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The Nicolas Cage Hairline: An Exploration
January 7, 2014 | 12:00PM

One of the few things that the most recent episode of Community did not explore is the hairline of Nicolas Cage. The hairline is where the answers lie.

Cage’s screen debut was under a different name as a teenager. Now that he’s an AARP member, it’s finally time to follow the hairline to fully discover this enigma of a man.

1981

Best of Times

Full bodied, blonde, vibrant, a wonderful start.

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1982

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

A small role, so you only get hair under a hat.

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1983

Valley Girl

The pinnacle. The hairstyle most of our male readers currently have. Messy but not too messy, fresh, young, full of hope and life.

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1984

The Cotton Club

A period piece deserves some period appropriate product. A Dapper Dan man twenty years before Clooney.

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1985

No Film. The start of the hair loss?

1986

Peggy Sue Got Married

She sure did! Look at that pompadour!

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1987

Moonstruck

A hairstyle to reflect the mess. Thinning but still hopeful.

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1988

Vampire’s Kiss

A wig. It’s gotta be a wig. It’s the beginning of the crazy hair.

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1989

Time To Kill

It has begun. The hairstyle we now associate with the legend first showed itself in the late 80s. It will never leave.

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1990

Wild at Heart

An Elvis with a receding hairline. Fine by us.

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1991

Zandalee

How can you have long hair and lose your hair? How? The first appearance of The Rock look. Also, has anyone seen this film?

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1992

Honeymoon in Vegas

Another Elvis with thinning hair. Again, fine by us.

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1993

Amos & Andrew

A brave actor brave enough to continue to pretend his hair wasn’t going away while pointing a shotgun at Samuel L Jackson.

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1994

Guarding Tess

When the sun hits his scalp in just the right spot, it’s almost Letterman-esque.

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1995

Leaving Las Vegas

His best role brought us his most realistic hair. No effects, all Cage. The hairstyle of a man drinking himself to death.

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1996

The Rock

Wait, how is he growing more hair? What happened to his realistic Leaving Las Vegas look?

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1997

Con Air

Come on. Really.

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1998

City of Angels

OK, it’s getting better. No more Con Air craziness.

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1999

Bringing Out the Dead

And it’s getting better again.

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2000

Gone in Sixty Seconds

And it’s getting worse. Fast.

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2001

Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

Same level of bad. Once again, who saw this? This exists?

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2002

Adaptation.

A fantastic use of his probable hair. Why can’t this be his hair? Why can’t he be brave enough to be himself?

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2003

Matchstick Men

Dad hair for a dad. Good call.

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2004

National Treasure

Crazy movie gets crazy hair. Truth in advertising.

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2005

Lord of War

Realitic bad hair for a maybe realistic good film.

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2006

The Wicker Man

Fuck this noise.

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2007

Ghost Rider

What is this? This haircut is for an 8-year-old.

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2008

Bangkok Dangerous

Fuck off.

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2009

The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans

?

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2010

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

If you’re going to go for it, GO FOR IT!

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2011

Season of the Witch

FTW YOLO

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2012

Stolen

Dad? Is that dad hair?

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2013

The Frozen Ground

Wait, is he playing an age appropriate role with age appropriate hair?

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2014

Left Behind

God will only want the follically gifted. The men and women brave enough to do whatever they want, whenever they want, even if it defies logic and ultimately harms a film. God wants the men and women who do not give a fuck. Cage is in.

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