Brightest Young Things

Today the Westboro Baptist Church (“God Hates Fags”) is in town to protest American University’s unparalleled level of faggotry (trust us, we’ve experienced them first hand). But they’re only spending 45 minutes there, which leaves them basically the whole day to explore the sinner’s paradise that is gay DC. So to help them (and all of you) find the hotspots of homosexual sin in the Federal District, the Brightest Young Gays proudly present:

First Circle: Suburbs

It’s not all about DC - sometimes you get stuck in Limbo before you even make it to our liberal sinner’s enclave.

• Freddie’s Beach Bar - The biggest mistake an amateur who moves to DC can make is to live in Northern Virginia. You think it’s easy to get into DC, but after 10pm, all bets are off. Thank Satan for Freddie’s beach bar, which is a welcome respite from the rest of Virginia (let’s be honest, often a scary place).

• So Addictive Lounge - The new kid on the block, So Addictive just transitioned from a full-time straight bar to a most-nights gay bar. They’ve replaced the Budweiser with wine coolers and are hosting drag shows all the time. If you want to find a trashy GMU kid to sleep with - here’s your best bet.

• Artisphere - A newcomer on the arts scene, the Artisphere has a surprsingly queer staff for a place owned by the government. And that means they’ve been giving lots of love to queer artists.

• Ikea - How else would all the young gay professionals be able to afford the furniture that their tastes require? As long as you can steer clear of the delicious Swedish meatballs at the food court, this is gay furniture shopping paradise. Just make sure you upgrade a bit when you finally decide to move in with your partner and raise a family.

• Private School - You’ve got the disposable income; once you get married in the District (MD marriage coming soon!), settle down, adopt a baby from China, and then decide if you’re sending them to Sidwell or Maret. The former will produce nice kids that everyone loves; the latter will produce mean kids that everyone wants to have sex with.

Second Circle: College

Remember when you got to college, could finally be totally out everywhere all the time, and proceeded to sleep with as many people as possible?

• Georgetown- If you insist on dating a 20 year old, at least date one that didn’t flunk the SATs. They may be preppy, but we know from experience that there are some fairly cool and, um, adventurous Georgetown boys and girls out there.

• GWU - The kids here may not be quite as smart (on average!) as those at Georgetown, but they make up for it in spunk. Literally. Some real fine men and women are available at The George Washington University, and unlike Georgetown, it’s actually somewhat accessible for the rest of the city.

• American - It may be a bit far out in terms of distance, but...well, it’s pretty far out in terms of students, too. This may sound a bit “wonky,” but some of our favorite gays either went to American or go there now. As long as they make it into the city once-in-a-while, give them a try!

• Apex - This club is the reason every 30 year old gay man in DC still keeps their college ID. Thursday night is packed to the gills with gays from every college in town - it’s literally the only thing keeping them in business. If you didn’t have enough promiscuous sex in college, make your way to Apex and dace the night away under the lasers. You’re sure to find at least one college boy who’s feeling lonely.

Third Circle: The Circuit

Circuit parties may not be what they used to, but the DC circuit is alive and well.

• Cobalt - Once left for dead, Cobalt is on the rebound! Indie night SHIFT on 4th Saturdays is one of your best bets, but Cobalt’s real beauty is the off nights: when no one can figure out where the party is, Cobalt is where they end up.

• Nellies - They may call themselves a gay sports bar, but no one here is watching the TVs past 8pm. And how could they? The place is packed to the gills with hot, successful men: the kind of men who can afford a $7 Miller Lite.

• Town - Every city needs their gay superclub, and Town is ours. Two floors, thousands (really!) of shirtless men, overpriced drinks, and a lighting system so heavy on strobes that you literally can’t see who you’re dancing with (which may be for the best). The music is pretty typical, but what else did you expect? Our main complaint: the back room is too bright. C’mon, Ed: dim the lights a little and let’s put those couches to work.

Fourth Circle: Greed

Sometimes, a gay’s just gotta shop.

• Universal Gear - Ready to head out for a night at Nellies or Town? Stop by Universal Gear, grab a banana hammock, tight t-shirt, and the latest outerwear from their selection of the gayest brands in town. Just be careful: you might end up looking like everyone else when you go out.

• G Books - Don’t let the name fool you, the only books in this store are porn. It does, however, have a great selection of lube, dildos, and poppers. The man behind the counter is very familiar with the wares: ask him for a recommendation!

• Leather Rack - That familiar smell of leather! When you enter, it’s like revisiting the 70’s in all it’s leather daddy glory.  They have everything from leather scented soap and ball stretchers to sex toys and paddles and everything leather you could ever want.  The dudes working are always way nice and give excellent recommendations for all your kinky needs.  Now if only they could pipe that leather smell out on to the street...

• Secret Pleasures - This gem of a shop is woman owned and operated, meaning you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable bringing anyone there, from your cute new date to your open-minded mom. They have every supply you’d need from lube and toys to costumes and some of the more sinful items on your wish-list.

• Whole Foods - Oh so much more than a grocery store. So much more than even a Whole Foods. This is the city’s #1 cruisinglocation for those willing to settle down soon and be pushing a stroller through the aisle within a couple years. Of course, it’s also the #1 cruising location for gays who want some married man action.
• Vida/Results - Which of these gyms is gayer? The world may never know. Their owners used to fuck, so if you know which of them was on top, we’d be curious to hear your thoughts on the matter. Just know that the steam room is for getting steamy in more ways than one, and that you should pick your gym outfit with care.

Fifth Circle: Brunch

Brunch is an important tradition for everyone in DC, but no one does it quite like the gays. Get plastered and hit on your date from last night.

• Drag Brunch - DC has recently seen a resurgence in that gay staple, Drag Brunch. You could hit up Perry’s in Adams Morgan or Nellie’s (see circle 3), but scenester-gay promoter Timur Tugberk has recently started a new brunch, La Boum, that we hear is the best in town. Held every Saturday at L’Enfant Cafe, they close the blinds, turn down the lights, and open the champagne for a three hour tour that may as well belong in circle 9.

• Beacon Hotel - Where else can you get absolutely plastered for 4+ hours at only $30 AND still have a totally delicious all you can eat meal? Make an early reservation, because as far as we can tell they never ask you to leave. You’ve got an option of unlimited Bloody Marys or mimosas, but after a few hours they usually run out of orange juice and just fill your glass with champagne.

• Level One - Cobalt’s daytime alias, Level One has got all its dishes named with fairy disco fervor. So if you’ve been out drinking but are “Stayin’ Alive,” head to this modern day “Studio 54” and check out the “Dancing Queens” and “Bell Bottoms” who are hungover and deciding whether last night’s conquest was just a fuck or if there’s dating potential.

• 1905 - The gayest part of the city isn’t Dupont Circle any more. According to the 2010 census, it’s the area around 9th and U NW! And what better place for a Sunday brunch than BYT favorite 1905 Restaurant. This summer they’ll be opening a roof deck, and we can’t wait to cruise the kids at Nellies from a safe distance.

Sixth Circle: The Isle of Lesbos

DC is for dykes too! We’ve got the oldest gay bar in the country and more than enough cool ladies to keep everyone happy.

• Phase 1 - For a guaranteed good time, hit up Phase 1 in Eastern Market, the oldest lesbian bar in the country. They boast pretty much every flavor of activity you could ask for from good ol’ fashioned bumping and grinding and drag king shows to open mics and burlesque. Oh, and Jello wrestling. Really what’s better than that? Make sure to bring cash (this spot doesn’t do credit cards) and tip your sexy, saucy bartenders.

• She.Rex - For your one-off party needs, or to reinforce your Creationist belief that humans and dinos can not only coexist but also get freaky on the dancefloor, She.Rex at Chief Ike’s is your best bet on second Fridays. DJ’s Junebullet, Coach Vee and C.rush spin the best lady jams from rock to funk to sticky sweet pop while you chug $2 PBR and Natty Bohs and cruise the pool table.

• Bare- Gay bar Cobalt (see circle 3) hosts the monthly party Bare - hosted by the Ladies of Lure and featuring DJs Rosie & Keenan who spin fun, eclectic sets on both the main floor and dancefloor upstairs. This Saturday is the party’s second anniversary so they’ll be celebrating with photogs, ice luges, a raffle and more. Be careful though, get your date wrong and you’ll find yourself in a sea of gay sweat and perpetually ignored by bartenders.

• Little Miss Whiskey’s - Your chances of running into a cute queer at LMW are about 80% on any given day. This H Street spot is famous for its mile-long beer list, outdoor patio and slushie drinks that make your mind melt (along with your inhibitions). It’s also a traditional haunt and spinning spot of one of our favorite DJ’s, vAnniety kills. Soak in the blacklight and go buckwild.

• Lace - Lace is Washington's only woman owned and woman operated restaurant and lounge, where every night is ladies’ night. Tucked away at the far reaches of Rhode Island Ave, NE, this spot boasts sheik, upscale dining, dancing and drinking. Back in the day, you couldn’t rock sneakers in there, but we hear this policy bit the dust. So if you like to wear chucks and sip bubbly at the same time, this is your spot.

Seventh Circle: Exploration

It can’t always be about the gay life - our favorite straight venues (all queer-friendly) are some of our favorite venues in general. And they’re just as much hotbeds of sin and fornication.

• Jimmy Valentine’s - It may be the best hidden bar in the Atlas District, but it’s also the queerest. We can’t tell you how many times we’ve met new, secret, hot, indie queer kids at this bar. Every Friday they have PBR countdowns that start at $1 per tallboy and go up $1 every hour until you don’t know what time it is any more. Or try the 100 proof vodka root beer slushie. Even in winter, it’ll warm you up.

• DC9 - There are few gay parties that got big and didn’t at least stop through DC9 on their way to success. Mixtape is still occasionally hosted there, and it was Taint’s home until it ended in 2009. Even drag cabaret CRACK once found a home at DC9. This place has some of the best bar food in town, and a drink selection that ranges from cheap to great.

• American Ice Company - This bar may be brand new, but it’s in the new gayest part of town, and is wonderful besides that. They’ve got a great beer selection (in mason jars!), barbecue pork and turkey so good it tastes like it was flown in straight from Texas, and a perpetual crowd every night of the week. And that crowd ALWAYS includes at least a couple hot, hipster gays. That all combines to make this one of our favorite bars in town.

• U Street Music Hall - The site of our monthly gay happy hours, U Street Music Hall is DC through-and-through, owned by local DJs and friends-to-the-gays Will Eastman and Jesse Tittsworth. This place features both the best sound system in North America and a residency from queer DJ icon Andy Butler (of Hercules and Love Affair). With top-notch booking, if you want to dance, U Hall is the place.

• Rock & Roll Hotel - We never enjoy Mixtape more than when it’s at the Rock and Roll Hotel with queer-friendly Garutachi upstairs. Maybe it’s those dark-corner sofas, or maybe it’s the small-venue vibe and big-venue capacity. Or the friendly bartenders. If you haven’t been here yet, check it out.

• Public Bar - JUST KIDDING!

Eighth Circle: Partying

This is where the magic happens - gay sin in the flesh! Go out, get drunk, dance, get laid. Westboro’s worst nightmare.

• Mixtape - DC’s own alternative gay juggernaut, Mixtape is a roving party that’s gone from small to unstoppable in just two years. DJs Shea Van Horn and Matt Bailer play awesome jams all night, and it’s (almost) wholly different from what you’d hear at Town and Nellies. But the boys keep coming, and we keep dancing. (Third Saturdays, location varies)

• Pink Sock - DJ RAD and our very own Bradley are the residents at this always-new party upstairs at Wonderland Ballroom. The first queer party since it was a black gay bar, Pink Sock has a crazy new theme every month. Past favorites include Stripper Wedding, Strong Black Divas, and Harajuku Cherry Blossoms. Plus: the jams are always new and hot, the crowd is always a good mix of gays, dykes, and straights, and the PBR/whiskey combo special is deadly - especially on a Wednesday night. (Third Wednesdays, Wonderland Ballroom in Columbia Heights)

• RAW - Never before has a party so successfully tricked a bunch of mainstream gays into turning into raunchy sex partiers for a night. You can always find leather daddies in harnesses in the back, and hot boys with no inhibitions in the front. They unscrew the lightbulbs in the bathrooms (they’re really just there for fucking, right?), turn up the fog, and let the boys run wild. It put The Green Lantern back on the map, so if you haven’t been, you really should. (First Fridays at Green Lantern)

• Homo/Sonic - Homo/Sonic is one of the few parties that manages to attract as many lesbians as it does gay men, and that’s thanks to BYT-favorite DJ Natty Boom. She joins DJ Zack Rosen and Michael to take over the Black Cat once a month. (First Saturdays, The Black Cat)

• Maison - Mix some champagne and bubbly conversation, and you’ve got a monthly, French music night for the gays at the Napoleon bistro in Adams Morgan. Low key, low lit. (Third Thursdays, Napoleon)

• Blowoff - Muscle bears and the twinks that love them.  Rich Morel and Bob Mould (love the “Daily Show” theme song? He wrote it...and was a 1980’s rock star).  Some of the best dance music in D.C. happens at this party at the 9:30 Club. (Irregular, 9:30 Club)

• Sunday School - Still looking for some action come Sunday? The Pocket Gays have got you covered (in booze) at their monthly daytime party. With a new theme every month, insane giveaways, and raunchy party games, they keep the crowd entertained and the weekend going long after most people are doing their laundry. (Second Sundays, Local 16)

Ninth Circle: Debauchery
Just kidding, this one is Westboro’s worst nightmare. Or their best.

• Crew Club - it may be in the heart of Logan, but this DC standby is from a time before all the high-rises went up and Whole Foods took over the neighborhood. Craving a good-old-fashioned bonin’? Head to the crew club, rent a Captain’s Room, and leave open the door (and your ass). Or drop your towel in the steam room and dodge a plethora of herpes lips - hope you brought condoms!  Ladies need not apply.

• The Crucible - None of us have ever been to the Crucible, but we hear rumors of what goes on. Let’s just say that Mid Atlantic Leather is to the Crucible what Universal Gear is to Town. Does straight events and those for the ladies too, so check before you go, or you may be way out of your element.

• Craigslist - What’s with all the Cs? Craigslist is your best bet if you’re looking to fuck a senator or their staff. Just search m4m for guys 40+ in Capitol Hill.

• Secrets - Sequins and strippers!  The dancers upstairs at Secrets are well-hung, and the drag queens on the first floor are well-tucked.  Ziegfield's (drag)/Secrets (cock) is a Washington institution frequented by closeted politicians for decades.