What with the NYE date selection process in full swing, we thought it’s a perfect time to rerun Libby’s really fun game for all of us to play to remind you that knowing what you don’t want is just as important as knowing what you do want in a long term relationship (LTR).
Your Worst Mate Generator:
1. Pick a horrible article of clothing.
2. Pick a college activity/club.
3. Pick a terrible band or genre of music.
4. Choose brand of cigarettes / drink / or drug.
5. Pick a life experience (journey or trip that you find very annoying).
6. Pick a television show/movie.
7. Pick a job.
I’ll go first. This is my personal nightmare:
1. Wears Tevas by default but will opt for dorky dress shoe Doc Martens on special occasions.
2. Played ultimate frisbee at a college in Colorado
3. Loves bootleg live Jam band performances and Techno mixes from Israeli raves.
4. Smokes Winstons and does Oxy “casually”
5. Went on tour but wasn’t in the band.
6. Watches Fight Club over and over.
7. Delivers subs.
YUCK. Have fun in the comment section!
PETER’S ADDENDUM
How to generate a random evil NPC Girlfriend.
Step 1: Roll 2d8 * (her age-21)
0-1: Pick a sexual deviancy.
2-3: Pick a sexual aversion.
3-4: Pick a famous ex-boyfriend who she’s embarrassed to discuss with you
5-6: Pick a pet she treats like a elderly parent.
7: Roll 3d10 + 10 for mother’s BMI
8-9: Pick a random concatenation of consonants and/or numbers to insert into her name.
9-10: Pick a sushi restaurant for her to waitress for, or an organic market.
11-12: Pick a fictional ethnic heritage that she insists makes her a victim of oppression and should never be joked about.
12-14: Pick a ubiquitous cute hat.
15-16: Pick a french person whom she worships yet whose name she cannot pronounce.
Step 2: Puke
For instance, I just rolled up Se6oyni, a level 5 Armenian who wears a fez when she hostesses at Yes! and will fly into a rage if you touch her shoulder blades. Her potbelly pig is named Dee-Rida. She is evil.
HAHA! mediocre sex and combos-breath = blech. plus, it can be hard to do cool stuff when someone is too hungover to get up.
i could see the appeal of bro-time.
pocket protectors are where its at.
1. Wears something Izod [made after the split] but calls it Lacoste.
2. Jerks off to a Crew team hoodie.
3. Sweats Phish.
4. Wonders why the Red Man’s red.
5. Loves cruises.
6. Just got into SNL and quotes lines from new ‘sodes.
7. Consultant at a Consulting firm, consults.
1. Pleated jeans
2. Loiters at vegan co-op
3. “Anything but country”
4. Schnapps, particularly banana
5. brokeNCYDE
6. The Italian Job
7. 2nd year unpaid hill staffer
Actually, if such a person exists, I kinda want to meet them.
1. Wears pants/clothes that cost more than my rent. When you introduce to him to friends/family for the first time they respond with “are you sure he’s not gay??”
2. A ‘lit’ major who’s really into ‘fashion’ (i.e. banging chicks).
3. Only listens to boyz noise. Blows a load any time you play a good tune and immediately tells his friends the new music ‘he’s’ been into.
4. Smokes ~pack/day IN my apt. friends warn that he used to be in rehab before deciding to turn ‘artsy’.
5. Went to Amsterdam once where he ‘smoked so much weed that he can never smoke again’ (pussy).
6. Talks shit about me watching 30 rock, yet laughs like a 2 year-old when america’s funniest home videos comes on.
7. lives in his parents basement bc his ‘roommates keep bailing’. for how many years now?? jobless. 25 and still in school.
bonus: kirks out every time a dude talks to me, despite us ‘just being friends’, while he meanwhile likes every photo on fbook of some underage ho taking pics on her webcam in a bra and panties.
…yea ok i just described the last guy i dated. i could play this guy for hours. everyone likes a dude in carhartts, right?!
1: Contributes to lists like these.
1. Think crocs are acceptable footwear
2. Was secretary of the Young Democrats club at a branch campus of a public university
3. Listens to Nickelback and Dave Matthews Band
4. Drinks Jagermeister and Red Bull–that is, when he’s not stoned
5. Goes to Atlantic City to lose all his money on the rare occasions he has some
6. Is completely obsessed with Lost
7. Is an unemployed actor (aka waiter) who isn’t that talented but is convinced that the problem is with casting directors who can’t appreciate his unique gifts
@jimshowe “most defining life experience was her “super-unique”/ubiquitous semester abroad in London” hahahaha. Studying abroad in London is like going out of state for college – not worth mentioning. Yet it doesn’t stop them, at every frigging opportunity.
1. God there are so many clothing items that I have a problem with, but the worst: Wears and/or wore JNCO jeans. Like, where are we, 18th Century France? Are you trying to do the Versailles Glide? Merci but no merci. Who knows what terrors could be hiding inside such wide leg pants…cankles, nuclear weapons, illegitimate children…just get out of my life now, okay?
2. Member of any environmentalist group. It would never work. I hate recycling, therefore I hate you.
3. Again, so many, but I’ll have to go with Christian Rock. Let’s not disguise worship songs to try and make them cooler. They still suck.
4. Smokes menthols. No thanks.
5. Interned for BYT. JUST KIDDING! I’d have to say the time he found God, whatever that means. Where was he hiding? Can you unfind him please?
6. Watches golf on TV.
7. One of those clowns that shows up for birthday parties. Do those even really exist? I once saw one in Georgetown driving a Toyota Tercel, but apart from that experience they’ve remained (thankfully) absent from my life.
1. wears a Utilikilt which is by default paired with combat boots or wool socks & Birkenstocks.
2. hacky sacks on the quad at some z-list “progressive” college like Evergreen State
3. religiously goes to chain irish pub every friday to rock out to the local jam/folk bands
4. smokes cloves
5. most of the year is spend perfecting their stick juggling in preparation for Burning Man and/or Bonaroo
6. computer programmer by day; poet, artist, musician, lover by night.
1. Exclusively wears ill-fitting navy or green American Eagle Polo-style shirts because its “easy style” and fear of color.
2. Spent most of college, and continues to spend most of free time, drinking excessively with alcoholic friends who do nothing except watch sports on TV, buy cars they can’t afford, play beer pong and rock band, live in a rented group house, and would leave you to die by aspirating your own puke because they are too drunk and self-centered to notice.
3. Listens exclusively to DMB and Jack Johnson.
4. Consumes massive amounts of weed, Coors Light, Razzmatazz and Combos.
5. No notable life experiences discussed.
6. Obsessed with sports and “24.”
7. Runs small business doing consulting, goes to cheesy networking events. Reminiscent of TV infomercial personality when in “work mode.”
1. Thrift store jacket that you could zip up, but then you couldn’t breath.
2. Getting hammered to celebrate the victory of her college team that she never once actually watched.
3. Listens to Britney ‘ironically.’ As in, pays for $100 concert tickets, you know, ironically.
4. Jaggerbombs with her older brother and her older brother’s friends a few times a month.
5. “In Tasmania they really know how to live. I mean, the people are a little backwards and everyone is drunk by 7pm on most nights, but it’s amazing there.”
6. Sex in the City box sets.
7. Never actually had a job, hopes to make it as an artist or maybe work in a gallery in New York someday.
1. Regardless of what she wears she always has her Kate Spade knockoff handbag she bought on K St. two years ago.
2. She played basketball in college, which would be fine except she took steroids and now can’t get her mustache under control.
3. She listens to “indie” “weird stuff” like Muse and the Killers. (full disclosure: I fucking hate Muse and the Killers)
4. She orders Mojitos, which would be fine except it’s ALL she drinks. Fancy French dinner? Mojito. Wedding? Mojito. Art show opening? Mojito. “Wait, it’s only beer and wine? Fuck this, I’m getting a Mojito. Meet you at Bossa.”
5. She won’t shut up about the time she went to visit her college roommate in LA, which she spent going to cheezy clubs and spotting lame celebrities. “Do you know they have bars with no names on the door?? And ohmygawd did I ever tell you about when Billy Baldwin ordered our table a bottle of Absolut Citron??” (she still drank mojitos though)
6. “Friends”. Man, fuck “Friends”.
7. She works for a non-profit helping disabled artists. I think this is great, it just makes it impossible to hate her despite all her other qualities and makes me feel like shit about my own contribution to society.
NOTE: I have never, ever dated anyone with any of these qualities except in my worst nightmares.
anonfem: good point, he’s probably too busy being awesome to be any good in the sack. cuz as we all know
only nerds think about sex.
1. Wears one of those wrap-around stretch fabric corsets that, once unwound, flops random pouches of fat and flab from awkward places like the small of her back and/or under her armpit.
2. part of the Asian Student Union but is white middle-upper class. You can guess that she emails/texts with ^__^’s and owns her weight in manga.
3. “uber fan” of Animal Collective. Only listens to “indie” music. also gets negative points for frequently using “uber”.
4. doesn’t drink, smoke, or use any substance.
5. spent a semester somewhere in Europe and unfortunately has an unlimited source of stupid stories about it.
6. watches endless reruns of CSI, Law & Order, and other derivative crime dramas.
7. BBW in-call/out-call masseuse on craigslist.
1. Hooded jacket with faux fur around the hood.
2. Philosophy major, with no minor, and no aspirations to go back to school. Bonus points for also being Wiccan/Pagan, because let’s be honest, that’s also a college activity.
3. Pop Country.
4. Vegetarian, drinks miller lite, hates people who love ecstacy but tina is her best friend.
5. South America.
6. The Real World DC.
7. Legal Assistant, or Lawyer, or anything in-between.
My nightmare boyfriend is Peter.
- Wears unsupportive tops but is 30 years old, so gravity gets a bit unflattering, oh and anything with paisley patterns.
- in college she was a total frat mattress
- not just loves, but worships Dave Matthews Band, like has a shrine to them
- only vice is alcohol but only drinks to fall down, emotional breakdown excess — never, ever just casually
- most defining life experience was her “super-unique”/ubiquitous semester abroad in London with short stint in Ireland
- will watch “Under the Tuscan Sun” compulsively whenever it is on TV, especially since reading “Eat, Pray, Love” (vomit)
- wishes, oh-so-badly, to be on-air talent at QVC
- worst part, I actually dated her for 3 years — think I was in a walking coma the whole time (insert self hatred here)
1. Tucks whatever shirt he owns into his pants.
2. Attends Younglife
3. Listens to screamo a la “The Used”
4. Is “straight edge” and refuses all drugs and alcohol (yet spikes his hair?)
5. Went on his mission in South America for two years to convert the “natives”.
6. Thinks Wedding Crashers is the pinnacle of cinema
7. “Import/Export Consulting”
I CAST TURN UNDEAD ON LIBBY LOL
1. Wears anything called a blouse
2. She loved watching RPGs with the dudes on the guys floor of her dorm. Sometimes she brought baked goods
3. Cries with David Gray
4. Has never smoked weed cause she is afraid of loosing control
5. Goes to the Rose bowl every year with her brothers
6. Worlds Biggest Loser
7. Does PR for the NBA
1. girls deep v vs. pink polo
2. student tours
3. surfer rock (eg. Jack Johnson)
4. smokes American Spirits or dips
5. “found themselves” abroad in a culture that is just so much more “genuine” and “authentic” than ours
6. Tom Hanks
7. Greenpeace grabber
No offense to you personally but this dude sounds awesome and i want to be his friend. Congratulations on your promotion though!
i don’t think you’d want to date him, peter, but i could be wrong.
1. Wears slightly, just very slightly baggy jeans
2. Heavily involved in a college acapella group, stays in touch with old friends from this group
3. Enjoys christian rock, college acapella groups
4. Heavy smoker (of cigarettes… the other stuff is fine)
5. Counts visiting New York City, especially for the purpose of watching a Broadway show, as a major trip and/or life experience
6. Hates “artsy” movies / only likes “artsy” movies
7. Does completely random white collar job because this person has no actual interests which intersect with her career