Illustrations by Ryan Mahoney // Concepts by Peter Heyneman, Jenn Tisdale, Sniffles Manchester

Valentine’s Day, originally started in honor of Saint Valentine, is now mostly associated with the display of love, whether it be between husband, wife, or partner, or between boyfriends and girlfriends, a person to his/her emotionally dependent crutch.

Like most of our cultural rituals, Valentine’s Day has become a cash crop for many companies ( Hallmark, Lingerie stores, Chocolates companies, Jewelry shops pedaling blood diamonds, flower shops exploiting migrant workers … damn this is getting dark) to make large amounts of money by selling overpriced items.

But wait! We’re here to both save you so many and hyper-localize the word play of your Valentine’s Day cards. Enjoy these DC-specific Valentines:

• Napoleon Complex Husbands

• Halfbaked Meta Blossoms

•  George Washington’s Pants Would Be Tight With Pride:

•  For The Georgetown Bro Has No Problem With The Redskins Name:

•  Marry Us, Marion:

•  Slick Willy Style All In It:

•  Do you have a gentrification lasting for more than 4 years?

•  ”I’m From DC”

• H Street’s Great, But…

•  I’ve got a raging Boehner for you:

• Stylin On Your Ass With The Double Entendre

•  Driving In The District Is Like Suffering A Kick Below The Beltway

•  Speculative Shanahan Believes He Knows What’s Best For You

•  Make My (Sandra) Day

•  If You Love Someone. Say Something

•  And Lastly, And Most Intensely: