FanFic of the Week: SkiFree
stephanie | Jan 9, 2013 | 2:15PM |
ski1

The Internet is a wonderful place. With message boards, chat rooms, search engines, forums and social networks, it’s a phenomenal way to let yourself be heard. It’s also a phenomenal place to hear some of the things being heard. The terrifying, weirdly sexualized, and unnecessary musings of the Internet that will often never see the light of day. Enter our new column, designed to unearth some of the most fascinating aspects of the web; fan fiction.

Take a trip with us down the SkiFree fan fiction rabbit hole, a world where multiple people have in fact written stories about the early-’90s Microsoft game many of us had the pleasure of growing up playing. Some of these people clearly never forgot it (keep the dream alive, guys) and have delivered some incredibly frightening shorts, many involving love, death, skiing naked, yeti rape and, well, you’ll see. Happy SkiFree-ing…

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>> Here is a Featured Event >>>>>>>>>>>>
BB2016-jondore-agenda-250x250
Friday 10/28
The Bentzen Ball Presents: Jon Dore @ Drafthouse Comedy
$25.00 / $25.00
The BYT Bentzen Ball Presents: Jon Dore! at Drafthouse Comedy ~~MULTIPLE SHOWS~~ Thursday, Oct 27th, 2016 6:15pm doors / 7:00pm Show Friday, Oct 28th, 2016 7:15pm doors / 8:00pm Show Friday, Oct 28th, 2016 9:40pm doors / 10:00pm Show Saturday, Oct 29th, 2016 6:15pm doors / 7:00pm Show Saturday, Oct 29th, 2016 8:15pm doors / 9:00pm Show @ Drafthouse Comedy 1100 13th St NW, Washington, DC 20005 $25.00 tickets on sale now! This is an 18+ event. ~~~~ About Jon Dore: Named one of “10 comics to watch” by Variety, Ottawa-born comedian, host and actor Jon Dore is renowned for his offbeat humour and unique bait-and-switch style. Dore is a favourite on the comedy club and festival circuit in Canada and the United States. He has hosted the Just for Laughs Festival Homegrown Comedy Competition on a number of occasions and has enjoyed sold-out runs at the Festival’s Montreal and Toronto locations, at comedy festivals in Halifax, Vancouver, Portland and Washington, DC, and at the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival in Manchester, Tennessee. From his humble beginnings as the co-host of the cable talk show Daytime Ottawa (Rogers Television) and the irreverent roving reporter on Canadian Idol (CTV), Dore recently starred in the critically acclaimed ABC-TV series How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life) opposite Sarah Chalke, Elizabeth Perkins and Brad Garrett. Dore is the host of HBO Canada’s Funny as Hell, a series showcasing bold and uncensored comedy from the fastest rising comedians at the Just For Laughs Festival, currently shooting its fourth season. He is the star of his own award-winning ‘mockumentary’ series, The Jon Dore Television Show, documenting his hilarious and outrageous debates on life’s challenges and changes, from weight loss to gender. He also served as co-creator, co-producer and writer on the series, proving he is just as comfortable behind the camera. The series ran for a successful two seasons on IFC and The Comedy Network. Dore starred in the stand-up specials Comedy Central Presents...Jon Dore and Comedy Now! (CTV/The Comedy Network); appeared on a number Comedy Central’s specials including Live At Gotham, CC: Stand-Up: The Bonnaroo Experience and Mash Up; made guest-starring turns on How I Met Your Mother (CBS) and Scare Tactics (Syfy); and was the lead in the CBS pilot My Life As An Experiment. A regular on late night talk shows, Dore has the honor of being the first stand-up to appear on Conan (TBS). Dore's feature film credits include the indie drama Gus opposite Michelle Monaghan (Mission: Impossible III) and the comedy Stag, with Donald Faison (Scrubs) and Eva Amurri (Californication), which picked up two awards - Best Ensemble and Excellence in Filmmaking - at the LA Comedy Film Festival. TV Guide Canada called Dore one of the “rising stars of the future” and Toronto weekly NOW Magazine named him Best Male Stand-up. He is the recipient of four Canadian Comedy Awards including: Best Taped Live Performance (2010) for Just for Laughs; Best Performance by a Male in a Television Show (2009) for The Jon Dore Television Show; Best Writing on a Series (2008) for The Jon Dore Television Show; and Best Stand-up Newcomer (2006). He is also a two-time Gemini nominee (2008 & 2009) for Best Individual Performance in a Comedy Program or Series for The Jon Dore Television Show. ~~~ Thanks to our sponsor: http://www.heineken.com/ More Bentzen Ball shows available at: http://www.bentzenball.com Stay informed: http://www.twitter.com/byt
>>>>>>>>>>>> Ok, back to the article! >>>>>>>>>>>>

Bunny Slope Madness by Fat Sassy Bride

This brilliant piece of fan fiction revolves around those skiers you’d occasionally hit on your way down the slope. In this thrilling tale, our protagonist accidentally kills another person, then ditches the body only to crash, continue skiing, then get eaten by a yeti. Props for including the obnoxious black dog casually roaming the snowy landscape for whatever reason.

Choice lines:

“He whipped around shamefully, not seeing a stray terrier wander up to the corpse, sniff it, and piss on its bosom before rolling around happily in the snow.”

“Despite the fact that his head was now buried and freezing in the snow, his burnt crotch was being soothed by the frigid kiss.”

“‘What-?!’ he gasped, looking around over his shoulder…To see a Yeti tearing his pants off! He screamed as the Yeti began to rape him up the butthole! How terrible! Oh no, SkiFree!”

“”AHHHHH!” he suddenly shrieked out, as the Yeti had had enough of fuck games and sank its sharp teeth into the delicate flesh of the skier’s ass. Far from a desired rim job, the flesh was torn away and devoured sloppily, blood spilling onto the pristine snow. The skier’s screamed and kicked his leg helplessly at the Yeti, only for that, too, to be ripped away like a drumstick from some southern fried chicken and devoured with some red drank – his blood. Hell yeah, thugz.”

 

skifree

 

 

Ski Freeeeeee! by Aman’mai

Here’s another piece involving yeti rape (seriously, you guys?), though this monster’s a bit of a softie. Essentially, the skier embarks on a nudist ski slope (there is no way this can be a real thing), gets molested by a yeti, who then hauls the skier back to its cave and fashions some rabbit-skin pants for our storyteller. So. This is a thing.

Choice Lines:

“He grinned as he cleared his first jump with a double twist, butlanded in a heap. Getting up again, he felt his manhood begin to freeze over. He got worried then.”

“The monster held him up to it’s mouth then blinked. ‘Your naked this time,’ it stated. The little man shrugged uncomfortably. ‘Where is the fuschia skivvy?’ The little man shrugged again. ‘The cloakroom, I guess, at the top of the mountain,’ he squeaked. The monster stared at him. Then it proceeded to shag him into insensibility and drag him into it’s cave.”

“‘Aren’t you going to eat me?’ The monster turned wearily to him. ‘You get lonely on these mountains,’ it said depressingly, ‘I want some company. After eating thousands of little men, it was time for a change. And . . . you weren’t wearing any clothes.'”

“The little man got up and walked over to the monster who was tice his height. ‘I love you,’ he whispered and buried his head into the lush fur of his lover. The snowwoman blinked. ‘I . . . love you too, honey,’ she said and pulled him close, nearly suffocating him.”

 

ski_free-1

 

They Call Me Frosty by yeaimthatdude

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from today’s glimpse into fan fiction, it’s that yetis need love too. They really, really need love. In the case of the next story, we’re using “love” in the way someone really sensitive might call sex “making love,” or maybe in the way someone explaining sex addiction to a child would say “they just really need to love something.” Because this is a yeti with a sex problem, who will apparently do anything to love something. Say hello to “They Call Me Frosty,” the vaguely racist (and scarily graphic) tale of a monster who can’t seem to get it off. From making a snow flesh light (snow-up doll?) to a terrier (there’s that dog again), this beast is unstoppable. Also, they somehow managed to involve scat, the Electra Complex, bestiality and fucking a tree in half without even blinking an eye. Also also, this is a terrible work of literature.

Choice Lines:

“Harder than a diamond in an ice storm, the snowman’s massive throbbing 14 Inch member couldn’t be satisfied from his own efforts. His apparent weight gain had taken its toll on him and he was no longer capable of auto-fellatio like he was in his youth and his small scraggly arms just fell too short of holding a firm grip on his hulking mass.”

“Excited in more ways than one, the snowman built a hole, making it very similar to what he remembered of his mother’s wide gaping snatch. The snowman then proceeded to pound that goddamn hole like the little snow slut it was, as he was doing so he rubbed and pinched his nipples crying out.”

“…the snow lost it’s form due to the fact that even little whores made of snow can’t take a snow monster’s 14 Inch fuck-stick. This enraged the snow man, for if you value your life you will ALWAYS finish a snow monster off…”

“The snowman thought, ‘Holy shit that’s the sexist fucking tree I ever saw, holy fuck that tree can back that trunk up son!'”

“The cutest one year old dog came happily skipping by; this female chocolate lab was only around a year old, having just come out of the puppy stage of life, no tragedy had befallen this animal ever in her life, yet…. The puppy gave out a tremendous yelp, but the present company wasn’t thinking at all about the dog’s sexual pleasure which reminded the dog about it’s time in Kappa Iota Delta sorority.”

 

So, there you have it, folks. Welcome to the Internet and good luck with clawing out those eyeballs.

 

 

Comments:

Your Email Address Will Not Be Published