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NYC Best Weekend Bets!
September 13, 2012 | 12:30PM

I hope everyone holds off on the cheeseburgers and $0.99 slices tonight, because starting tomorrow, you will pretty much be stuffing your face the ENTIRE weekend. I mean, I already like to point you in the direction of the all-you-can-eat buffet as a general rule, but this weekend has an EXTRA-high percentage of food-related events, to the point that my chosen GIF theme is people talking about and/or eating food. While it’s just a theory, I would attribute the influx of eating events to our wistful farewell to #NYFW. Regardless, though, please find the nearest pair of pants with an elastic waist, and LET’S GET GOING!

THURSDAY

  • Because I promised you a weekend full of calories, it wouldn’t be very fair of me not to kick off today with some supporting evidence. SO, we will go find this truck and receive free ice cream from people from Ohio, and we will not ask any questions about it, okay? OKAY? And then, provided we don’t die, we will go back tomorrow and Saturday until there is no more free ice cream left.

  • Next, we will go find the free alcohol. Because once you receive one free thing, it’s hard to accept having to pay for anything ever again. (At least for a few hours, anyway.) First, let’s head to GoldBar, where we will pretend to be interested in the musical stylings of DJ Ruckus, but really we will just be enjoying the free Svedka.
  • Then, we’ll swing by the Burton Flagship Store for the screening of a movie called 13, which I’m fairly positive is about snowboarding but am too lazy to Google. There will be free food and drinks available for guests, all of whom have to be 21+; this leads me to believe that the complimentary beverages will be of the alcoholic variety, although with a sponsor like Mountain Dew, anything is possible.
  • Okay, let’s stop drinking now and do some other stuff, because we have to work tomorrow or something. How about a free reading by Hampton Francher (the original screenwriter of Blade Runner) at Book Court?

FRIDAY

  • As usual, we are SO HUNGRY after work, and also wishing there were SOME WAY we could give back to the community while we eat cheeseburgers. Well, we’re all in luck, because there’s a Ruff-top BBQ Fundraiser for Animal Haven in Long Island City tonight. (PS, “Ruff-top” means “rooftop,” but cuter.) Here is what we can expect to devour after forking over our $20 suggested donation: “Kimchi hotdogs, beer, burgers, corn, cookies, beer, guac, bacon, veggies, and beer for everyone. Did we mention beer?” Yes, you did mention beer, and we are so glad you did!
  • But sometimes we are allergic to dogs and cats and sunlight, so instead, we will go vanquish our hunger at this really creepy Dark Dining event, where we will be blindfolded while we eat! And it will be like that time in Chelsea Handler’s book or something!

  • Then we will have to wait at least thirty minutes for the food to digest before heading to the Last Splash, mostly so that we don’t drown and look TOTALLY lame in front of all the cool people. Fortunately the rulebook says nothing about waiting an allotted period of time after consuming alcohol, though, so let’s pound a bunch of free Reyka cocktails between 7 and 8pm and have a cannonball contest!
  • “That sounds dangerous, Megan.” Well clearly you can’t hang, so I vote you go spend your evening in solitude and darkness at the Moonrise International Film Festival. First, check out the short film program, and then watch hour-long The Sound of Crickets At Night, only to slowly realize the plot basically seems like a ripoff of Whale Rider, minus the whales and minus New Zealand, and possibly plus the sound of crickets at night.
  • “Cricket sounds are the worst, Megan.” My GOD you are hard to please, buzzkill! Well, hopefully you like the sounds of Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti, then, because I’m going to send you to Webster Hall for a live show, along with bonus acts BODYGUARD and TEEN.
  • But I see you’re still lingering around here, so if that last thing wasn’t to your liking, then check out Clare and the Reasons and DeVotchKa tonight at Bowery Ballroom. NOW BEAT IT!

SATURDAY

  • Okay, so here is where the eating gets really serious. I want you to take a deep, hungover breath, and then head to The Farm on Adderleys Pig Roast w/ Lagunitas; they’ll be roasting a whole 150 lbs of pig, which will cook for 14 hours, and which will then end up in your stomach alongside SO MUCH BEER.
  • Not into pork? Not a problem. Instead, head to the beautiful, sprawling paradise known as Bushwick and get your fill of burgers and dogs (of the meat AND veggie varieties) for $7 at End-of-Summer BBQ with Bat Haus and the Brainery. It’s BYOB, so you can control how much you spend and how much you drink, plus there’ll be a board game tournament, which just sounds like the best low-budget situation EVER.
  • But MAYBE, just maybe, you like to engage in physical activity while you stuff your face. In which case I’d recommend this 2012 NYC Pizza Run, which is basically just what it sounds like; you’ll complete a 2.25 mile course, stopping for pizza slices at designated checkpoints. Semi-ironically, part of the proceeds of this event will go toward the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, so you can feel even better about cramming pizza down your throat in public!

  • OR, take a slower pace with this walking tour of Lower East Side, Chinatown and East Village delicacies! Chef Deven DeMarco (who is a GENIUS, because he’ll be charging you $75 to show you where the best $1 dumplings and $0.80 pork buns are) will be leading this tour. (See also: save your pennies and head to Prosperity Dumpling, Mei Li Wah and Golden Steamer instead. And NOT Vanessa’s for dumplings! Only the sesame pancakes are worth it there!)
  • Not into budget Chinese food? Maybe head to the 2012 NYC Vendy Awards at Governors Island instead. You’ll get to taste-test the best of the best in food vendor concoctions, plus the beer and wine will be FLOWING. Which is super critical, obviously.
  • And now that we’re onto the alcoholic times, let’s keep it going at Freaktoberfest, which is like Oktoberfest but freakier (or so I would imagine) and is happening at Greenwood Park Beer Garden. For $60 you will be able to drink beer ALL DAY, plus listen to music, watch a burlesque show AND be entertained by sideshow freaks.

  • If you were scarred for life by the 1932 movie Freaks (which you were forced to watch in Film Aesthetics and Analysis; THANKS A LOT, LIBERAL ARTS EDUCATION), then you will probably want to avoid that last thing. Instead, let’s go to what is heralded as the “German-American event of the year!” (aka the Steuben Parade) where we can celebrate beer and pretzels and lederhosen.
  • Or, in what I assume is truly the German spirit, let’s go drink alcohol for free! First, let’s go to Heineken’s presentation of Wiz Khalifa, Wale, Q-Tip and DJ Clark Kent, where we will enjoy free music AND free beer.

  • OR, rather than drinking without a cause, let’s go support local shelter B.A.R.C. at this French Bulldog Party! Sponsored by Bulldog Gin, there will be cocktails and snacks available, AND there will be French Bulldogs GALORE. In fact, if you BRING a French Bulldog, you will only have to pay half of the $10 admission. (So I guess we better get our dog nappin’ gloves on, because that extra $5 could go towards really important things, like a Subway Footlong!)
  • Did you just go, “French Bulldogs have really cute ears and all, but what about MY really cute ears?” First, ears are never cute, so just take all that back. Second, you can go fill your non-cute ears with music at several locations tonight, the first being Webster Hall for Thrill Jockey’s 20th Anniversary, featuring Tortoise, Future Islands and Matmos.
  • There’s also a free Green Day performance at Irving Plaza, but be forewarned; according to the flier, only SERIOUS fans are welcome, which I assume equates to a lot of creepy people.

SUNDAY

  • Hey remember that time yesterday when we ate 150 lbs of pig? Well let’s do it ALL OVER AGAIN today for the closing night of the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival! There will be an afterparty that features a pig roast by Urban Rustic, plus unspecified drink specials. MYSTERIOUS!
  • Or, if you STILL aren’t into eating pigs (all 24 hours later), let’s hit up the latest edition of the Food Truck Rally at Grand Army Plaza; you’ll find a zillion (read: multiple) menu options to suit your dietary needs, all in ONE convenient location!
  • Maybe you prefer to get your day going right with nutritionally-fortified Pop-Tarts, though, in which case you should head to The Crazy Good Summer concert with Allstar Weekend and Gym Class Heroes at Irving Plaza. You can check out the Pop-Tarts Facebook page for more info, and/or to find out if you have any Facebook friends who “like” Pop-Tarts; I have two, and one’s name is CRUZ RESENDIZ. (Hi Cr00zy!)

  • Or maybe you’re like me and you don’t have a toaster, which makes eating Pop-Tarts not as good as if you did have a toaster. Let’s instead shift our focus to CORN for this Kings County Corn Bowl. “What is a Kings County Corn Bowl, Megan?” Well, I will tell you. It is a corn cookoff at TBD in Brooklyn, aka the GREATEST THING EVER. You’ll get to taste twelve renditions on corn dishes, PLUS eat chicken & waffle cones. There’ll also be a cornhole tournament, which is the sport of redneck kings.
  • “Won’t corn get stuck in my teeth, though, Megan?” Probably, and I’m guessing that bothers you. SO, rather than suggest an outlandish thing like bringing some floss or toothpicks along, I’ll just send you to the Robataya Indian-Summer Festival instead. $60 gets you a peek at what a real Japanese summer matsuri-festival is like, complete with snacks like takoyaki and yakitori, PLUS complimentary Sapporo. Although, please note they state this disclaimer: “We aim to create an enjoyable and safe experience for all of our guests so we will serve a few rounds, but it is not an unlimited party.” WOMP WOMP.

  • Not into eating foods you can’t pronounce? Head to The Homestead’s Farm Brunch, which will feature artisan cheese sandwiches, a fall produce salad and BUBBLY. (PS there is no disclaimer about when the party is over for this one. FACEBOOK-LIKE!)
  • But maybe we should try to be a little more active while we ingest thousands of calories today, in which case let’s grab our bikes and head back to Grand Army Plaza; from there we’ll embark on a free bike and walking tour of Chinatown, where we’ll eat SO MUCH stuff and feel okay about it, partly because we’re learning, but mostly because we’re moving around or whatever.
  • Then, just for good measure, let’s go dance off whatever calories remain at Le Bain, where Dr. Dunks and DJ Kaos will motivate us with music. “But what about my BRAIN, Megan. What about him?” Well, here is an interview with DJ Kaos your brain can read and then think about later while your body is having so much fun dancing.

Now that we are three hundred pounds heavier, we can finally relate to that age-old saying “fat and happy.” At least I hope we can…if YOU can’t, tell me why in the comments section, and/or tweet it to @BYTNYC (unless you now have hotdog fingers like Homer did that one time on The Simpsons where he got to work from home for being too large and in charge.) #WHERESTHEANYKEY

One for the road:

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