(Ginnifer Goodwin) is a girl who is looking for love in all the wrong places. Beth(Jennifer Aniston) is a woman in a long-term relationship with a guy who “just doesn’t believe in marriage”. Janine(Jennifer Connelly) is married to Ben(Bradley Cooper), but their seemingly happy marriage is slowly dissolving. And Anna(Scarlett Johansson) is the girl who is dissolving that marriage.

This is a movie that wants desperately to be Love, Actually, and fails miserably. By mashing together a bunch of un-interesting, retread romance stories, it gives the viewer the ILLUSION of something greater than it is. It’s like stuffing your crotch with a cucumber wrapped in tin foil. Once you really look at it, you realize there’s not much there. Each separate plotline, taken on its own, is a movie-of the week. The only reason this is watchable AT ALL, is the overwhelming charisma of the entire cast.

I had to ask myself: who really wants to watch a movie about a bunch of non-descript characters bitching about their love lives? I mean, I don’t even want to know about my friend’s love lives and at least I know them personally. Then I kept hearing the gasps and sobbing around the theater and realized this: Who wants to watch this movie? Women do, evidentally.

Just like The Punisher is aimed towards guys, HJNTIY is aimed towards the female of the species. It starts out addressing women directly, as if the director is assuming there would be no males in the audience. But HJNTIY’s basic theory is that from a young age girls are told by other girls that guys who act like they don’t like them really do, and that’s why so many women are lonely and heartbroken. Someone’s best friend’s sister wound up finding “the one” in spite of outrageous circumstances, and that’s why you should believe it will happen to you.

But really, it’s not people lying to each other. It’s The Graduate. It’s Failure to Launch. It’s The Truth About Cats And Dogs. It’s Hitch. It’s romantic comedies LIKE He’s Just Not That Into You that give EVERYONE unrealistic expectations of love. Do you know ANYONE who ran down the aisle to break up a wedding, or stopped someone in the airport on the way to a job in Europe in order to profess their undying love? Do you know ANYONE who fell in love with a hooker?

No. You don’t. That stuff just doesn’t happen.

To be fair, my girlfriend also went to see this movie and actually liked it. I think her review of it sums up the film completely:

“The whole time I was like: That makes sense. That makes sense. That makes sense. Then: OH COME ON!”

My reaction: There’s better Rom-coms out there (2 out of 5)

Next Week: Tyler Perry makes another movie I don’t understand in Madea Goes To Jail, and a bunch of cheerleaders get Fired Up. Til then, I’m getting the flowers ready for V-Day, kids. Stay romantic.

*Ron Popeil.