All words: Stephanie Breijo, Shauna Alexander, Svetlana Legetic, Andy Johnson
This week, this magnificent, glorious week, marks the return of some MAJOR pop culture dreams; the kind of dreams we’ve held in our hearts since Justin Timberlake said he’d never record music again. The kind of dreams that combat the whole Bowie-Is-Dying rumor. The kind of dreams that announce a new Pulp record, some of which is produced by James Murphy himself.
It’s been a whirlwind week and it’s only Thursday. All of these fantasies coming true (pinch us, no, don’t) got us thinking about trends long gone; the kinds of fantasies we long to make a comeback in 2013, though don’t get us wrong–we’re grateful for Justin Timberlake releasing music with Jay-Z and Beyonce and a new Bowie album AND a just-confirmed Destiny’s Child album. We just want MORE. MORE. MORE. Here are some of the things we need, nay demand in 2013:
1. Outkast Reunion
Let’s be honest, if PULP can get their act together, Outkast can reunite Big Boi and André 3000. We’re fans of Big Boi smoking weed (and possibly collaborating) with Modest Mouse, but we long for the days of that explosive jazz/funk/rap/hip-hop/pop combo that this duo got so, so right. And FutureSex/LoveSounds, Timberlake’s last full-length release, debuted in 2006; so did Idlewild. Coincidence? We think not. Come back, Outkast. The world needs you.
2. Physical Cat Fights
Social media is great and, more specifically, watching some words, death threats and even diss songs go back and forth can be enjoyable as all hell, but we’re beginning to think celebrities with beef are just hiding behind their avatars. Gone are the /take-out-the-earrings, hold-my-bag celebrity showdowns of yore. (Granted they still exist, though not as frequently.) This last week we saw female rappers Azealia Banks and Angel Haze duke it out over Twitter and we had fun watching, sure, but ladies, put down your phone/laptop/ipad and rip out a weave like you mean it in 2013.
3. Will Smith
Admittedly, Justin Timberlake’s return to music was numero uno when we fantasized about actors/musicians coming back to the studio but like a greedy child, we’ve gotten a taste and demand more. We don’t want a full-on album, Will. It doesn’t have to be Big Willie Style (and we’d hope it isn’t Lost and Found), but one single cheesy movie rap is all we need. Men in Black III? You gave that shit to Pitbull? You know he ain’t cheesy like you. Not the same, not acceptable.
4. Get Motherfuckers Back on the Moon
Yeah, we went up there and fooled around a little bit with buggies and beakers, but the time is ripe for moon casinos. If I’m going to blow my life savings on something stupid, it should be lunar roulette.
5. Wesley Snipes.
6. Paula Abdul
Straight up don’t tell us you didn’t really love her songs forever, Oh! Oh! Oh! Those dance moves! That hip cat! What was there not to love? Plus Paula’s been ever so silent since her departure from American Idol, it’s time this ’90s Pop Queen takes aim at reclaiming her throne. Even more so since Glee has been totally ripping off the Cold Heart Snake vibe all season. BRING BACK PAULA!
7. The Libertines
Back in August, the NME leaked a story that drug-addled raconteur rocker Pete Doherty and smooth-voiced laddie Carl Barat were set to write some songs under a Parisian skyline. This is the stuff made of (my!) britpop dreams. The Libertines! Back together! Say it ain’t so! And with a 10 year anniversary freshly under their belt, it’s only time before the duo are back on stage cussin’ each other out.
8. Postal Service
Ben Gibbard spent the better part of 2012 telling everyone this will not happen, but with GIVE UP officially going platinum for Sub Pop last year and the record teetering on that 10 year reunion mark–we are keeping our fingers very crossed.
9. My So-Called Life
We think it is an abomination that BOY MEETS WORLD is more likely to get a comeback of sorts than MSCL. With Claire Danes owning TV right now, and Jared Leto definitely in need of work (right?) the time is NOW for an early-30s biological meltdown update.
10. The Death of Furby
Remember when the Furby craze had long died out and the terrifying blinking/talking/gurgling/all-seeing synthetic creatures fell off our collective pop culture radar? For some godforsaken reason, Hasbro decided it would be great to bring back a toy with a tagline of “A mind of its own,” which in reality is only bringing us closer to a robot apocalypse. Way to go, guys. (We’re aware that this is asking for the death of a comeback, so consider this entry somewhat of a double-negative. Loopholes!)
11. A Return to mid-’90s Comedic Greatness
While we will acknowledge that Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler are both passable dramatic actors, the highs of Punch-Drunk Love and Man on the Moon cannot compare to their monumental—dare I say epochal?—achievements of sucker-punching Bob Barker and literally breaking through a rhinoceros’s anus.
12. Dave Chappelle
Where have you gone, Dave Chappelle? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. (Woo, woo, woo.)
Did we leave any out? Let us know in the comments what you’d like to see make a glorious return this year…