Greetings and salutations! I’ve had like seventeen cups of coffee today, which has been really helpful for writing up your Best Weekend Bets; sometimes overdosing on caffeine gives me the rare ability to see into the future, and in the case of this weekend, things are looking very bright indeed. Even if they weren’t, though, these Robyn GIFs would most definitely fool you into thinking they were!

So why Robyn? Pffffffft. Why NOT Robyn? Okay, well it’s actually mostly because there’s an awesome party happening this weekend that’s all Robyn EVERYTHING. I’d tell you when it’s happening so you could read all about it quickly and easily and move on with your life today, but instead I am going to force you to read all the stuff that comes before that part. So sit back, relax, and get ready to strain your eyes some more!

THURSDAY (mostly) TOTALLY FREE TIMES

• I am going to get the not free things out of the way first. So, let’s kick non-free Thursday off with the most expensive thing on the agenda, which is this B-52s concert. But you will go regardless, because you just want to hear them sing that “bang bang on the door” part like a million times, as opposed to getting more bang bang for your buck.

• No, no I said B-52s, not B-Fifty-Booze. But since you’ve already brought up alcohol, this Gowanus Print Lab class sounds right up your alley! The official name is Pints n’ Prints, which is basically just a fancy way of saying drunk drawing. See also: you can drink beer while making art for $15. They say to bring things like pastels and crayons, but they forgot to include “a high tolerance for alcohol” on the list, so maybe bring one of those, too.

• Think you can scrounge up $5 to go see Q-Tip’s DJ Set at Brooklyn Bowl? No? Well all you have to do is find a girl about to order this month’s $5 Footlong at Subway and tell her she’s about to ingest 780 calories. Then tell her you are saving her from herself, and confiscate that $5 bill. Everyone wins! Well, everyone except for Subway I guess.

• Okay now time for all the FREE things! First off, there is this thing called City Chicken Institute Beginner’s Workshop, in which you will finally get to learn all about raising chickens in an urban landscape! (I might actually attend this, because I want to get to the bottom of why the communal “chicken” coop near my apartment is filled only with roosters. Whatever the reason is, it cannot be good.)

• Think learning is lame in all contexts? Well, you’d be right. So why not ruin your hearing, making it harder to learn anything ever again? You can take advantage of free hearing damage at either the Grimes / Wild Nothing / DIIV concert at Pier 84 or the Joan Jett and the Blackhearts show at Coney Island.

• Want a side of beer with your music? Of course you do! So go to DROM for the 3rd Annual StarCity Life Day, during which there will be free Heineken from 11-12. Theophilus London is listed as a special guest, along with numerous DJs and performances, including one by Mr. Muthafuckin’ Exquire, who once asked me if I ever get “cry” drunk. And I said yes, yes I do.

• For more free booze, head to Vibrations at the Hudson Terrace at 10pm to see Fake Blood and take advantage of an hour-long open bar. Or, drop on by another Vice x Westway Summer Fling, where they’ll fill your head with vodka and crazy ideas about sex or something.

• Why yes, I DID save the best thing for last, and that would be this month’s edition of Macaulay Culkin’s iPod at Le Poisson Rouge. What is this, you ask? It’s exactly what it sounds like, ya big horse’s ass! (Sorry, that was the Kevin McCallister in me speaking.) Basically Macaulay plugs in his iPod and then walks around while being stared at like an exotic bird. Yes, an exotic, bearded bird who also coincidentally sounds like Pee-wee Herman. It’s the most fun ever and I am going so SEE YOU THERE.

FRIDAY

• Fridays are awesome because most people are too excited about the weekend to notice if you’re being productive and/or 100% sober. Which is especially great, because Flavorpill is presenting us with an incredible opportunity to bunk off work from 1-2pm for the next three Fridays in a row. They say they’ll be giving us free food, free music, and free vodka, all of which should help you feel better about things like Excel and fax machines.

• I bet you’re glad I got the ball rolling on free things, yeah? Well GOOD because I’m not done yet. How about some free art? Mishka will be featuring the work of Numskull (whose parents are probably the coolest since they named him Numskull) in a show called Dance Like A Video, Sting Like A GIF. Go and look at it.

• Okay, more free things. Next up is Little Dragon / Frankie Rose / Voices of Black at the Prospect Park Bandshell for all of zero dollars. There’s also a Little Dragon DJ Set at Glasslands later which is not so free, but if you really like this tiniest of dragons, you won’t mind the $10 price tag.

• Are you a raging alcoholic who could care less about free events if they don’t involve free booze? Well why didn’t you say so? I will be an enabler by telling you that SeatGeek is having a happy hour complete with free drinks. While the invite seems to imply it would be nice if you actually knew someone who worked there, there is nothing that explicitly states that total strangers with substance abuse problems AREN’T welcome. So use that permanent state of liquid courage to get your drink on free of charge! A very happy hour indeed. (But in all seriousness, you can check out SeatGeek for all your future ticket search needs. Then we won’t even have to tell you about things anymore!)

• If you don’t get arrested for trespassing at SeatGeek’s happy hour, you might be tired of being a social butterfly and want to go do some stuff that doesn’t involve speaking to other people. In which case, you’re very much in luck, because right now you can choose your own non-verbal adventure! 1) Movies, or 2) Dancing, which is it going to be?

1. You chose movies! In which case you will go to the Art of Brooklyn Film Festival’s “Brooklyn Laughs” and presumably laugh a lot in Brooklyn. You can also watch their screening of My Life As Abraham Lincoln, which is not actually about Abraham Lincoln I don’t think, but will probably be good anyway.
2. You chose dancing! In which case you have several options. First, you can go to littlefield for The Midas Touch: An Olympics Dance Party and dance all night long. Plus, they’re having some athletic competitions where the prizes include cookies and Crunch gym guest passes! Counter-intuitive! Next, there’s the Cruel Summer 80s Dance Party at the Bell House. Even if you don’t go, just having read that event name will burn Bananarama’s synth xylophone into your skull for the rest of the day. Sorry I’m not sorry. Okay and finally, provided you are wearing trendy-enough clothes, you can go dance at Webster Hall courtesy of Buraka Som Sistema.

• Hey that was kind of semi-fun! Do you know what else is really fun? Listening to “Don’t Stop Believin’” at a bar, according to every drunk American ever. So if it’s a known fact, then just go get loaded and check out Journey AND Pat Benatar live at Jones Beach tonight. SOLID.

SATURDAY IS WHERE IT’S AT(URDAY).

• First things first, let’s head to Fort Greene for The Stoop, which is, allegedly, a celebration of art, music and life. I would like to celebrate all of those things and I bet you would too, but if you still need convincing, here are other keywords from the flier: “hula hoops” “obstacle course” and “Hip-Hop Jeopardy.” You need even MORE convincing? Well how about you go just to witness the gang of raccoons that is terrorizing and/or taking over Fort Greene!

• Are you so hungry, though? Like, hungry-hungry, so you’d eat anything really? Well good, because I don’t really know what they are going to serve at this Paleta BBQ, although the title would imply both popsicles and some type of barbecued foodstuffs will be present. The party is self-described as a “daytime tropical smasher”, which, I don’t know what that means, but I think it just took the gold medal at the X Games.

• Assuming I was correct about the above event serving so much food, you might be really tired now and just want to watch a movie. If that’s the case, go to the Rooftop Films screening of Detropia, which will make you really glad you don’t live in Detroit. Like even gladder than you already probably were.

• Hey how about some music, yeah? Okay! You can check out Real Estate at Webster Hall for $20, or you can see St. Lucia / Big Black Delta / Capital Cities for half the price at Brooklyn Bowl. THE CHOICE IS YOURS, WALLETS.

• Speaking of wallets, is yours about to go lie down in the bus lane because it’s totally empty? Well DON’T LET IT! You guys can go to Coney Island to see The Jacksons perform FOR FREE! (And this is where everyone mumbles something like, “Yeah, well unless Janet, La Toya or ghost-Michael are going to be there, it had BETTER be free.” And I will just pretend I didn’t hear you.)

• If you think New Jersey is where people go to die, you’re wrong. It’s where they go to DIE TRYING! More specifically, to die trying to win the Beer Olympics. Teams will compete in the sport of redneck kings all day long, presumably to prove that with the right level of intoxication, New Jersey can be GREAT.

• Again, I have saved the best for last. And that, my friends, would be THIS PARTY IS KILLING YOU: A NIGHT OF ROBYN EVERYTHING. Let me just take a moment to say I would go anywhere and do anything so long as it was Robyn-themed. If my dentist was Robyn-themed, I would brush my teeth with Pixy Stix just for an excuse to get a root canal there. If the DMV was Robyn-themed, I would gladly wait on line for days, maybe even weeks. So THIS PARTY, which takes place AT A BAR, is already on a borderline-paradise level. What sends it over the edge? A “Robyn-izing DIY photo booth, a ‘Call Your Girlfriend’ dance-off, and a ‘party pants’ costume contest.” And the totally unnecessary two-part cherry on top? 1) COMPLETELY FREE ADMISSION, and 2) COMPLETELY FREE VODKA FOR THE FIRST HALF HOUR. Like, what? I can’t even…I mean…just…SEE YOU THERE.

SUNDAY

• “Burger or pancakes?” This is a question I grapple with every single Sunday brunch. Well, every Sunday brunch except for this one, because the universe decided to create Burger Blitz, where $55 gets you: 1) unlimited trips to ALL food stations, whatever that means, 2) unlimited Blue Moon, 3) unlimited tastings of Jack Daniel’s, and/or 4) a heart attack. (The pros very clearly outweigh the risk of death.)

• You don’t have $55? Cool, me neither! Why don’t we go to this New York Magazine pool party instead, where all the things (including the rum) are FREE! The official name of the pool party is Pool Party, which might be hard for you to remember, but just try, okay? And RSVP to events@nymag.com so we can swim and form drunk friendships.

• What? You can’t swim? Well that’s a total bummer, but you know what you CAN do? CAN. That’s right, you can can. But seriously though, after you take this $20 workshop, you can can jam.

• But then again, maybe jam’s not your jam. Instead, why not try your hand at bartending? Learn the business of booze at má pêche, where they’ll teach you how to get people drunk like a true professional for $75.

• If you’re like me, you could care less about getting other people drunk, so why not focus on Y-O-U today? L’Oréal said you were worth it, so ACT LIKE IT and head to the Olympic Food Truck & Beer Festival at the South Street Seaport where you can indulge the beer bulge.

• Alright, you’re watching your weight, I get it. So here’s an idea: go to Wilbur Days at Rockaway Beach where you can burn calories WHILE you consume them. All you have to do is dance your face off while you eat things like pizza and ice cream and tacos and arepas and lobster. It will be just like you’re eating really delicious air! PERFECT.

• Can’t dance? Allergic to shellfish? Other problematic scenarios? Well skip that last thing and go to the 2012 Beatboxing Championships at Le Poisson Rouge instead. Fact: everyone likes beatboxing. EVERYONE.

• Do you know what else everyone loves? The music of Gil Scott-Heron. If you just said, “No they don’t,” I will PRETEND you did not just Internet-utter that disrespectful bullshit, and instead I will tell you to go to the Damrosch Park Bandshell for An All-Star Gathering for Gil Scott-Heron ft. Aloe Blacc / Swamp Dogg tonight. It’s free and awesome and I will not take no for an answer.

LEAVE US COMMENTS WITH THINGS YOU THINK WE MAY HAVE (not on purpose) MISSED. And remember: if you have tips, an event you want to let us know about or would like to get involved with BYT NYC, shoot us an email at: info@brightestyoungthings.com with #BYTNYC in the title. See you around and all the time.

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