OK-so before we even start getting into this episode of “Just Desserts” I’d like to make a few things clear:

• I LOVE THIS SHOW. I know it has only been 2 episodes but I am ready to go steady with this show, have this show move into my apartment with me and discuss some serious future plans with me.
• EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW IS AMAZING: As much as the TOP CHEF:DC casting was blander than bland, this time around BRAVO went out and did a great job: last episode people introduced themselves with the lines like “I WILL CUT YOU WITH MY FLAVOR” and “THEY CALL ME THE SNOW QUEEN-because my desserts are frozen and I am gay. It’s pretty funny when you think about it” and someone actually looked camera straight into the eye and told the camera that he looks like Marky Mark.
• I LOVE THIS SHOW.
• GAIL SIMMONS IS AMAZING. Why that woman did not have a show to call her own before now is beyond me. She is clever and calm and knowledgeable and goddammit, she loves every second of tasting those desserts and knows it.
• I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Ok-so this episode starts out with the contestants waking up in their house, Tim (the Snow Queen one) making coffee and breakfast like a good house mama for everyone, Morgan (the straight single whiskey loving Dad from Texas (swoon-o-rama)) announces that he and Seth (the other straight one who is not so straight and claims he looks like Marky Mark) are bonding over their similarities (the viewers know-there are no similarities here, implied heterosexuality aside) while Seth dry shaves, calls his sick Mom and sets the stage for the drama! drama! drama! that will be this episode.

NOW-EVERYTHING IS MORE FUN ON TOP CHEF DESSERTS. EVEN QUICKFIRE CHALLENGES. So this week’s quickfire is to go nuts in a candy store and create an homage dessert to penny candy.

Everyone is knee deep in gummy worms and malt balls and sour patch kids and it is kind of awesome to look at all of them crushing and powdering and distilling the products they’re given because being a pastry chef is like basically having a intro-to-chemistry play set and going nuts with it. Unless, of course, you’re Seth Marky Mark Wahlberg and you don’t have enough nitrogen to make your mango sorbet frozen in time so…you do the (UN)natural thing…after Gail (who you claim you have a crush on) and Elizabeth Falkner (who is one of those people who are “so cool you don’t want to be her friend, you just want to be her!”, to quote Zac) walk up – YOU – YOU START CRYING LIKE A LITTLE BABY.

So-(as I mentioned) I really love this show but! I almost turned the TV off then. GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER DUDE. FOR REALLY REAL. I understand you Mom is sick and her mysterious illness does not let her eat spicy hots (or whatever that candy is called) and you wanted to make that sorbet FOR HER but pull yourself together. YOU’RE ON NATIONAL TV. BREAKDOWNS ON NATIONAL TV DON’T LOOK GOOD (no, not even if you’re a housewife). I hope you’re ready for a long life of no dates and finger pointing now.

Anyway, Elizabeth ends up hugging him (embarassing!), Gail looks like she wants to die (rightfully so) but they pull their shit together and announce the losers (including Seth (mwahahahha) and Heather from HOOK (who is there representin’ DC and did not use a single candy in her dessert) and Danielle and her “worms in the dirt” and lemon soda win.

YAY FOR DANIELLE! She has immunity in the final challenge which is…..

MAKE A DESSERT INSPIRED BY A CLASSIC COCKTAIL.

So they take them to Mark Peel’s new supper club and give them 2 minutes each to shop behind the bar.

And they’re all game and have good senses of humor and Zac (who is coming out of this with some sort of a gay cook-book deal or something) does a little dance and everyone cheers everyone on and then Seth and his sketchy windbreaker go behind the bar and…..

THE SHOCK! THE HORROR! HE CANNOT FIND THE GRAPEFRUIT!

And he wants to make a Greyhound dessert and….naturally….HE LOSES HIS SHIT. AGAIN. IN FRONT OF THE JUDGES. AGAIN. And when the other contestants tell him, nicely and helpfully, to just do a variation on it he…naturally….LOSES HIS SHIT. AGAIN.

GROSS.

So now he is completely outcast and no one wants anything to do with him (mind you, he won the 1st episodes quickfire and was in the top 3 for the chocolate challenge, so we sadly know that maybe he’s not going anywhere).

Then the cooking starts and it is fun: Erika is making a margarita cake, Tim is doing something called the “Plantation”, Yigit, who looks 12 but is apparently 29, is all about the negroni. As someone who loves ot drink and loves to eat cake, I was in 7th heaven. Seth is desperately trying to redeem himself (I am sure he is not a bad dude but DUDE….you’re 34 years old. COME ON!) and Johnny Iuzzini (who Alex, dutifully noted, looks like someone you go for “if you like getting hurt”) stops by to check in on them.

And then the serving goes down and Hubert Keller is the guest judge (God I love him!) and there are SO MANY DETAILS TO EACH OF THESE DESSERTS NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO RECAP TO YOU WHAT EACH OF THEM WERE but in the process Seth manages to destroy Zac’s chocolate and in general, annoy everyone even more, SO WHILE I appreciate drama as much as the nice person, no one hurts Zac without paying the price, and I want Seth on the bottom and I want him on the bottom now.

In the end: Erika (and her margarita cake), Eric (and his non fancy looking but delicious pineapple upside down cake) and Yigit (and his wildly ambitious negroni bars which he did not even think he would finish) are at the top and it seems rightfully so and Erika wins. She then looks the camera in the eye and says “I am not a competitive person but once I’m in the game I’m a pitbull” and you can’t help but cheer her on. You go girl.

Malika (who is basically a wet rag of a human being and brings nothing to the table), Tim (who we all love but he does keep making messy desserts) and Seth (die! die! die!) are in the bottom and the judges ask Seth how do they know his “Girl, Interrupted” incidents won’t happen again and he tells them that he cannot promise them that (!!!!!!) And then they ask Malika about her atrocious time management skills and she has no answer. And then they all agree that Tim has a great taste profiling sense AND THEN…SOMEHOW THEY SEND TIM HOME.

WTF BRAVO. WTF. No consistency there whatsoever.

WHAT DID YOU ALL THINK?

But, before you say anything I want to leave you with this photo of Yigit and Zac. You’re welcome!