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oBYTuary: Kirk Cameron
January 9, 2013 | 1:35PM

Jenn Tisdale is a D.C. stand up comic. Follow her on Twitter at @Jenn_Tisdale.

No “celebrities” were harmed in the writing of this column. Its purpose is to mourn the loss of their careers, status, and in all likelihood bank accounts.  This is an homage to their life’s work, both well-received and utterly humiliating. I have the utmost respect for all of them, even if they no longer have respect for themselves.

I think I can safely say that 1985 was a stellar year. “Back to the Future,” was released therefore solidifying its status as one of the greatest films ever made, in my heart. VH-1 began broadcasting, providing a classier alternative to MTV. And a sweet family sitcom called “Growing Pains,” began a journey that lasted 7 seasons.

The Seavers were just like any other sitcom family except at one point they took in a homeless Leonardo DiCaprio. What was so appealing about this family? On the one hand you have Alan Thicke’s hair. On the other you have Kirk Cameron.

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Before “Growing Pains,” Cameron had bit roles in various made for TV movies, sitcoms and one ABC Afterschool Special entitled “The Woman Who Willed a Miracle” (pft, this title will be more amusing in a few paragraphs).

Cameron spent 7 seasons of growth as Mike Seaver, that adorably mischievous member of the Seaver clan with a winning smile and a pretty kickass apartment above the garage. He also had a best friend named Boner, a fact which no one addressed.

Perhaps the best part of his stint on “Growing Pains” is the fact that he became a born-again Christian at the age of 17 and began requesting plot lines be adjusted if he felt they were too “adult” or in my opinion too “fucking awesome.”

In 1987 he starred in “Like Father Like Son,” a body-switching film that also starred Dudley Moore as his father. Dudley Moore is British. Cameron is not. No one seemed to think this was important. Meh, accents. This film is basically a poor man’s “Freaky Friday” and the next year became an even poorer man’s “Vice Versa.”

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Unfortunately for himself, but fortunately for us; Cameron could not seem to kick that Jesus habit. Today he is a co-founder of the ministry The Way of the Master which is best known for the television show of the same name.

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Of all the growing pains to live through, this next video is by far my favorite. If you have 27 minutes to kill, do yourself a favor and watch this. Cameron plays an uncle who loves to read from The Bible while inexplicably wearing a bowler hat. First of all the title is amazingly written in what can only be described as Satanic Font. The family featured in this video appear to be decorating a very tiny Christmas tree, or are actually a bunch of giants living in a small house. The son accidentally steps on the head of Baby

Jesus, which was crafted by the daughter who might be starring in her own version of “Children of the Corn.” The son’s friend seems to be generally confused the entire time until he realizes at the end that everything in the Bible “really happened.” Kirk Cameron refers to The Bible as “recorded history.”

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So we lost an actor but we gained a D-Listed version of Tom Cruise. I’m still going to miss Mike Seaver, who probably would have grown into one hell of a pain.

 

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