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NYC Best Weekend Bets
August 15, 2013 | 9:00AM

GOOD DAY, SIRS AND/OR MADAMS! It is FINALLY the weekend again, and I hope your livers are fully recharged because we’ve got quite the lineup ahead of us. What’s that? Your livers are NOT fully recharged? Well, I will still urge you to read on for non-alcoholic options, but also because of the Lindsay Lohan GIFs, which will be plentiful because OPRAH!

Before we get into all of that, though, I would ALSO like to draw your attention to the fact that we will be hosting DOLLAR$TORE $HOPUP (a non-traditional spin on the mega-traditional dollar store concept) at Cannon’s Walk (207 Front Street) from 2-5pm this Sunday. Stop on by and TREAT YOSELF to some super-fantastic, super-affordable art, music, whatchamacallits and MORE.

Here we go, y’all:

THURSDAY

  • Let’s start things off on a fat kid note, shall we? We can grab some mother effing FREE GELATO for Ciao Bella’s 30th anniversary celebration, so let’s DO IT! RSVP here.
  • And HOLY EFFING EFF, we can also snag a ton of free Heineken AND free tequila AND free BBQ at the Non Denim Bottoms launch party! Email rsvp@community54.com to get on the list.
  • And after all that gelato, booze ‘n BBQ, we’re probably going to want to work off some calories. Maybe we should go get inspired at a free screening of Rocky at Brooklyn Bridge Park tonight! (You can’t hear it but I am humming “Eye of the Tiger” right now.)
  • Not your jam? North by Northwest is also screening this evening over in a magical, faraway land called QUEENS! Let’s go go go because #PLANES.

  • Or if you’d prefer to get extraterrestrial, we could also hit up the Film Forum for a screening of Alien, because who DOESN’T want to spend a Thursday evening in the on-screen company of Sigourney Weaver?!
  • We can also pop over to Mercury Lounge, where The Von Shakes, Empire Circus, Dorsia AND Lightouts will play a $12 show, which equals out to roughly $3 per band. #MATH
  • Then again, maybe you’re like me and you happen to enjoy instrumental music? If that’s the case, pop on by Glasslands for an evening with Phone Home, which will set you back $10.
  • Too pricey for your current pauper status? NO WORRIES! Huey Lewis & the News will play a FREE show at Coney Island tonight as part of the Seaside Summer Concert Series!
  • I think we should all just head over to the Bowery Electric, though, ’cause Har Mar Superstar will play a show with Heloise and the Savoir Faire AND Sky White Tiger for just $14 in advance.

FRIDAY

  • You’re going to have to get up HELLA EARLY this morning if you want to take advantage of a FREE Macklemore & Ryan Lewis show in Central Park, brought to you by Good Morning America.
  • And it’s not TECHNICALLY free, but we’d count $5 as a drop in the bucket for an evening filled with ROBYN EVERYTHING! That’s right, This Party Is Killing You is BACK tonight at Glasslands. #AMAZING
  • But hold the mother effing phone, ’cause there’s also a free screening of SPACE JAM happening at J. Hood Wright Recreation Center. I don’t even know where that is, BUT WE’RE GOING.
  • UNLESS we’re over at Pier 46 for a screening of Beetlejuice instead, which is highly likely considering that’s also a free option this evening…
  • Before we commit to either of the previous two screenings, though, let’s just take in how amazing it is that the Film Forum will host a double-feature of the original Japanese versions of Godzilla and Mothra. #INCREDIBLE

  • Then again, I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t think of a single better way to spend a Friday evening than in Canandaigua with Papa Roach
  • Oh WAIT, yes I can! Apart from LITERALLY ANYTHING, I would also vote that a $20 show by Medicine at Music Hall of Williamsburg completely blows that last thing out of the water.
  • OR for just $8 more, we could also pop over to Cake Shop for a show by Field Mouse, Desert Stars and MORE, aka a seriously fantastic value.
  • But HOLD THE PHONE, ’cause Anamanaguchi will play Webster Hall tonight alongside Ghost Beach, thus making all of our wildest 8-bit dreams come true for $15!
  • Wait wait wait, though…are you feeling like a teenage dirtbag? Because I am feeling like a teenage dirtbag, which makes it EVEN BETTER that mother effing WHEATUS will play a mere $14 show at Santos Party House tonight. Like, what?!

SATURDAY

  • Hello, hangover! Let’s rally, though, ’cause PS1 is playing host to an EXCELLENT lineup today, featuring King Britt, Mr. MFN eXquire and MORE, meaning Long Island City HERE WE COME!
  • Can’t get your shit together that quickly? No worries! We’ve also got Octopus Project and Snuffleuffagus playing for just $10 at Mercury Lounge this evening, too!
  • SPEAKING of Mercury Lounge, I vote we stick around for a very worthwhile Drowners show, too! The guys are back in town and playing a $10 show alongside Bad Girlfriend, so let’s go go go.
  • Then again, if you’re looking to dance your face off, you MIGHT want to zip around the corner to the Bowery Ballroom, where Escort and Midnight Magic will be playing an $18 show tonight.
  • OR if you’re willing to head a little further, (le) poisson rouge is playing host to oOoOO and Mystery Skulls this evening for a reasonable $12.

  • Not into Manhattan? UNDERSTANDABLE! So let’s keep things in Brooklyn this evening, where $10 will get us into a late-night Them Jeans show at Glasslands!
  • Too pricey? Grab advance tickets to catch Adios Ghost over at Cameo Gallery instead, which will only cost you $8! #MEGAVALUE
  • HOWEVER, I think we should also consider bopping up to Central Park for a FREE Twin Shadow / Autre Ne Veut show from 7-10pm. INCREDIBLE lineup, guys. Incredible.
  • BUT, let’s not forget that Beverly Hills Chihuahua, aka one of the greatest cinematic works of our time, is also screening for free on Staten Island tonight, too, which could be well worth the horrific journey!
  • Speaking of horrific journeys, we could just keep things local at the Film Forum, where they are KILLIN’ IT with the double-feature game this weekend; today we’ve got Psycho AND Peeping Tom on deck!

SUNDAY

  • SUNDAY! Let’s hit up Governor’s Island for day two of the Jazz Age Lawn Party, which will be rad because it is the closest thing to time travel that exists!
  • Just kidding, we’re hungover, so let’s hibernate all day long and emerge at roughly 8:30pm; The Mast will be playing a $10 show at Glasslands alongside Nitemoves, and IT WILL BE GOOD.
  • DOUBLE just kidding, because our hangovers will have subsided enough for us all to hang out and eat food at Smorgasbar whilst perusing the best dollar store of all time, featuring art, music, custom poetry and MORE at the South Street Seaport.
  • Prior to that, we could also hit up Hotel Chantelle for some jazz tunes AND some delicious brunch, featuring the best and most important deal ever, aka $0.92 cocktails with our meal! (No, that is not a typo. NINETY-TWO EFFING CENTS!)

  • OR we could also just swing by the W Hotel for this week’s edition of W Gangs of New York, featuring Goldroom (one of our very favorites) AND a special guest. #MYSTERIOUS
  • Any Breaking Bad fans out there, though? I’d be willing to bet there ARE, and that (like me) they lack in-home televisions. SO, let’s take advantage of a free screening of tonight’s episode over at Union Hall.
  • Personally I vote we hit up Habana Outpost for a fabulous evening of street corn and a free screening of Grease, because everyone effing loves Grease. EVERYONE.
  • Except JUST KIDDING, ’cause we’re going to have to be in front of a television that receives OWN, because our favorite person on the planet, aka Oprah, is interviewing our OTHER favorite person on the planet, aka Lindsay Lohan, which is who sponsored this Best Weekend Bets post in the FIRST PLACE.

WOW, SO MUCH STUFF! If I forgot to include something MEGA-IMPORTANTE (that was Spanish for MEGA-IMPORTANT), please feel free to internet-berate me in the comments and/or on Twitter. BYE!

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