First off-my apologies that there has been no recap of the last episode. I got extremely annoyed, typed up the “Jamie Sucks” title and could not move past it. That was probably the most annoying hour of television I’ve seen in forever (and I watch “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”).
ANYWAY-you’ll be pleased to know that “Jamie Sucks” title could easily apply to this week’s episode as well, since Ms. Lauren is ongoingly failing to produce anything edible, and somehow not being sent home at all.
BUT! Lets start at the beginning.

The beginning was fun! Tom Chollichio showed up, bald head blazing and schooled that bunch of whiny “all star” chefs what speed actually is. In just over 8 minutes he made a delicious fish dish and then the chefs had EXACTLY that much time to create their own. The winner would get immunity AND a Toyota Prius. THE PRESSURE WAS ON (especially since this was the first time Tom actually cooked on the show)

In the end Jamie managed to get ONLY ONE clam on her plate, Dale’s home made noodles were a joke and Mike Isabella beat out Marcel (who extra cleverly and sneakily used Tom’s already cleaned fish in this challenge) for the car and the immunity (prompting Marcel, who is hands-down the most hilarious loser this season, to make some sort of a Jersey Shore joke re: mike driving a hybrid).

ANYWAY! The Elimination Challenge was to take over a dim sum restaurant in Chinatown (“you can get really cheap massages there” said Marcel with a twinkle in his eye) and not die during the lunch rush. Mike Isabella was to expedite, Jamie totally refused to work the floor (bitch) with Casey and Carla taking one for the team there and then they all went Chinese grocery food shopping!

Which was meant to be fun, since they could not read anything (everything! is! in! Chinese!) and the time kept running out and in the end, Casey had a giant bag of chicken feet, Dale uttered the words “this is my challenge to lose”, and Fabio looked the camera straight in the eye and announced “This is like nightmare on Elm Street: Fabio and Chinese food” (p.s. is it just me or has there definitely been an Asian challenge bend on this season?)

AFTER THIS-It is all but a blur of disaster. Casey had to trim 400 chicken feet’s fingernails, the ovens made no sense to anyone, people looked almost drugged, that’s how slow they were cooking and Angelo told a tearful story about how his Dad is finally proud of him (there need’s to be a BRAVO! True Top Chef Story on Angelo ASAP: the immigrant fiances, the long lost wives, the small child of indeterminate race, the Father/son dynamic-all of this is soap opera gold)

• NOTHING CAME OUT ON TIME.
• NOTHING TASTED GOOD (aside from Fabio’s beef, Dale’s sticky rice and Tiffani’s bun, it seemed)
• EVERYONE WAS BEING ALL PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WITH EACH OTHER
• POOR, STARVING CHINESE PEOPLE WERE FIGHTING OVER THE FOOD AND SNATCHING IT FROM THE FOOD CARTS
• Susur Lee was the judge, though I sort of wish Bourdain was there to rip them all a new one
• DID I MENTION IT WAS ALL A DISASTER?

In the end, once again, I was sure Jamie was going to go home, because she purposefully stayed behind to cook and she effed up both her dumpling dish (featuring her beloved scallops!) and the longbeans dish her and Antonia worked together. BUT NO! THIS IS TOP CHEF ALL STARS AND JAMIE IS APPARENTLY UNTOUCHABLE! So-Casey, taking the chicken feet hit, was sent back home to Tejas to her collection of butchery inspired art and dangly earrings. I never really liked her all that much but I was sad to see her go, and even sadder to see Jamie stay. AGAIN.

Dale won, which he himself called a “bullshit win, since everyone was a complete moron” because his sticky rice was the only thing they could all agree did not suck even a little. Well done Dale!

Anyway, sort of a lame duck of an episode. How was it for you?