By Sean Gray and Brandon Wetherbee
Earlier today the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced their 2014 class. Nirvana, alongside Peter Gabriel, Hall and Oates, KISS, Linda Ronstadt and Cat Stevens will be enshrined in the hallowed halls of Cleveland’s pyramid looking thing by the lake.
It’s no surprise that one of the most important bands of all time has been chosen in their first year of Hall of Fame eligibility. It probably won’t be very surprising who inducts the band, what they say and who performs the covers. But we can dream.
Induction Ceremony Speakers
Likely Speakers: Michael Stipe, Eddie Vedder
Who Should Speak: Someone from Flipper, Greg Sage of The Wipers, Mark Arm, someone from The Vaselines, Kim Gordon and/or Thurston Moore of Sonic Youth
Ideal Universe Speakers: Tobi Vail of Bikini Kill and Mary Lou Lord co-induction while Courtney Love throws things from the crowd
The dude from The Vines who is surprisingly not dead inducts the band as Kurt
Induction Ceremony Content
Likely: Kurt’s sensitivity, how hard Dave hit the drums, “the underground,” how the band changed music (killed hair metal with clips from Motley Crue) and fashion (Lorde and Kanye West are shown on a screen in flannel at one point), Krist says, “All you need is guitar drums bass and a dream,” Dave makes fun of “American Idol”
What Should Happen: Steve Albini opens with, “If this introduction takes more than 15 minutes, someone’s fucking up. Oi!” and proceeds to play online poker for 5 minutes, talks about Major League Baseball for 5 minutes, speaks about analog recording for 5 minutes, 5 more minutes of online poker and ends with a plug for his food blog. Butch Vig is on stage for the duration behind a large Mac wearing those stupid over-sized glasses.
Ideal Universe: Someone, anyone, asks, “What happened to L7?” then Kathleen Hanna is introduced as “Ms. Beastie Boy,” throws to a video of herself saying “I’M TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT ME NAMING TEEN SPIRIT, FUCKING CHRIST” and the video role ends with the words: “NIRVANA….The Pixies should be here first” and The Replacements “Left of the Dial” plays, the camera pans to someone in the crowd wearing a “THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME STILL SUCKS ” shirt under a flannel
Tribute Band Performance
Likely: Dave will drum for KISS since Nirvana covered “Do You Love Me?”
The tribute band will consist of someone from Sonic Youth (ideally Kim), Frank Black, someone in Soundgarden and/or Layne (hologram) from Alice In Chains
Paul McCartney will perform with the remaining members, possibly while a Polo cologne commercial plays on the screens
What Should Happen: Sonic Youth reunites and re-enacts the “Dirty Boots” video with Dave and Krist playing the kids from the video
A collection of all star punks, aka every musician that has appeared on Portlandia doing “Breed”
Whoever is playing says fuck it and does “Moist Vagina”
The band that was “Nirvana” in the Sub Pop homecoming request video plays a 15-minute jingle about upcoming Sup Pop releases while the big guy from TAD is on stage and Eye from the Boredoms jumps off a bunch of amps
Ideal Universe: Nirvana and all of their peers refuse to do anything and Kings of Leon take their place
Francis Bean with Krist, Dave and Pat cover “All Apologies” and Dylan Carlson (dude in EARTH which Kurt was in for a minute/guy that sold Kurt the gun that he/someone used on his skull) yelling from the crowd for them to do EARTH covers, while The Melvins play a parking lot show outside while all the guys that got kicked out of Nirvana sell bootleg NIRVANA ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME 2014 t-shirts and zines about their time in the band
David Yow of The Jesus Lizard covering “Oh, The Guilt” with Dave and Krist. Yow just jumps around shirtless plugging his new solo LP that comes with a beer can covered in cement
Flipper closes the show with a 30 min version of “SEX BOMB” with Gene spitting fire
Likely: Krist will wear a funny hat
Ideal Universe: a big Sub Pop LOSER banner in the background plugging the 2014 releases, a small Kill Rock Stars flag on a shoebox amp, #DGCINUTEROREISSUE on the bottom of screen the entire ceremony
We realized this has turned into a MAD Magazine drawing. That may be because the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame is a MAD Magazine drawing. So it should be Weird Al everything. Weird Al inducts the band, Weird Al covers the band, Weird Al joins the band. Smells like Al. Smells like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.