The Internet is a wonderful place. With message boards, chat rooms, search engines, forums and social networks, it’s a phenomenal way to let yourself be heard. It’s also a phenomenal place to hear some of the things being heard. The terrifying, weirdly sexualized, and unnecessary musings of the Internet that will often never see the light of day. Enter our new column, designed to unearth some of the most fascinating aspects of the web; fan fiction.
This week let’s dive into a pool of Internet wonder and majesty, of the cool, crisp lake of friendship with the Golden Girls. Mercifully, the show’s fanbase isn’t as seedy and coarse as we’ve seen in previous weeks; there’s no rape (thankfully) and no graphic sex acts (that I’ve found, again, thankfully). It is, however, a bit disturbing to notice how immersed in the Golden mythos these fans are; whether a fan writes 100+ short stories or cross-pollinates with animated Disney films, the Golden Girls fanfics are a little more off in an intellectually disturbing way. It’s actually inspired a new rating system! FanFics today will be rated on a scale of Crazy Cat Lady, denoted by number of cat emojis that will probably eat these stories alive in zeroes and ones as their FanFic-data corpses rot somewhere on the outskirts of their Internet-homes years from now. On that note, here we go…
Today’s valuable lesson of fan fiction: always read anything described as “an original reinterpretation of the first Lion King movie.” A close follow-up lesson might be read anything that turns the Golden Girls into lions and grants them magical powers; “powers granted to them by the legendary palm tree that abides in the desert to not only achieve their ultimate potential and destiny, but to also save the vast, opulent and celestial land from descending into madness and ruin and stop Scar from driving Pride Rock into inevitable destruction.” You can’t make this stuff up. Well, someone did, and it’s a real doozy. Originally, this piece was supposed to be a video of clips stitched together from the animated film, episodes of “Courage the Cowardly Dog” and of course “The Golden Girls.” Let us pray that Rhonda becomes inspired once more to take up the cowl. The twisted, confusing crossover cowl.
“‘Simba, these are your friends and siblings: Rose, Blanche, Sophia, and Courage. This is also your sister Dorothy, and she looks just like you.’”
“‘And just who you might be, hot stud?’ [Blanche] huffed at him flirtatiously as she attempted to blow her hair off her eyes as a suggestive gesture of her promiscuous sexuality. “Well! Aren’t you a vivacious young lioness? I am Mufasa.”
“As Rafiki looked ahead out into the night with the winds singing Celtic songs from generations ago, he then turned back into his painting of the five heirs in his famous painting of the kings who had once ruled the Pridelands and then with a couple of flourishes painted first Sophia, with her distinct cocker spaniel look and glasses.”
“As Dorothy gazed out into the blue heavens she saw her father Sal smiling down at her. Blanche and Rose also saw their deceased husbands beam at them proudly and joyously as well. Sophia even got a good glimpse at her dead husband as well.”
“She had black tufts of little fluffy hair on top of her head and also had extremely dark, bold rims on the tips of her ears; she also had navy blue toes, underbelly and nose and she also had navy blue ruffles around her neck. The inside of her ears were also navy blue and her eyes were dark sapphire and indigo, making her an unusual looking cub due to the fact that she was a psychically stylized version of Klaus Nouvi.”
“‘Then, when Simba dies, and if there are no heirs left from his line, Dorothy will be the next Queen to ascend the throne, then Rose, then Blanche, and then Sophia, and finally, Courage,’ Rafiki explicated a prophecy that was long foretold by the ancient ancestors.”
“‘You speak so eloquently for a newborn lioness cub. What school did you go to?’ Sarabi enquired Dorothy curiously.”
“Blanche ejaculated in horror as she glanced from her to herself. She was a bright pink lioness cub with russet tufts of hair on her head, and also russet toes, tail tuft, underbelly, nose and even the inside of her ears were russet.”
The life of the Golden Characters by Sand ‘n Sable
Terrifyingly enough Incredibly, someone out there wrote over 100 pieces of short fan fiction about the Golden Girls. Even stranger, almost all of these tales unironically read like vignettes in a poorly-written episode made entirely of flashbacks. I can’t relate to 99 percent of humanity.
“Rose had just woke up, she sat up on the side of her bed and straightened the pink gown she wore with blue and yellow roses then she went over to her window and opened the curtains and sang ‘Shine on me sunshine, walk with me world, it’s a skippidity do da day, I’m the happiest girl in the whole U.S.A.’”
“Summery-Sophia has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease two years after we last saw the girls. Sophia has been helped to the couch by her daughter Dorothy and Blanche. They gently sit her down and she smiles. All is brightness as she looks at Dorothy, Rose and Blanche and then she goes to sleep. Ten minutes later, Sophia wakes up. She sees them but….nothing is there! No recognition, she panics and her heart and pulse race, her blood runs cold. ‘Where’s everybody? I don’t know these people!’ She stands up and everybody looks at her and small, diamond-like tears come to Sophia’s eye and she cries out in a heartbreaking voice: ‘Momma! Momma!’ The girls run to her and try to comfort her as they cry. Reviews, Please.”
What did we learn today? Golden Girls fans have great reason to love the show but probably not great enough reason to spend hours writing triple-digit short stories through the eyes of four fictional friends. Cool it down there, guys. Take a breather, then take a lap.