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The Internet Guide to Losing Holiday Weight
January 4, 2013 | 9:02AM

Louis C.K. said it best: “The meal isn’t over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.” Could there be a more accurate description of our holiday eating habits? I know I spent the drive to my holiday destination trying to convince myself that just because there are five different kinds of potatoes on the table, doesn’t mean I have to eat all of them (see also: Thanksgiving). I certainly failed to convince myself, and I know I’m not the only one. (See also: our BYT-approved workout songs for 2013 and guide to being a better person in general.)

So what now? You’re back in town, most likely back at work and already sick of hearing about how well things are going with your coworkers on their second or third day of keeping their New Year’s resolution. Maybe you’d like to make a resolution of your own, but just can’t tear yourself away from the fantastical world of pinterest. So we’re here to help you lose that holiday weight from the convenience of your own internet.

  • Twerking

If you are anything like me, you can’t twerk. Not regular twerking, and certainly not the kind of twerking that you do in a handstand up against a wall. But again, if you’re anything like me, you’ll burn a whole lot of calories trying. This exercise is perfect to try with your friends.

Or if you’re not into group fitness, you can go it alone in the privacy of your own home/webcam.

Let’s be honest with ourselves: you can’t really twerk unless you have a phatty, or even if you can, it’s not as impressive. Not to worry, there are tons of videos from likeminded concerned citizens that want to make sure that your pancake-assed self can drop it without looking like a fool. Believe it or not, there’s a Howcast instructional video on twerking:

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Or, for more lighthearted non-instruction, you can have this small fabulous child teach you the way while making you feel bad about yourself:

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  • Air Sex

The good news is, air sex is a real thing that you can actually get really good at and compete in (Air Sex World Championship: real thing). And your air sexing can be over the top, or an honest representation of your own disappointing experiences.

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Once again, another workout you can do in the convenience of your own youtube viewing space. And yes, this can be a group activity too:

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  • ¬†Only In Japan

We all know that all the best ridiculous things on the internet are most likely a product of Japan. That doesn’t stop with fitness. How about a classic jazzercise workout with poodles and poodle-human hybrids?

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Maybe you’re a multi-tasker and you want to broaden your horizons while you tone up. Don’t worry, you can learn a new language while you lose weight.

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  • Retro Workouts

Ah, the golden age of home exercise. Dig out that onesie and those legwarmers, and learn from the best. Start off with some expert breathing exercises that are sure to make you super uncomfortable and oh so glad that you’re doing this alone:

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We can’t forget about jazzercise either, especially when this routine is made to match your favorite love songs. The perfect workout to follow half an hour of creeping on your ex’s new special someone.

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If you find some extra energy, maybe exploring aerobic dance would be a good idea. But only if you have matching spandex and absolute numbness in your groin.

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  • Avoid the real world at all costs

Whatever you do, don’t leave the safety of the internet for your fitness needs. Who knows what could happen?

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