You know how when you watch Community, you sit there and think… “I could totally be friends with these guys”? Well, now you can try your best to weasel your way into the Greendale Seven when Childish Gambino aka Donald Glover aka Troy Barnes comes (BACK!) to the D.C. area, to play a gig on Saturday, June 23rd at Pier Six Pavilion! (Tickets are still available here)
But we at BYT are making these magical dreams even more of a reality, by offering up a one-time-only chance to meet/greet/geek out with the Gambino himself before the show, plus two tickets (one for you, one for a totally-worthy friend). All you’ve got to do is tell us your foolproof method for getting Pierce/Britta/Annie/Jeff/Abed/Shirley kicked out of the group so you can rightfully take their place.
Personally I’d engage Britta in a discussion on Existentialism (I was a philosophy major after all), all while highlighting several of my past horrible relationship choices and how they have made me a better version of her. Naturally she will either throw her hands up in defeat or bow down and proclaim me far more screwed up. Either way, her place in the gang? Totally mine.
Now it’s your turn. Winner will be selected by Wednesday, June 20th. Use a real email address when you comment.
I would tell Abed that there’s an open casting call for the new Inspector Spacetime movie and jump in his place when he flies out to try out.
I would carve out some home-made stigmata and challenge Shirley to a prayer-off, speaking in tongues and doing my best church lady jig. She would be forced to admit that I am holier than her… win
I would convince Pierce’s father to come back from the grave and promise Pierce a great fortune if he agrees to go work for him at his new company in hell. Then I would take his place because Pierce can’t refuse money.
I’d call NBC, and request a meeting with their top executive. They comply without question, of course, and we schedule our very important, serious, meeting. I arrive at the generic coffee shop a bit late to let him know I’m a big deal. Writer/waiters are busy typing away their next great screenplays. Waiter/writers serve myself and the NBC executive a coffee/tea/hemp fusion blend. I tell the exec. that audiences don’t think Pierce’s old grandpa style of obvious, broad, racism is hip. The exec. is on the edge of his seat, since this is an opinion he has never heard in his entire life, and he knows that a 23 year old male from Maryland knows more about what’s “hip” than he does. That’s when I tell him that for Community to stay hip (LONG LIVE DAN HARMON) they need a young, sexy, racist with facial hair instead. After a nanosecond of deep thought, and seeing me order a second beverage on his tab LIKE A BOSS, he instantly knows I’m on to something. Two phone calls later, Pierce is out, I’m in, and it’s nothing but young, sexy, bearded racism from here on out.
#sixseasonsandamovie
Teaming up with Changlorious Bastards and the Dean to stage a Dictator Aladeen style jihad, you know, because we’re the racist provers!
bonus: he needs to meet me because he actually mentions Persians in one of his raps, true blue fan, loved him since day 1, from L.E.S lyrics:
We could pretend if you want to, like
We in love and started datin’ at your art school
Cause either way we both lyin’ more than half of the time
Except for when I’m home workin’ on your graphic design
Every time we see each other I’m takin’ you home
Our relationship has gotten Sylvester Stalone
Yellow-911-Persian-girl-in-the-back car
I would steal Pierce’s old people medication and slip it into Abed’s food. Two birds with one stone.
Stepping out of the dreamatorium, I punchkick my way into the study group when I infiltrate the Jack Black/Owen Wilson cool group (replacing the death-faking Starburns), then recruit Pierce into our ranks. He’s already tried to leave the study group for them once, and would gain easy admission without My Name is Alex around to reject him yet again. I would beseech Pierce to grant us his wisdom and leadership on moist towelettes, Reformed Neo-Buddhism, and the glory that was the 1960s. Once he joins up, I take his vacated spot within the main study group by playing to their individual needs, giving Shirley the fellow staunch Christian, Annie the fellow type-A bookworm, Britta the fellow anti-everything revolutionary, and Abed and Abed the morning show engineer they need to function and feel appreciated.
This plan is foolproof because it utilizes Jeff Winger psychology: I don’t tell Pierce what to do, I help him realize he wants to do it so it can’t be traced back to me. And in Gambino/Barnes’ own words, while I do not have the game shook like a young black Elvis, meeting him would make me happy – like a dragon.
I don’t know I kinda think the group is what makes them specials. But I totally want to hang with Troy/Donald. So I would convince Abed that reality isn’t really even worth it…because let’s face it, out of all the members of the group, he’s the most suicidal. As soon as the gang discovers he hanged herself in the study room (ala Lane Pryce) it would cause a major domino effect. Shirley would stop believing in God. Britta would drop out saying that even as a Psych Major her friend still committed suicide (Britta’d it). Jeff would be re-watching every movie he and Abed saw…as a result would get fat and lose attractiveness. Pierce would make a racist 72 virgins joke involving failed suicide bomb attempt. Annie would go back to drugs and spend all her life in the dreamatorium. Leaving me and Troy alone. Troy would be in disbelief that he can’t accept his best friend’s death, I would take Abed’s place as a result having Troy refer to me as “Totally Not-dead Abed”. Life would be great.
I would make some calls and get abed cast as a permanent member of the cast of Cougartown. Then it’s off to Hollywood for him and I would slowly maneuver myself into the group. The thing is, I love everyone in this show too much (even Pierce) to co anything mean to them so with this method, I get to join the group but Abed can be happy.
I don’t know I kinda think the group is what makes them specials. But I totally want to hang with Troy/Donald. So I would convince Abed that reality isn’t really even worth it…because let’s face it, out of all the members of the group, he’s the most suicidal. As soon as the gang discovers he hanged herself in the study room (ala Lane Pryce) it would cause a major domino effect. Shirley would stop believing in God. Britta would drop out saying that even as a Psych Major her friend still committed suicide (Britta’d it). Jeff would be re-watching every movie he and Abed saw…as a result would get fat and lose attractiveness. Pierce would make a racist 72 virgins joke involving failed suicide bomb attempt. Annie would go back to drugs and spend all her life in the dreamatorium. Leaving me and Troy alone. Troy would be in disbelief that he can’t accept his best friend’s death, I would take Abed’s place as a result having Troy refer to me as “Totally Not-dead Abed”. Life would be great.
Steal all of Annie’s writing utensils and hide them all over the city. She won’t be able to handle it. She’ll leave.
Part 69.c ( Not the)
Shirley convinces Annie and Britta to help her pledge for a black sorority called the Gamma Rays. “Are there Sororities at a community College?” Annie asks. “Shhhh, They are a secret.” Britta responds. The cast of Awkward Black girl (minus white Jay) welcome the new rushes in an abandoned warehouse. They promise them an authentic black frat experience. One of the first obstacles they face is “yellow patches.” This is when white jay’s replacement: The Atom, aka Adam Driver from Girls (HBO) comes in. Britta and Annie are all swooning over him. He decides to blindfold Shirley and asks her to get on her knees. He whips out his dick and is about to piss on blindfolded Shirley when Britta and Annie scream out “ OH NOOOO!!! DICK Do not Shoot!” Britta pulls out her pocketknife and threatens to cut it off if he doesn’t back away… slowly. “ You have the right to leave the black lady dry! Any piss you release can and will be used against you. You have the right to preserve your dick. If you cannot control it, You will lose it. Shirley wrestles out of her blindfolds and Tina Fay Yells “Cut… This isn’t HBO. You can’t say dick on NBC ie. Primetime television. You are all (Shirley, Britta and Annie) suspended from the Community until further notice.
Part 69.d ( Last of )
During all that, Abed had been trying to understand why it was so important for Shirley to have a black sorority experience. He started listening to Lauren Hill and Bob Marley. He got dreads and rolled his first blunt backstage. Pierce grabs the blunt and says to Abed “ Walk with me! ” Pierce smiles. “I just finished reading Gravity’s rainbow … No Homo… by Pynchon and I did a little research on papyromancy. You know what that is my dear foreign friend abed? Pierce declares that he (Pierce) now has “The ability to prophesy through contemplating the way people roll reefers: shape, licking pattern, the wrinkles and folds or absence there off in the paper. Pierce has a vision backstage. He says in a Donald trump voice, “ABED… You are fired! You foreigner. Haha get it, cuz you are brown and I’m Donald trump… I hate foreigners” Everyone on set hears the Joke. Jeff laughs at the joke real loud from backstage and comes on the set with a donut in hand to laugh some more. Troy asks, “Did you combine a fire joke with a reference to President Barack Obama and /or Immigrants? Pierce? “ The almost all black cast of awkward black girl turn toward Pierce and Jeff… They get “the look!”
Part 69.g ( A dying )
Tina Fay just suspended everyone and contacts the multicultural recruitment office at NBC. She requests they hire the new folks for the sake of “Diversity” This includes a little unknown wannabe Female MC who is really bad at rapping. She calls herself Ancca Intro. She is a Vassar college dropout who wants to be the next Missy Elliot. Abed grabs his blunt from Piece and watches Security carry them (Pierce and Jeff) out”. Ludacris comes on the set and helps Abed twist his dreads into a man bun. Luda decides to give Abed a new name to go with his new-enlightened lifestyle. Luda says “I dub thee Beddah Dyn Massah.”
Part 69.t (Breed : a new community)
The next episode begins with the cast of awkward black girl, (minus white J), what remains of the cast from Community ( Troy and Abed aka Beddah), Adam Driver, aka The Atom aka Pissah on girls” and the newbie: Ancca Intro. Ancca plays a born again confused Lesbo with a West African/ French Accent. The new crew skips one day of community college class and gather around a stoop to play an intense game of intense “awkward trivia“. Abed aka Beddah Dyn Massah is now a rap guru and the ringleader. He asks “what song/ track has a verse that refers to a socially awkward Eminem? ” Ancca answers “Airplanes Pt 2.” Thanks to Siri, Nina- light-skinned Bitch affirms that Ancca’s answer is correct and Abed aka Beddah Dyn Massah promises to grant Ancca one awkward wish. Ancca requests to replace Troy and Abed in the morning with ©ypherlous: A Cypher or pseudo freestyle rap battle between Pharrell, Issa Rae aka J., Childish Gambino and The Atom “pissah” (on girls) and Ancca ( aka me.)
Then end.
Well, I’ll preface this by saying I personally wouldn’t want the group to kick someone out, I’d want to be an addition …but if I HAD to get someone kicked out, here’s how it would happen:
Annie would be my target. First, I’d plant the idea in Annie’s head that Britta has become closer to Troy and Abed than she has. As she goes home to Troy, Britta and Abed, she’ll see the three of them hanging out together. She will start to think that Britta is taking her place and get jealous. Psycho Annie makes a small appearance. I then convince Annie to pursue a romantic relationship with Abed in order to have something to connect with the people in the apartment, they’ll all be couples. She’s thought about it during her time after the dreamatorium episode when she taught Abed empathy. Abed, having learned empathy, will agree to be in a relationship with her because he knows how bad things have gone for her. I then inform her that Abed is doing this because he feels sorry for her. She confronts him and psycho Annie comes out a little more. Now that I have Britta, Troy, and Abed against Annie, I then attempt to get the rest to turn against her. While she is vulnerable, I’ll convince her to fill the void left by Abed to be filled by Jeff. Unbeknownst to her, I have already reminded Jeff of how young she is and Jeff rejects her. Psycho Annie comes out again. Annie feeling defeated and alone tries to talk to Shirley and badmouths Troy and Britta. Shirley, always looking for Troy also turns against Annie. Once Pierce finds out that Annie went after Jeff again, she is no longer his favorite because of the history that Pierce and Jeff have had between each other over the three years. Feeling all alone, Annie will want to leave, everyone will want Annie to leave so I wouldn’t have to worry about Annie coming back or anyone wanting to get Annie to come back. I then take my spot in the group AND I get to live with Troy because Annie is out of the apartment too. Best. Plan. Ever.
Pierce/Britta/Annie/Jeff/Abed/Shirley would be put into a game of Battle Royale.
I would then ease my way in as the savior for whoever is not dead.
I would start by creating an elaborate heist plan that involved me dressing as the REAL inspector Spacetime and convincing Abed that his evil-self had traveled to another dimension or something you know? Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey. I would then kidnap him in a rolling red telephone booth and transport him to London, telling him it was the year 2020 and then we would have adventures trying to find the hidden base of the Blorgons… On second thought I won’t need the study group as me and Abed are doing a spin-off show entitled Abed and Julie’s Spacetime Adventure.
Once that inevitably gets canceled I will get back to the Real plan, which was to murde-AHEM convince Britta to move away and join the Occupy Movement, which let’s face it, is bound to happen at some point. Then I would assume her role so seamlessly that no one would even notice she was gone. I would simply have to say things every now and then like “those fascists!” or “Don’t change who you are for the Man!”, go off on long rants about the human psyche and stare longingly at Troy(not difficult). She will eventually return and claim her rightful place. I will have planned for this moment however so I will immediately put PHASE II into effect!
Phase II involves bribing/blackmailing most of the members to pretend as if I had always been a member of the group. I will of course have a good deal of evidence to back this up. I will blackmail Britta because having lived her life for several months/years I will have all the means to take her down. Annie and Shirley I will bribe with either kindness or a deadly mixture of money, cookies and guilt. Abed will already be on my side because we are best friends from all our awesome adventures in London. Troy will not need that much convincing that I have been in the study group the whole time, we all know how adorably gullible he can be. Pierce is old. Does that need more explanation? He will be easily convinced that he forgot that I was there the whole time. Jeff is my only obstacle. He will need a good deal of evidence. I have planned an entire clip show devoted to my fabricated past with the group. Once he is convinced however, I am in for good. Remember that time we all sang in the Christmas Glee show… http://ruelegantwaste.tumblr.com/post/25026708685
Personally, I would convince the Dean that Jeff secretly loved him, so the Dean would harass him so much he had to leave. Then I would enroll myself into all their classes they have together and research all the Inspector Space-time/ Psychology/ Christianity/ racism/ homophobia/ football/ and pen finding tricks i could study to sneak my way into their hearts.
Tell Abed his dad changed his mind. He needs Abed to ditch being a film major and take over their falafel restaurant.
Just tell Abed his dad changed his mind. He wants Abed to ditch being a film major and needs him to take over their falafel restaurant.
Annie’s Boob distraction