This was supposed to be a slow week. This was supposed to be one of the quiet lull posts between the really epics ones. This was supposed to be a sort of break for me, in which I wouldn’t have to put the various pop culture contenders through a gladiator-like battle to the death to see who would wind up on top. This was supposed to be a week of relaxation and quiet reflection – should Adele have won the “Best Diva Being a Diva” award, or should Angelica Houston?

But alas, time for such reflection and relaxation has passed – onto a new week, in which Angelina Jolie tries to wrestle the top slot from Justin Bieber in a deadly but hard-to-not-watch-in-a-train-wreck-kind-of-way battle royale which will surely end in a leg-lock of some kind. And by the way – neither of those goons are in the top 2, even – that’s how great this week has been.

So, onto the post!

1. Brave Top: Marine Welcomed Home By Boyfriend

Aww, move over, Alfred Eisenstaedt, there is a new cute couple in town! This photograph was captured last week after US marine Brandon Morgan returned home after months of being overseas. Doing his best impression of Rachel McAdams in The Notebook (sans rain, of course), he leaped into his boyfriend’s arms, wrapping his legs around him like a Mexican serape. Talk about passion.

A wonderful moment captured. I don’t think I believed this “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” repeal thing until just about now. Awesome.

2. Skeletal Tops: Cartoon Characters Sans Skin, Muscle, and Dignity

So, this is just pretty much the bomb. Artist Michael Paulus decided to drop-kick your childhood in the balls and strip down some of our cartoon favorites to their bare essentials – and I’m not talking cartoon porn, either, weirdos. He’s taken pictures of current and classic characters and rendered them down to the bone, showing us what they would look like had they lived real lives, gotten appendicitis and needed to go get a C-T scan. Adorbs, right?

Am I the only one who is so surprised at how many of the characters have such disproportionate, ginormous noggins?

Check out his site above for the full collection, but here are a few more of my favorites:

Thanks for the nightmares, Mike!

3. Versatile Because It May Be Irrelevant By Now: Princess Lana Del Rey

Do people really care about Lana Del Rey anymore? I sure do, so I think that makes this clip not only highly relevant but controversial enough to land in the coveted and highly ambiguous “versatile” category. Plus, who doesn’t like the Super Mario Brothers and the insane mythology of the characters and the games? If Lana Del Rey is going to drag Princess Peach down, then the Super Mario franchise will Lakitu-brother the collogen-injected hussy back up there. If you need to look up what “Lakitu brother” is,  then by default you are at least three gold stars cooler than I am.

If the song above doesn’t tickle your pickle, maybe this old hag will:

Hero. Hashtag.

4. Competing Bottoms: Who Is The Saddest Twitter User Ever?

So you thought that the competitions were over last week when the Diva Awards came to a close, now, did you? Well, lucky for you, you were mistaken. One award needs to be handed out this week, and it is for the Saddest Twitter User. Unlike last week in which I served solo on the panel for the Diva Awards, this week you will get to decide who is the rightful recipient of this award. So I will provide a sampling of both user’s Tweets and you can decide for yourself. Statistics, if you will, are above.

On one hand you have Jose Canseco, retired Major League Baseball player who seems to be depressed out of his mind. Here are his sample tweets:

On the other hand you have Defensive Nickelback Fan, a “music” enthusiast who will forever be fighting a battle he will never be able to win. Doesn’t get rougher than that. Here are his sample tweets:

Anyway, please let me know in the comments below who you think should get the Saddest Twitter User Award. It’d be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

How can it get worst than this, you ask? Who is on the bottom this week? Well, wait wonder no longer…

5. Sloppy Bottom: Pass The Egg

I have absolutely nothing to say about this (because I am gagging and getting excited all at once. It’s kind of like auto asphyxiation). Okay, fine, I have one thing to say about it – NOT SAFE FOR LIFE. But watch it anyway. Because you love shit like this.

If that doesn’t float your boat, maybe this video of a cat, who doesn’t know that cats hate water, will float it.

Maybe the kitty is looking for some of these delicious underwater treats?:

But then again, let’s hope not.

Bonus *Adorable* Clip of the Week: Sloth In A Onesie

This clip really needs no introduction, and I considered it too cute to subjugate to the filthiness of being categorized as a “top” or “bottom.” Enjoy.

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Have a great weekend, folks, and a special shout-out to Justin Bieber, who turns 18 this week.

Let’s hope something like this happens to him when it is time for him to blow out his own candles; bonus points if Selena Gomez is the one to do it: