Home Alone
OBYTuary: Macaulay Culkin
June 12, 2013 | 12:45PM

No “celebrities” were harmed in the writing of this column. Its purpose is to mourn the loss of their careers, status, and in all likelihood bank accounts.  This is an homage to their life’s work, both well-received and utterly humiliating. I have the utmost respect for all of them, even if they no longer have respect for themselves.

Being forgotten by your family at home, on Christmas, while they dash off to Paris can be pretty emotionally scarring. And while that didn’t actually happen to Macaulay Culkin, he seems to be the owner of a Home Alonely Heart nonetheless.

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According to The Daily Mail Culkin has a 60 cigarettes/day smoking habit. Surely Kevin McCallister can invent more clever ways to kill himself. Is the ol’ paint can to the face no longer working?

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Culkin was born in Manhattan, the third of seven children to a SHOCKINGLY Roman Catholic family. What? How can that be? Those guys love birth control. He got his start on stage at the tender age of 4 and before he was left Home Alone he was under the care of Uncle Buck.  I often forget that both Home Alone and Uncle Buck are John Hughes films. I just don’t know what to do with myself if there is no Molly Ringwald. Uncle Buck was brought to us by John Candy and in my opinion is some of his finest work. PANCAKES ANYONE?

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A year later Macaulay Culkin landed the role that would catapult him to childhood fame as Kevin McCallister in Home Alone. His snarky disobedience won us over. Combine that with what soon became a giant game of Mousetrap with Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern and you’ve got one hell of a Christmas movie. This is one of the only Christmas movies I can stomach. This, Die Hard, and Scrooged. Please don’t come at me with A Christmas Story. I’ll shoot your eye out.

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Fun story, my mom once spent a bit of time with John Heard, the actor who played Culkin’s dad in Home Alone. Evidently he was insane and spoke only of his crazy ex-wife and their acidic custody battle during the entire date. Needless to say they did not go out again. Are we surprised by this? Remember how mean he was to Tom Hanks in Big?

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In 1991 we all SOBBED OUR WAY through the death of Culkin’s character Thomas J. in My Girl while simultaneously reliving our youth through the memories of first love. We also learned about that special lady time of the month and the idea that we do not want to be around men for at least 3 -5 days out of every month. Excellent advice.

Culkin reprised his role of Kevin McCallister in the 1992 sequel Home Alone 2: Lost in New York which was basically Home Alone but in New York City. New York is a fairly small place so the fact that Pesci and Stern’s characters RAN INTO HIM THERE seems totally plausible.

Now his next movie was not met with much fanfare but I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s a cult classic.  In The Good Son Culkin played the troubled cousin to Elijah Wood who was sent to live with his extended family while his mother is hospitalized and his father is out of the country. We quickly learn that Culkin’s character is not what he seems as we discover he drowned his little brother and had plans to do the same to his sister and Wood. Imagine playing a complete psychopath at the age of 13. I get it. I’m an only child. Siblings are annoying, but are they kill them annoying???

After this a couple of bullshit movies were crapped out such as The Pagemaster and Richie Rich but they just didn’t have that adorable Home Alone oompf. Ah, the plight of the child star.

When he was 18 he briefly marred actress Rachel Miner. That lasted about a year. He returned to the big screen in 2003 with the delightfully fucked up movie Saved!. It’s got Jesus, Mandy Moore (who may in fact be Jesus), Susan Sarandon’s daughter, teen pregnancy, and Culkin in a wheelchair. Perfect.

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During this time Culkin was in a 9 year relationship with Mila Kunis who was clearly waiting for Demi Moore’s marriage to Ashton Kutcher to (inevitably) fall apart so she could get on The Kutch. Then in 2004 reports of drug use surfaced when Culkin was arrested in Oklahoma City for the possession of 17.3 grams of The Marijuana and two other controlled substances (or out of control substances, probably).

In 2010 photos of Culkin looking emaciated and sickly popped up while rumors of a heroin addiction were spreading through Hollywood. Culkin denied all reports but it’s hard to convince people you aren’t on drugs when you look like every single scene from Trainspotting.

I have no idea what he is doing today, film wise, but that is irrelevant because he does a MONTHLY PARTY in The Gallery at (le) poisson rouge in NYC called Macaulay Culkin’s iPod. Sign me up.

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If that’s all we get out of Culkin for a while, a mix on an iPod, then I am satisfied.  As long as he stays off the drugs and away from burglars then things should be okay.  Turn over a new leaf Macaulay. Keep this change, you filthy animal.

 Jenn Tisdale is a D.C. stand up comic. Follow her on Twitter at @Jenn_Tisdale.

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