Right before I start off every week’s column, I line up all the clips and pictures I have from the week and try to find a common theme thread throughout. This week, everything is really gross. Like, Santorum gross. No, not the politician – the noun. I mean, the other noun. The “frothy” noun, if you will – although a slutty picture of conservative Santorum that leaked this week may get you all frothy, too … if you’re into that kind of thing:

No, not your cup of tea? Mine, either.

Anyway, let’s get started, but be forewarned – you may need a plastic bag or a garbage can to hurl into.

1. Barney Gumble Top: Can YOU Chug A Bottle of Absolut Vodka in 15 Seconds?

Usually, when something is age-restricted, that usually means it’s got to be pretty good (Rated-R movies. Roller coasters. Tobacco). But not this – this is definitely marking territory for gross age-restriction, like being 25-years-old and trolling high schools for peen or poon. Not that that is acceptable behavior at 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, or 24.

And I’m trying not to be judgmental – I used to slam 4 Lokos like a football player slams Gatorade after a big game. And I’d add tequila or vodka to it to make it stronger, too. But this … this is just a mess.

It all kind of makes sense though. The NY Giants hat says it all.

What do you think – real, or fake?

2. Tranny Tops: Chick-Fil-A’s New Unofficial Anthem

I don’t know about you, but whenever I think about sandwiches with pickles, I TOTALLY think about drag queens. Has no one else seen the following amazing video, which will totally gross you out and/or haunt your dreams for the rest of your life?:

Now waffle fries will have that same guilty association. I really hope we get to hear what the conservative leadership at Chick-Fil-A has to say about this, and soon, too – drag queens are pretty much starved-for-attention gay dudes.

3. Versatile Top: Batman’s Mr. Freeze Musical!

Now, this is just nasty – what is worst than Arnold Schwarzenegger? If you answered “Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice,” then popsicle points for you. And what is worst than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice? Oh, you guessed it – Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice singing. Just atrocious (BTDubs – I totally know this isn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger’s real voice. But it’s a good replica).

Although the best part of the song is where he rags on Batman, Robin and Batgirl – so amazing:

“Batman, you son of a bitch

and the rest of your despicable team

Two queens and a fat little girl

Aren’t enough to put a stop to my dream.”

A-mazing.

And if Mr. Freeze and the Batman franchise isn’t your shit, then you will probably love this picture of Deena from the Jersey Shore’s new … face. I mean, she’s obviously had a nose job, but there is something else up with her face that I can’t put my finger on. Can you?:

4. Versatile Bottoms: Sexy Boyfriends

What makes a sexy boyfriend? Everyone will probably tell you something different. A big barrel chest? Maybe. Sensitivity? Probably. Hairy arms and legs? I could see that working for some folks. A kewpie doll collection? Quite possibly. Dog lovers? Definitely. Long, luscious locks? Ummm-hmmm.

If you answered yes to any of the above, then boy oh boy do I have some quality men for you. Move over, OkCupid, because Julian is on town and he’s ready to hook you ladies and gay boys up!

Okay, fine, I’m not going to set you up with a soul mate. But I found these pictures of these two guys (separately, from two SEPARATE sources, might I add) and they really belong together in a special place. Like, furrielove.com. Or something.

Enjoy.

Which shall it be, ladies and gentlemen? Bachelor number one, or bachelor number two? Personally, I’d take either of the dogs.

5. Noisy Bottom: Literally, A Noisy Bottom

Lots of people don’t know how to use the word, “literally.” Just ask Rachel Zoe:

But literally – this bottom sure is noisy. And by “bottom,” I mean the creature that slithers out of the bottom of the momma sea elephant. LISTEN TO THAT NOISE. OMGato. What the hell is that?

My puke bag is full – is yours? I need a little something to eat, I’m famished from all that hurling.

Um … not what I had in mind.

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Okay, that’s it, I “literally” cannot stomach anymore. Have a good weekend – hope you enjoyed that impromptu stomach pumping. To sweeten the deal, enjoy this adorable 2-year-old dancing the jive:

Love you, mean it!