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In Defense of Snake Eyes, AKA (Re) Watching Snake Eyes For The First Time
January 7, 2014 | 1:30PM

By Diana Metzger

Thank you, Nic Cage. In 8th grade, your movie Snake Eyes enabled my friend (we’ll call her Angela) and I to sneak over to Angela’s boyfriend’s house so they could have sex and I could sit on the couch in his living room, saddled with his dopey friend (We’ll call him Dopey).

Nicky, can I call you Nicky? Well, you might ask how your love letter to Atlantic City gave me and Angela such a thrilling Friday night? Let me tell you…

We never actually saw Snake Eyes. Her mother thought we did. We told her we were attending your cinematic triumph at the hot middle school hangout—the Bethesda UA movie theatre (now the Bethesda Regal), when really her daughter was going to have sex way too young and her daughter’s friend was going to watch Beavis and Butthead in the other room while fending off Dopey’s pawing. Why Snake Eyes as our great cover? Not sure, it was my choice. I had great taste in middle school movie attending ideas: I though Amistad would make a great first date flick with my 7th grade crush. What can I say, I like Anthony Hopkins.

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This is one of the creepiest, most confusing taglines for any movie

Can I first thank you again for your contribution to my then friend’s lost virginity. Can I next apologize for using you? To make it up to you, I decided as a birthday present to you, that I’d watch Snake Eyes as my gift to you. Here are my observations as I watch the movie through my 1998, middle school girl-channeling eyes:

  • Look it’s that guy from Big and Beaches. He’s so dreamy. Can I watch Beaches instead?
  • The way that Nic Cage says “baby” is simultaneously creepy and attractive (8th grade Diana, this observation will scar your dating life for at least 15 years).
  • A note from 2014 to 1998: Find out what fountain of youth Luis Guzman drinks from because the man doesn’t age.

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  • It’s Lieutenant Dan! He’s so cute with working legs!
  • Is Cage going to talk like a cocaine junkie used car salesman this whole movie? (8th grade Diana, I’m going to say “yes” and “he’ll do that the rest of his career and make a fortune off it”)
  • Cage just imitated Austin Powers…so cool!
  • That guy’s cell phone is a brick, that guy’s cell phone is gold…what’s a cell phone?
  • Why is the Secretary of Defense front row at a boxing match with only Lieutenant Dan protecting him?

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  • Umm…I’m bored. I’m going to go watch “Empire Records” for the 28th time.

Happy Birthday Mr. Cage!

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