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NYC Best Weekend Bets!
December 20, 2012 | 12:30PM

So I’m going to level with you, guys; the world is probably ending tomorrow. You’re like, “LOL, Megan, nuh-uh.” Ummm…yes, it’s true. I was able to ascertain this information from the severe lack of things going on this weekend (at least that are worth our time and/or money), which I can only chalk up to a post-apocalyptic situation. (Granted, you could also blame it on holiday travel, but I prefer my theory.) As such, here’s what IS happening this weekend, as told by Armageddon GIFs. HI BRUCE WILLIS!

THURSDAY

  • To kick off the beginning of the end of the world, we can hit up “The End of the World As We Know It” featuring Ghost Beach AND Penguin Prison, which is a solid lineup if we want to be played out of existence the right way.
  • OR for a mere $10, we can check out Dragons of Zynth w/ Ava Luna at Glasslands.
  • However, it’s no secret I’m a fan of free alcohol, so let’s head to Another Round Storytelling, where $5 gets us admission AND a complimentary cocktail.
  • And while it’s not technically free, there’ll be cheap spiked punch at this No Office Holiday Party, featuring all the things we’re not supposed to consume in good conscience!
  • Speaking of consumption, there’s a new bar opening today called The Third Man; between the cocktails and the food, the menu is pretty insane, so I vote we get our foot in the door now to ensure we obtain “regular” status.

  • Or we could kick things up a notch at Blowout Shelter where $25 gets us an all-night-long open bar, unlimited bacon-wrapped dates AND an emergency vodka station. Most excellent.
  • Of course, there’s also always the super non-denominational / non-nihilist / amazing I-have-an-awful-sweater contest that SHOULD be the most entertaining ever.
  • And because no one is trying to pay for drinks tonight, we should ALSO head to this open bar from 10-11pm.
  • What’s that, though? We’re STARVING due to the all that free booze and/or the world ending? Understandable, so let’s go to Whole Foods to learn all about chocolate truffles.
  • Too sweet? Well (fon)don’t do that, and instead (fon)DO THIS! (Fondue, guys. Fondue.)

FRIDAY

  • The Surfjohn Stevens Christmas Sing-A-Long Seasonal Affective Disorder Yuletide Disaster Pageant On Ice pretty much sounds like the best thing of all time, so let’s definitely make it a priority to snag tickets (just $20!) when they become available later this week.
  • Although if we’re unable to get spots to that one, we can feel good knowing that $10 will guarantee us a ticket to see Dum Dum Girls w/ Crocodiles at Glasslands tonight. Not a horrible way to spend the end of the world.
  • BUT, if we’re going down in fire and brimstone or whatever, I think we’d be best off doing it at this Bust Mag-curated night of music at the BK Night Bazaar, featuring Men (w/ JD Samson of Le Tigre), Azar Swan, Railbird, AND our buddy-amigos Silent Drape Runners. Plus there will allegedly be Roberta’s Pizza afoot. So go eat, drink and be buried!

  • Speaking of drinking, we can snag a “wintry drink,” (whatever that means) at this screening of vintage Christmas cartoons!
  • Better yet, though, let’s go be creeps and watch Christmas Evil at Videology tonight fo’ free.
  • And/or celebrate the end of the world in style at the Bowery Hotel, where there will be a variety of different entertainment options, including but not limited to FREE BOOZE for the first hour.

SATURDAY

  • If we missed out on Sufjan yesterday, and/or just really want to go again, we’ve got a second opportunity tonight, again for just $20.
  • But let’s be real; we’ll ALL be at this Little Top Circus and Medicine Show situation, where there’ll be “sermons, snake oil, magic, feats of strength, burlesque, geekery and jazz.” WHAT MORE COULD WE ASK FOR?!
  • “Well, we could ask for crafts, Megan.” True, in which case we should swing on by the second weekend of the BK Craft Holiday Market for all our last-minute shopping needs.
  • And while we’re around, let’s hit up the final BK Night Bazaar extravaganza, because if we don’t go, we will feel wistful next weekend or something.
  • How about coquito, though? “What is coquito, Megan?” Coquito is a Puerto Rican version of eggnog, and we can go taste it fo’ free tonight if we so choose…
  • “Eggnog? SICK.” I know, I know. Instead, let’s head to Wild Project for Conveyor Magazine’s evening of short films!

SUNDAY

  • We should really just probably skip Sunday altogether, because we’ll all have been destroyed anyways, right?! Well, if we somehow missed out on The Rapture, let’s take advantage of exhibits that are going to end soon. For example, we can head to the Queens Museum of Art for Ada Bobonis: Stages, Mountains and Water, which ends early in January.
  • Another one ending in early January is Chinese Gardens: Pavilions, Studios, Retreats at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
  • But maybe we’re more into Civil War shit, though, in which case we ought to hit up A Civil War Christmas at the New York Theatre Workshop!
  • We can also learn how Brooklyn children of yore had fun (and/or didn’t have fun) at Christmastime during Handiwork: Tasks and Crafts from the Past! (Because that’s what everyone feels like doing today…)
  • Speaking of fun shit, let’s head to the Hester Holiday Market for the Go-Bag Workshop, where we’ll “learn to create the ultimate disaster survival bag! Learn to pack everything you need to get through another hurricane or the zombie apocalypse.” (Thanks, guys, but I’m pretty sure we’ll all be dead by then…)
  • Speaking of uplifting, though, we’ve only got a handful of opportunities to check out the SMASH HIT play Let’s Kill Grandma This Christmas, so we should PROBABLY do that, right?!

OH MY GOD WHAT A FUN TIME GLAD WE’LL ALL BE ZOMBIE BAIT, LOL. Did I forget something that would make survival seem more worthwhile, though? Let me know all about it in the comments and/or on Twitter @BYTNYC.

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