The worst thing about TOP CHEF Just Desserts is that after a couple of weeks, all the truly annoying people were gone and now we just have to keep saying BYE! to people we like. Or, as the case may be turning out to be, NOT saying BYE! to Danielle, despite what we all keep going to bed thinking after each Wednesday’s elimination. I mean, come on, SHE HAS TO BE THE NEXT ONE! And then she isn’t.
And, spoilers be damned, Danielle did not go home this week either. She is like a TOP CHEF equivalent of a twinkie-after the nuclear war is over, she will still be there, alongside cockroaches and Cher.
Anyway, this episode opened up with only 5 contestants left, and Yigit, poor thing, being pretty shaken up by Team GO DIVA! no longer being together (4ever) but, you know what-the show must go on.
So they show up at the TOP CHEF kitchen and Gail awaits them with (insert name of edible flower woman guru I can’t remember and cannot look up anywhere) who according to Zac “may look pretty but that girl breathes fire) and they have 3 hours to create a magical, extraordinary, exquisite edible flower arrangement and dazzle Gail and fire-breather girl.
Everyone seems excited to show off their sugar sculpting, flower carving, chocolate folding, fondant molding skills especially since DAWN! HAND! RENEWAL! is giving the winner 5k all in the name of product placement and college funds for their unborn babies. So they all rolled up their sleeves, turned to their sex toy table and went to work:
(i mean, seriously, just look at these “tools”, no matter how (un)juvenile you are, you must have seen that joke coming BRAVO when you put this photo on the website)
And things go down pretty much as expected: Danielle is sloppy, Yigit is over ambitious and then sees Morgan destroy his sugar vase (my guess is it would have gotten destroyed anyhow but…), Eric’s giant cupcake looks kind of a mess and Zac calls his creation “disco flowers” (which prompts the fire-breather girl to wiggle her perfect little nose and announce, without an ounce of amusement that “it certainly is very disco”)
In the end Yigit and Morgan are on top and Morgan wins for his sugar bow and stretched sugar tentacles or whatever. It was pretty, I’ll give him that. Yigit, naturally, feels sabotaged.
The elimination challenge involved Dana Cowan (whose presence I’ve always sort of disliked on TOP CHEF), of FOOD & Wine magazine (which I, admittedly, love so maybe I should not not love Dana) having a CELEBRI-TEA party and the chefs had to make teeny finger desserts for it, which had to match a celebrity couple.
This, of course, left the gays in a tizzy and Morgan in a complete “have no idea who to pick” mode. So, they went grocery shopping and he did what any man in his situation and with only 30 minutes to shop would do, he leafed through some US Weekly and went with…..drumroll please….KIM KARDASHIAN AND REGGIE!!!!!!
Which was decidedly less classy than everyone else who made their selections as such:
- Zac picked Julie Andrews (something with a spoonful of sugar on top) and Blake Edwards (something Pink for Pink Panther)
- Danielle went with Conan and Andy Richter (Something tall and red and spicy, and something short and blonde)
- Yigit chose Madonna and Guy Ritchie
- and Eric went with Oprah and Steadman (two brownies)
And all would have been well (or, at least ok) if the second they walked into the kitchen they saw (OMG!) there was NO CHOCOLATE in the pantry and then had Johnny Iuzzini and his flair for dramatic storm the kitchen and announce that (OMG!) there was NO CHOCOLATE in this challenge and everyone lost their shit aside from Zac and his pink/spoonful of sugar dessert plan. I would like to use this opportunity now for a Mary Poppins music break, because it was one of my Top 3 favorite movies growing up (the other two being “Sound of Music” and probably inappropriately “Victor Victoria”, but, what can I say, my Mother LOVED Julie Andrews and I still bear that cross (I have her Vanity Fair Proust questionnaire magnetted to my fridge to this very day))
BUT-ENOUGH ABOUT ME: a song will move the job along.
Then it was tasting time and you KNEW Eric and Yigit had choked at this “no chocolate” situation because Eric served 2 shortbreads (Steadman is square, Oprah is round-eeeeek) and Yigit threw out some hot mess of a jiggly mess (I know I said mess twice) and called it “Madonna”. Nuh-uh.
The other three did pretty well: Danielle’s strawberry jalapeno Conan was boisterus and spicy, Morgan’s “rough around the edges, and filled with bitterness” Kim Kardashian macaroon was kind of perfection in my eyes, and Zac was just milking the Julie Andrews angle so hard and so nerdily with “captain von crunch” and a “practically perfect pair” buzz words that I felt my mother would have adopted him and left me on the sidewalk had she been watching this episode
In the end Zaccy won (he had to, if he had not we would have all died from HIS dissapointment)
and Yigit and Eric faced the bottom two (Danielle was in the top 3!).And Eric went home because doing a round shortbread and a square shortbread is not doing two desserts and also because BRAVO cannot risk losing Yigit yet-the gays will stop watching AND who would Morgan be in a fight with then?
BYE ERIC! yes, you ARE a chef now.
Next week: maybe, just maybe, Danielle goes home?
Now tell me, how was it for you?