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OBYT! Ho Ho Ho’s
December 18, 2012 | 10:00AM

Jenn Tisdale is a D.C. stand up comic. Follow her on Twitter at @Jenn_Tisdale.

And now a Very Special Holiday Edition of oBYTuary…

“As surely as I am the living God, everyone will kneel before me, and everyone will confess that I am God.” Woah that’s mighty big talk from a guy who technically lived 33 actual years then like a few days in purgatory then He kind of came back for a day then He lived on in our hearts forever.  That’s Jesus though, always doing things in a huge way.  Welcome to the Christmas/Holiday/Am I Being Too PC Or Not Enough? edition of the OBYT. Guess what, it’s hard to have Christmas (we’re just going with Christmas okay you guys?) without presents, I mean eggnog, I mean “Die Hard,” I mean Jesus.

Jesus’ fame began in childhood and didn’t stop there. It’s hard to follow a virgin birth but damn it he spent the next 33 years trying.  He was a healer, a philosopher, a moralist, and in a way…a chef (water to wine? yes please).   His greatest hits range from healing the blind to a leper or maybe it was just a severe case of eczema we can’t be sure. His Last Supper, which turned out to be His final meal on death row, was made famous by His crucifixion the following day. Ouch. Stabbed in the back/wrists/feet by his own best friend Judas (not Priest). Joke’s on the gentleman who handed down the execution, Pontius Pilate; you can’t wash your hands of His martyrdom.

The teachings of Jesus live on in Christianity today and his biography is the most read story in the world. Of course I haven’t written mine and this lady once dated a guy from The Bloodhound Gang so watch out Jesus. (Nice outfits boys but we didn’t come from monkeys, obviously)

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His life spawned many films including but not limited to “Jesus Christ Superstar,” “The Passion of the Christ,” “Godspell,” “The Last Temptation of Christ,” (which was scored by Peter Gabriel who I’m pretty certain could be the new Jesus), “What Would Jesus and/or Joan Jett Do?” “There Is No Me in Jesus,” and my favorite “That’s My Crossroads to Bear” starring Bone Thugs n’ Harmony and a hologram of Eazy-E.

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We can also find the word of Jesus in music, both modern and traditional.  Bands such as DC Talk have been sneaking the word of Christ into our hearts for many years.  In fact if you’re ever unsure about a song just listen for a few buzz words: Glory, Savior, Lifting…all basically indicate you’ve been Punk’d by Jesus, in a trucker hat probably.

But hey, if it works it works. I think I “read” somewhere that we should “sing unto the Lord” anyway. Maybe make Him some Bacon.

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He is survived by 7,089,995,245…246…247…okay you get the point, people on Earth and who knows maybe some aliens (you’re welcome Scientologists).

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As Christmas quickly approaches it’s easy to get caught up in the stress  of purchasing gifts, spending time with family, and of course going out to that shitty dive bar in your hometown on Christmas Eve to ensure you’re still more attractive and successful than everyone else (That’s What Jesus Would Do).  Let’s take a moment, even if religion is not your thing…Atheists, Agnostics, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Pagans, Wiccans, everyone…to remember the message of Jesus: Love one another .Simple, right? Oh and of course let’s not forget my favorite party trick…

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Happy Holidays!

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