ba'naka
Crashing the Drag Race: Week One
January 30, 2013 | 3:00PM

My name is Ba’Naka, I’m just a local jaded, self proclaimed “super star” drag queen with serious delusions of grandeur, with an affinity for  Absolut Vodka and RuPaul’s Drag Race. Now, while I’ve never been on Drag Race (try as I may) I have been voted off America’s Got Talent.

You should know, I have no real qualifications for writing this weekly review but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Take a journey into my snarky/fabulous mind as I review season 5 of RuPaul’s Drag Race!

rupaulsdragrace

Welcome back Racers! Season V is here and let me tell you this is going to be one hell of a ride! I love the diversity amongst the contestants this year! We have Pageant Queens, Spook Queens, Fishy Queens, Narcoleptic Queens, Artsy Queens, and ofcoarse Narcissistic Queens. As the ladies walked into the workroom for the first time I couldn’t help but critique their debut outfits, from the bad ass to the just plain bad, let’s review these opening ensembles!

My first impressions of the ladies as they walked into the workroom.

Detox – Bumble Bee Couture
Roxxxy Andrews – Kardashian meets Liza Minnelli
Jade Jolie – Holy crap! That outfit is ADD personified!
Serena ChaCha - kinda giving me Carrie Bradshaw meets Gossip Girl
Alyssa Edwards – I don’t get it? A Forever 21 dress mixed with a very draggy shawl, mixed with a Fro???
Jinkx Monsoon – Pool Side Realness! Gorge!
Penny Tration – Did she raid Edna Turnblad’s closet?
Vivienne Pinay – You betta work that Betty Page bang!
Alaska – Horsey Face + Plastic table cloth dress…I don’t know about this one.
Honey Mahogany – a blend between RuPaul and Storm!
Ivy Winters – Love the Dress….hate the Hair!
Monica Beverly Hillz – Did she skin all of Sesame Street for that dress?
Lineysha Sparx – Perfection…head to toe!
Coco Montrese – Patsy from Ab Fab the Haus Down Boots!

It’s important to note that when Coco walked in the room the thunder clouds rolled in and sky grews dark…with shade! (cue music) This is our first hint of the dramatic mysterious blood feud between Alyssa Edwards and Coco Montrese, and I don’t know about you but I love a good blood feud! The girls kiki around the workroom, we see a budding alliance between old friends Detox and Roxxxy and we also see that Serena ChaCha is super annoyed by this…alright ladies calm down, it’s only the first 5 minutes!

Oh Gurrrl You Got SHEmale!

Ru comes on screen looking like a blown out, glowing goddess and gives the girls some of the best advice I’ve ever been given in life, Fake it until you Make it (Orgasms or your first day on the job, it’s solid advice) Now in the grand tradition of RPDR the ladies do a photo shoot with the sexy Mike Ruiz but like always these shoots are not your basic glamour shots.

The dolls get submerged in a water tank and must look glamorous yet aquatic. Some of the most memorable moments during the shoot 1) Serena’s dress rising up and her non-tuck makes a cameo, 2) Alaska giving up even when Ru gives her a second chance 3) Alyssa busting ass on her way out! Post shoot the ladies de-drag and become menfolk and hot damn there are some sexy mutha-frockers this year, Lineysha and Ivy have this Queen readjusting her tuck! Detox is the winner of the Photo Challenge and has herself a teary moment!

water

Rags to Bitches

Our Queens get in daytime face (FYI-the sunlight is not a friend of the DRAGOON hunty) and they take a fierce Hollywood Starline bus ride to Beverly Hills where they meet the Real Housewife, Camile Grammer in front of Marco Marco but much like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, these hoes are not aloud to shop! They are sent around the corner to their next challenge, dumpster diving! These bitches waste no time thrashing about the trash bins for their odds and ends, and poor lil Jinkx gets bonk’d on the head and Monica gets a slap to the face! Oh My!
““That’s why she entered with a horse mask on,
because she’s a horse” (pointing down)” – Coco Montrese

Back in the work room the girls are letting it all hang out….literally! Alaska is…well..um..let’s just say Alaska should now be called the ”Show Me” state (Tweaker got Pipe…okaaay). Ru comes in and checks on the ladies work, Dumpster Red Carpet Couture is the name of the game here and you would think after four previous seasons these bitches would learn to listen to Ru and pay attention to the challenge parameters ….you would think. Miss Serena ChaCha is all up in her artsy head, this will not end well, I once dated an artist, and trust me once they have an idea there is no stopping them…hence why there was a 7ft replica of a Schick Shaver in our living room! Ru makes her rounds and helps the flock as much as possible.

While getting ready for the runway the ladies grill Alaska about her and Sharon Needles relationship. Alaska has a lot of pressure on her being compared to Sharon and says that there was some jealousy. We have a touching moment only to be broke by the very annoying Serena ChaCha…dear god, I agree with Detox this little one is getting on my last damn nerve! Side Note: Don’t you all just love how Jade Jolie reads but she reads with a bubbly smile and giggle! Get into it!

RUNWAY!!!!!

Yes Ma’am this is the moment we all live for! Miss RuPaul stomps down the runway in a gorgeous season opener, a light periwinkle sequined gown! She is joined be Michelle Visage (who is personally my favorite judge) Santino Rice and special guest judges Mike Ruiz and Camille Grammer! Start yo engines we are about to Judge and READ these garments for filth!

Let’s read the bitches on the runway:

Roxxxy Andrews – C’mon with that Morticia Addams Dark Lady look! WERQ!
Jinkx Monsoon – Grecian Godess? Ehhh it’s SoSo
Detox – Werq that Magenta !
Ivy Winters – LOVE LOVE LOVE the dress wish the hair was more quaffed.
Honey Mahogany – I like the concept wish it was a bit more polished
Jade Jolie – Oh darling you are so cute but pull back a little on the design!
Alyssa Edwards – The shoes don’t match…sorry about it
Penny Tration – Hips are off and so is the fit…yikes
Coco Montrese – I live for this, very old school drag, glam and camp!
Vivienne Pinay – WOW very J-Lo
Alaska – LOVE EVERYTHING except the trashbag purse
Lineysha Sparx – I dare someone to hate on this, perfection!
Monica Beverly Hillz – Gurl, what part of red carpet didn’t you understand?
Serena ChaCha – Drag Pinocchio
Judgment and Lipsync

The ladies get read down! The Queens underfire are Serena ChaCha, Jade Jolie, and Penny Tration…the gist is their outfits are busted and ratchet! The top queens are Lineysha, Alaska, Roxxxy and Ivy …all who look ravishing! While the dolls enjoy Absolut cocktails in the Interior Illusions Lounge the Judges started to break down our top and bottom girls. Roxxxy is the winner and has immunity for next week (and you know Lineysha is bitter as hell!), while Serena ChaCha and Penny Tration are left to Lip Sync. However Jade Jolie barley made it out of the bottom with only RuPaul’s words of wisdom, “EDIT!” to ponder until next week. Our gurls Lip Sync to Miley Cyrus’s Party in the USA…AND sadly Miss Penny doesn’t seem to know the words (Excuse me! What kind of gay man are you?) and is sent home, and that annoying little ChaCha is left to stay.

That was an exciting premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race! Do you have a favorite? Let us know and comment below.Until next week kids!

XOXO
Ba’Naka

You can catch Ba’Naka each Monday night at Number 9 for DC’s official RuPaul’s Drag Race viewing party. The fun starts at 8:00pm. And for more queer nightlife news, be sure to follow the BYGays on Twitter.

BONUS:

Check out this new music video by RuPaul Queens Willam and Detox with gal pal Vicky Vox. It’s DC’s new anthem.

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