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You Are Here with Andrew Bucket, Volume 3
January 9, 2014 | 12:00PM

You Are Here is a weekly column by Andrew Bucket, regular BYT contributor and stand-up comedian. You can follow him on TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM @andrewbucket where he’ll try to not be annoying.

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Mister Andrew,

My friend is what I might call a blue collar genius. She’s from Boston and is a PhD candidate in architecture, but still she likes to drink all the drinks and then teach a class in the morning. Her new boy is nice but is not really on her level intellectually. She’s so hot and smart but seems to date these dummies. Her boyfriend is case in point. She and I used to be really into music and going to shows and I’m not trying to be a snob, but he’d rather watch MMA than do MDMA if you know what I mean.

How do I tell my friend that her boyfriend sucks?

Thanks,
Ladies Night

Dear LN,

I don’t really think your friend has a problem. Let’s go to the tape (he confidently says as if sports analogies are a regular part of his speech):

We have a PhD candidate from, what I can assume by your condescending description is a Good Will Hunting-esque part of Boston, and is still having fun and being a young girl on the go. While she’s at it, she’s kickin it on the reg with the mayor of Bro town, and let’s be fair to the bros of the world because it’s 2014 and unless he hates gays or is racist or demeans women then being a bro isn’t any more obnoxious than saying you’re “really into music,” because what does that even mean?

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Are you also into food, travel and relaxing? What are you, the worst OK Cupid profile?

Back to the PhD candidate—meanwhile, she’s got a frenemy who thinks it’s incumbent on herself to assess and make judgements on a more successful friend’s dating life. Let me get this through my thick skull, because I’m also a blue collar genius: you think your PhD candidate (do we have to keep saying candidate?) friend should be taking MDMA… and doing what exactly… thumb prints with you, and flirting with dudes before you resign to leaving together, because none of these boys compare to late night munching and best friend time?

You miss your friend. I get it. But girl, you gotta get your honkin nose out of other peoples biz. (I’m sorry if you’re self-conch about your nose, was just an expression)

You should listen to some lonely music like John Cale’s album Paris 1919, and then after that I would check out Bill Cosby’s new special on Spotify. You need some of that Cosby decency right now, and don’t take drugs too much. Save it for camping, or at least a long weekend.

Oh, and if you’re bored drink a glass of water, even for no reason.

Bye now!
Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Simple question: I’m 24 and don’t know if I should get out of town and go to grad school or just get out of town.

What would you do?

Sincerely,
Bored

Heyya Bored,

Don’t treat grad school like it’s something you do when you’re out of options. That’s also why people kill themselves.

Here’s my take on school: it’s always there. What else can you do besides school? I mean, have you ever worked on a lavender farm? I bet you haven’t, and I defy you to tell me that doesn’t sound nice. There are probably cool girls there named Hazel and Maggie and there’s a farmhouse where you go for supper (cuz they say supper there) and the dumb but sweet son of the owner is always like “hope it doesn’t rain later!” Sometimes you go into town to buy odds and ends or sell some lavender soap you made, but the best times are when you guys just porch it up and drink that mead that Hazel makes.

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Check out the band Quilt and meditate on life at a lavender farm and then contrast that with grad school. The more appealing choice will reveal itself to you.

Tchuss,
Buckman

Andrew,

How could I kill someone and get away with it?

Thanks,
Weird Beard

Dear Weirdo,

Watch Breaking Bad.

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But honestly you should get help. Did you know that it’s not too late to sign up for health care dchealthlink? Depending on your income bracket you might be eligible for almost free health care. No kidding.

You really should because you never know when something horrible could happen like, I don’t know, getting a hand wound. If that happens just don’t ever go to Howard University Hospital. It’s not a good facility. In fact, if I give you any piece of advice it should be this: if you are hurt in an accident (fate forbid) and are in an ambulance, with the last breath you can muster I want you to yell one word as loud as you can: SIBLEY.

Other than that, look, you shouldn’t pay for cable television. Get the basic Internet connection and then spend some money on an Internet ready TV. The money you would have handed to Comcast in a few months will more than pay for it. Then just get HBO Go, Netflix and Hulu Plus. That way you don’t sit there watching awful brain drain TV like Bar Rescue.

Oh dude! Last night I saw a great thing on Netflix called Deserts. It’s just a montage of time-lapses of deserts from around the world with like Enya music behind it.

Oh, and all of Breaking Bad is on there. So you can figure out how to get away with murder.

But really, don’t kill anyone. Just be cool OK?

no-way

Best,
Andrew

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