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Who’s Next for The Satanist Temple?
July 19, 2013 | 11:30AM

So in case you haven’t heard, the Satanist Temple has performed a Pink Mass on the grave of Westboro Baptist Church leader, Fred Phelps’, mother. What was the purpose of this mass? To make his deceased mother gay. Yes, you read correctly. The Satanist Temple decided to make Phelps’ dead mother a lesbian in the afterlife. And they have invited gay couples to come and make out on her grave to offer her pleasure in the afterlife. They won’t stop there; they’ll keep going on Phelps’ relatives until the WBC stops picketing funerals.

But why just Phelps’ family? Why not other celebrities? There are so many out there that need a Pink Mass. So, let’s speculate who else’s grave the Satanist Temple should visit.

Liberace

Yeah, yeah, everyone THOUGHT he was gay, but he never admitted it himself. So why not put our minds at ease and just make it 100% true? It would be solving one of the world’s greatest mysteries.

liberace

Henry the VIII

The man had eight wives; it’s time for him to try something new. Plus, what better punishment for wanting a/multiple divorce(s)? Sure, it’s delayed, but better late than never.

henry 8

Richard Nixon

His nickname is Tricky Dick, there has to be something in there. Plus, good ol’ Nixon was one of the slipperiest bastards in American history; he totally could have pulled off multiple illicit gay affairs.

Yeah, I bet you like those scantly clad gladiators, Tricky Dick.

Yeah, I bet you like those scantly clad gladiators, Tricky Dick.

Ronald Reagan

The image of masculinity, buff cowboy, and Mister I-Am-The-Most-Conservative: he’s basically the most heterosexual. So, let’s bedazzle that cowboy hat and ride a horse of a different color, if you know what I mean.

thats so reagan

Ben Franklin

This founding father was literally a world-renowned player, bedding more French prostitutes than he had teeth. But who’s to say all those prostitutes were female?

Hey, thanks Ben!

Hey, thanks Ben!

Margaret Thatcher

Thatcher was known for being such a hard ass, so it really isn’t that implausible to imagine her as a butch lesbian. Sure, she was ultra conservative, but wouldn’t that make her conversion all the more sweet? Even better: “The Iron Lady” would be her dominatrix name.

That hurts, Maggie, that really hurts.

That hurts, Maggie, that really hurts.

Dumbledore

To satisfy all of those fans that believe Rowling’s random claim on this character’s sexuality and to thoroughly piss off the rest of them who think that is total bullshit.

dumbledore

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