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Hey DC, I’m The Coolest!
August 30, 2013 | 2:30PM

Today I read that Destination DC will spend 3 million dollars on a campaign to make the city seem cool to tourists.

Well, I won’t waste your time Destination DC, I am the coolest person in DC and I am thrilled to hear about your campaign! Believe me I’ve been on the ground floor of this issue for years. But let me save you some grief. Just give ME the 3 million and sit back in your leather chair while I plug my iPhone 5 into the iHome and get this party started.

Cue “Blurred Lines.”

Maybe you’re not sold. Well you’ve poignantly identified the five pillars of hip. I’ve been going by a system of 37 pillars of hip, but you’re a big tourism group so of course your system is more concise. Your five pillars are: “bold, original, unique, dramatic and inspiring.”

Let me show you MY DC:

Bold
I’m like the Guy Fieri of DC, that’s how bold I am. You know Instagram? I took the first selfie, ever. No joke. I was sitting there like, nothing I’m looking at right now is very picturesque, wait what’s this camera icon, lemme push this, WHA WHA WHA wow, now that’s a photograph baby!

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Original
Look I’ve always said be nothing BUT original. Which is why I strictly do not dance ever. Your tourists need to understand this, so we get celebs to come and be seen and photographed all while very decidedly NOT dancing. All the hipsters too, and believe me I know all of them. I send one text and its like whooooaa where am I, Virgin Free Fest?

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Unique
Great word! It is so descriptive. My other favorite word is “special.” The trick to being unique is to not be regular, or ordinary. So we make the city bus drivers give the peace sign when a passenger gets on. It’s like our thing, you know! They’ll be like, oh that’s just this city’s vibe man!

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Dramatic
OK, stay with me now. What is the most dramatic style of hanging out… It’s religion. We gotta bring religion into this thing, trust me. It’s got flare, it’s got that certain je ne sais quoi that those filthy rich tourists will just line up for. I’m talking religion everywhere, on our street signs, on our money (we should print our own money btw, tres cool).
They’ll really take away a sense of their own mortality when they visit DC and ask the burning, literally burning, question: what will happen to me after this life? That’s too hip.

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Inspiring
Would you say Moombaton is inspiring? Well, Dave Nada is my emergency contact at my job, so I think I can swing this one. Nothing is more inspiring to totally unhip tourists than the prospect that maybe, just maybe, they could be accepted into our little slice of detached and soul-less materialism and emotionally void consumption, so that they too could bask in the falseness of pseudo-celebrity and bully culture. So we stage a party, or what seems like a party, in a big warehouse and a muffled beat pulses through the walls, so one would assume there’s a real banger going on in there. The line will be miles long, it will be almost hopeless. The spotlights are waving, as very slowly the masses march toward what they think is going to be the time of their life– but once they are finally through the door, it will be a vast empty room, and they will understand at once that this thing they wanted so badly isn’t real, and that their time has been wasted trying to buy it.

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That’s what it’s all about guys! Take it from me, I am the coolest.

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Recent Comments:
  • Anonymous says:

    Bucket, screw the haters. Live in your own reality. Which is clearly miles and miles away from the reality everyone else lives in.

  • Anonymous says:

    I just posted this on a friends’ wall who works for destination DC, realized how shitty the article was and sheepishly deleted it. How do you guys not go for the funny / easy article about how uncool this city inherantly is? REVEL IN OUR UNHIPNESS.

  • Anonymous says:

    notttttttttttttttttt funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

  • Anonymous says:

    …and BYT has officially “jumped the shark”

  • Anonymous says:

    If anyone knows how to masturbate while writing about themselves it’s this guy.

  • Anonymous says:

    moombahton*

  • Anonymous says:

    Well, that backfired.

  • Anonymous says:

    I heard Andrew Bucket was going to play the Penguin in the new Batman. He’d be great.

  • mark kaplov says:

    Andrew Bucket don’t fuck it.

  • Anonymous says:

    Apparently, he does open mic stand up. They don’t just let anyone do that, so he must be hilarious.

  • Anonymous says:

    Oh you mean the Andrew Bucket that tried to rape my roommate?

  • Anonymous says:

    Guys, stop hating. He’s just making us look amazing to the girls. Let it happen.

  • Anonymous says:

    Inspiring.

  • Anonymous says:

    Ya ok, I think I’m done with BYT now.

  • Anonymous says:

    Andrew Bucket allegedly forces himself on women according to multiple women around DC.

  • Anonymous says:

    Andrew Bucket is a fat idiot

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow. Just wow. Why does this post even exist? I just can’t.